|
Post by ShutterBug on Jun 22, 2008 16:07:43 GMT -5
Very recently (it's been a little bit longer than a month) I had to move from the home I had been living in for the past nine months and go 800 miles away. Not just because I wanted to; I genuinely felt I was in danger from my father. I left behind everything I had loved there.
There's been a huge gaping hole in my chest that just keeps getting larger. One thing stopped it from getting bigger and actually fixed it, but I no longer have that option. Nothing stops it. I've cried every single day since I've left.
Most days, I sleep in until at LEAST noon. I don't go to bed until around 3 in the morning. It's become very unhealthy. I'm always tired.
Most days, I don't want to bother living any more.
I hate it here. I don't have anyone here other than my mother and brother that I really care about. I'm making a couple friends, but they can't give me a will to live, you know?
My father destroyed my life.
My house has become so depressing. I can't stand it here. I try to spend as much time as possible at friends' houses so I don't have to stay here. If I can't go over friends' houses, I walk around my "city".
I read books. I drown myself in the lives of others' to escape my own. The only thing I really enjoy anymore is my photography.
I hate my new school. I hate how it looks. But not only that, I hate how it.... feels. It doesn't feel right. Not like my old school felt. I don't know how to explain it but... it was like my old school was the puzzle piece that completed ... something. It felt right there. This new school... it feels all wrong.
|
|
|
Post by KG on Jun 22, 2008 19:29:54 GMT -5
Hi SB,
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. At the same time though you can't give up. You are too important to just give up on. All these things that have happened are awful, I agree, but...
When I was in church... back when my church was a good place to learn, I learned a principle. I am not sure I can explain it as eloquently as the guy who taught it to me back then, but I have experienced it more... a lot more since my church days, and I can tell you how it works.
Some people seem to sail through life with no resistance, others create their own problems, but then there are others still, who through no fault of their own seem to experience misfortune... and there is a definaite reason for that. IT is because those people are important to the scheme of things in some way that exceeds the average. Now this purpose may or may not ever gain the attention of the masses, or make a big splash on world news, but in general people with great responsibilities in this life, will meet with resistance from opposing forces. EVERY person that has a call upon thier life to go beyond the norm, in some area, no matter what it is, also has an equally powerful opposing force trying to keep that person down, under the thumb of those that seek to stop them from their task. Occasionally the opposing forces seem to succeed... but the fact is that as long as you keep trying there is something... some much greater force of the universe that will keep you going.
There is another principle called giving out of your need. If you need something then give something. This is a very misconstrued fact in Christianity, but it is a fact... a law of spiritual quantum physics none the less. It works as reliably as gravity. Christian preachers try to make it sound like this is some economic principle, and it can be, but it goes way deeper than cash. If you give your time, your energy, your heart to help someone who couldn't possibly help you back, just because you love... then you will recieve something you need in return, just from the universe.
I know that you are 15, and so I don't suppose you drive, but you are getting around the city somehow. I suggest that you do volunteer work, either in some organized program like the hospital volunteer program, habitat for humanity, or a rest home near where you live, or that you just find a way to help elderly people or someone in your community with small children. Maybe you could read to little kids at the library. There are all kinds of things out there that you could possibly do, but find something that would help someone and do it. Give care to someone out of your time and your own need. Care deeply for the people you help and love them in the same way you want to be loved, and cared for by your friends. If you do this with a genuine interest in others, you will find that your problems will get better. It works... guaranteed to work. It is like gravity, and just as relibable... though time frames do vary a bit more than gravity. There is no telling what you will get from this, but it will definaitely be something you need.
No, we can't let him destroy your life... he messed up your situation, and he messed up your emotions for a while, but we have to move past that, because you have great things in your future. That one man, and whatever entities control him, cannot be allowed to mess that up. It is too important, very much more important than whatever power he holds... to allow that to stop you. You have lost momentum, temporarily, but your life isn't over, and there is much for you to do. Over time, if you let it, the pain will fade, and make you a stronger person, with an experience that perhaps you can use to help others once you have it in perspective.
You are bright, you are powerful, you are creative, you are compassionate, and you are a good person. Don't let one person screw that up. He doesn't have that much power unless you give him power.
Clean up your house, spiritually as well as physically. Give it love, and it will love you back. Pray for your house. Bless it, and give your energy to it, and it will become a wonderful refuge... that is advice I need to follow myself, but it does work. It just has to be kept up.
Reading and Photography are good things. Reading may help you heal, and you photography is a way to let out your feelings. So is writing, and you also have a gift for that. Don't repress... I know it sounds like that is what I am saying but really I am not. YOu need to feel your feelings, but don't wallow in them. Art of any kind is a great way to give your feelings expression, and work through them without falling into negativity. Your life itself is a canvas, and you are the paint. Make it your own. Don't let others dictate what you feel, and what you display. Become more creative and the world will mold to your desires more.
Here is a trick I know for buildings that won't make you feel right. Get up your strength a bit first. Start with your house... start at ground zero so to speak with your self, and then your house, and then to places you go often that don't... 'feel right' claim them. There is a story in the old testiment, about a building that offered resistance.... a walled city called Jerico. The jews were at war with them, and they marched around the walls seven times, and on the seventh time the walls fell. Now this is a proverb... a principle to be applied to less tangible walls, like the way your school makes you feel like an outsider, and not a part of it. Like there is RESISTANCE to you... you are getting a lot of resistance. But that resistance is just confirmation of what I already know. You have a greatness about you that something out there is trying to wear down. Don't let it. Wear the resistance down instead. I have walked around buildings seven times before. I have driven around blocks in my car seven times before. However big a circle you have to make so as not to look strange do that. Go for a walk that surrounds your school... seven laps, praying and meditating all the while asking for direction, and in return directing that spiriutal changes happen that make a place for you there, where you can feel comfortable. Pour your heart out in prayer. Explain what is wrong, and ask that you be given the power to make a difference, not just for yourself, but for others who also suffer with whatever oppression you are feeling. These kinds of things make a difference, and they do work. One walk of seven laps might be sufficient, but do it till you feel differently about the school, as many times as it takes. Use your energy and abilities to make it feel right.
You aren't alone in feeling resistance. I've felt it many times in my life, and it is true... it is always darkest before the dawn. I feel resistence in my very bones these days, and it is hard to put one foot in front of the other, so I know how hard it is. I have given in to that before myself, many times. I've let myself be swept under, but I keep coming to the surface again and again... and eventually I have the strength and faith to step out and make things right again. It isn't easy to find that kind of courage to make it all work, but this is a war... we are litterally in a war right now against our opposite forces. The truth is that is probably why your dad acted the way he did. That could be why certain people feel cold and distant, though mostly people just take a while to warm up to others, and that is probably most of it. At any rate you will find resistance whenever you have a job to do. You will find resistance at every step and turn, but you will also find the wind beneith your wings so to speak, eventually if you get on the right track. There are tracks through life... it is sometimes called syncronicity... little places and feelings of de ja voo along the way that let you know you are on the right path... but you have to work hard to find those. Once you are in them though, it is much easier... for a while at least.
Your path in life is called your dharma. It is better to follow your own Dharma badly than another person's Dharma well. You have to find your own path in life. You can't just copy someone you admire and make it work, you have to find that special nitch for yourself, and make that work. I think you are closer than you think. The pieces of your Dharma are out there waiting for you to find them. It is a bit like following a trail of bread crumbs, and there are always the birds, trying to steal those bits away, so that you get lost, but the thing is that you can always pick up the trail again... a bit down the road. Your dad was a fat greedy pigeon on your path, gobbling up bread crumbs. I know that wasnt' all, but that is what it amounts to now. He's in the past now, and you have to find your trail fruther down the road. You can pick up this path or dharma whereever you are physically... and once you are older you can go wherever you wish... provided you make the right choices and create opportunities.
It would not suprise me if ten years from now you were in a position to travel, or relocate wherever you wanted to go, and have a career wating for you... you are that bright, so that with the right education behind you, well you could go anywhere in the world you wanted to go, but right now you are where your mother lives. It will be a while before your place of residence becomes a true choice. It will be eventually though. None of this stuff is perminant, so shine where you are, and eventually you will not be so restricted.
|
|
|
Post by ShutterBug on Jul 6, 2008 6:03:03 GMT -5
I'm still not getting enough sleep. I have yet to sleep yet, and it's 6:30 a.m. There will be no sleep for me, and I have school tomorrow (*groan*).
I have decided to become vegetarian. I still love meat, and am trying to deal with getting over hte intense cravings, but I can't support how those poor creatures are treated. In the Bible, it says God put the animals on the Earth for us to eat. I can't believe He would agree with how they are treated. So no more meat for me. I am eating chicken, though, to take care of the protein that my diet would be lacking.
I still feel so... helpless and useless. I don't feel like I'm helping at all. Some of my friends are going through rough times, and I feel helpless to help those I care about. Same with my mom.
The thought of sleeping, in my bed, ... my mind rejects it. I don't know what's going on with my room. I'll think of going to bed and my mind is just like no wayyyyy. So then I'll stay up a little later, until it feels like I'm about to pass out from exhaustion. Only then can I force myself to face myroom.
I've become hopelessly addicted to reading, to a point where it is unhealthy. My reading so much is a contributor to my staying up way too late. When I go to my room and I don't yet feel comfortable sleeping, I read so my body will relax a bit. Since I love to read so much, I get carried away. Before I know it, it's 4 in the morning and I'm still up. Then, I don't wake up till 3, 4, in the afternoon, and the whole thing starts again.
Yeah. I keep going to sleep later, and later. First it was 1. Then 2. Then 3. Finally, anywhere inbetween 4 and 5 has become my bedtime.
I feel like I'm missing a part of me. Something important. Like I lost a limb, and I have yet to realize it's gone yet. I still feel it there, but I know it's not real.
(Sorry if I repeat anything, like I said, no sleep.)
|
|
|
Post by KG on Jul 6, 2008 23:49:40 GMT -5
Wow, you explained that very eloquently. I am sorry to hear you are feeling bad. I know you are going through a lot, and I want you to know you aren't alone. WE are all here for you, and even though we are going through many of the same feelings that you are, for a wide variety of different external reasons, and perhaps a lot of very similar internal reasons, we still want to help.
I think a lot of us are experiencing the same kinds of problems. I know the late bedtime is a common problem for all of us. The dread of bed so to speak, keeps us all up late. Bear thinks I stay up late because I want to type on line, but a lot of nights, I stay up and type late, cause I don't want to go to bed. I hate to get into bed, and then can't sleep. It is a common problem for all of us. I know the cycle of going to bed later and later also, as well as the fact that I just function better on that schedule, but everyone else thinks it is lazy to do that. It is the same number of hours though. If it was up to me, businesses would open at lunch time and stay open till three AM, but it isnt' up to me, so I keep watch al night, till late, because for some reason it seems necessary. I don't know why, and then I pass out between 3 and 4. I was trying to do better about that till this weekend though, and now I am back to staying up. I am still usually up by 9 though. I feel like crap no matter how much or how little I sleep, so I figure it doesn't matter.
What is it about your room though? I mean what exactly is it that bugs you about it. Maybe you could try to clean up the energy, if that is the problem.
Why do you have school tomorrow? It is summer, or don't schools close in summer any more? I would think Florida would be really miserable with the heat and all... and everyone is trying to be cheep on the electric bill. It must be sweltering in your classrooms.
I can relate to that also. I notice that everyone is just as miserable as I am, and perhaps moreso. What is it? I am thinking this problem is bigger than just our own personal problems. It seems like a lot of people are brought down, depressed, confused, and generally not doing well emotionally. We all have a variety of different reasons, but an awful lot of us are miserable lately. It must be some spiritual wave of really bad energy just spreading all over the place. All we can do is stick together and try to pull through this time of miserable energy.
I am hoping that either things just improve on their own, or we find a way to fight this thing. I have yet to figure out exactly what the problem is, or what is causing it. I only hope that when I find out I still have the strength to fight it. Right now I am trying to pick myself up by my bootstraps on all levels. I am trying to work harder, in the physical, and loose weight, as well as gradually cutting back on smoking. All I know to do is TRY to feel better, not just go through the motions of doing what I have to do, as I have been doing for a good while, but actually figure out how to enjoy my lfe. I've not been having a lot of luck, but some. I at least have hope now, that things are getting a little better.
I think that is the best thing I can say is to try to hope that things get better, and make plans for the future. Looking to a brighter future, often makes the present a little better. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Kim
|
|
|
Post by ShutterBug on Jul 7, 2008 12:43:55 GMT -5
That lovely thing called summer school. -_- It's not that bad, but like I said the school... I hate it.
As for the room thing, I don't know. Maybe it's because I don't like being alone (which would explain why the books help a bit). Or it could be negative energy in the room. I don't know.
And as for going through the motions of doing what you have to do, I am very familar with that. *sigh*
|
|
|
Post by ShutterBug on Jul 9, 2008 12:37:52 GMT -5
I just found out that my family in VA GOT RID OF MY STUFF. ALL MY BOOKS OFF MY SHELVES. there was hundreds of dollars worth of books, AND MY FAVORITES. MY MOTHERf**kING SIGNED COPIES OF MY FAVORITE SERIES. TAHT f**kING BASTARD GOT RID OF MY SIGNED COPIES. I am so upset right now. I can't stop crying. This is worse than it has been, worse than it was with me just leaving. I WANT TO KILL THAT MAN. It's not right, but d**n IT HE GOT RID OF MY FAVORITE BOOKS. MY EXPENSIVE BOOKS. IT WILL TAKE YEARS TO REPLACE THEM ALL. THAT f**kING BASTARD! I am so hurt and upset right now. Not only that, they got rid of my shoes. Those aren't as important as my books, but my older pairs had MEMORIES with them. Like my favorite pair of sneakers, or my boots, or my hightops. d**nIT. i am so hurt right now. The hole had been closing but it's been RIPPED WIDE OPEN.
Why would he want to hurt me so bad....
My mom said there is something chemically wrong with his brain. THA MAN IS A f**kED UP CRUEL BASTARD. What I'm wondering now is if my stepmom had anything to do with it, or if it was all psycho bastard.
Did I mention that he told my mom that I am "no longer [his] daughter"?
Yeah.
EDIT.
My mom came home early from work because I was so upset when I called her. She said she talked to my dad, and he told her he threw out all of my stuff because he didn't want any memory of "what happened in that room" (something like that) basically of me living with them.
|
|
|
Post by KG on Jul 10, 2008 11:02:50 GMT -5
God d**n him, God d**n his immortal soul to hell, and I mean that. May he burn in hell... not that he needs my help to go there. HE's pretty well sealed his fate. May there be no mercy on his soul.
I can't say much more than that, right now. I am so pissed I am shaking. How dare he. He is one sick puppy. There is more to his action than just the surface. I know what he's feeling and it is abnormal, wrong, and sick.
I am just so glad you got out of there when you did. Books can be replaced, and even a valuable signed copy is nothing compared to what living in that house with him could have cost you... perhaps you could sue, but I am not sure that would be the best course of action.
|
|
|
Post by ShutterBug on Jul 11, 2008 11:28:15 GMT -5
This event with my father wrecked the little bit of ... stability I had gained.
I had gone for sobbing for a good half hour a day (AT LEAST) to crying for a few minutes then feeling better.
I'm back to sobbing heavily for long periods of time. I keep thinking, there's got to be a limit to how much this thing can hurt me, right?
And it keeps proving that, no, there's not.
|
|
|
Post by lordazurath on Jul 11, 2008 18:28:04 GMT -5
you forgot about your angel, you forgot a lot of things. you worry too much. things happen for a reason, look for that reason.
|
|
|
Post by Wunderkind on Jul 11, 2008 22:07:21 GMT -5
I'm just as pissed for you. All of that knowledge, what a waste. Wasteful, wasteful. I hate wasting. Part of my problem with being a pack rat, actually. >.>
Still, I do not believe I have any timeless wisdom for you, my connections are a little fizzy. So I'll give you some Mem wisdom. Sift through enough crap in your life and you'll find a pearl. There ya go. =) (Mind you, that pearly may appear insignificant at first, but it will send a positive chain reaction your way).
|
|
|
Post by Kata Samoes on Jul 12, 2008 1:27:25 GMT -5
Look on the brighter side: you're past the worst of it.
|
|
|
Post by ShutterBug on Jul 12, 2008 15:44:19 GMT -5
I'm starting to stress eat again. When I moved, the food was down stairs and out of easy reach. Therefore, I stopped my stress eating, and made sure not to overeat. But now, when I'm here, it's a 1 story, so the food is always in easy reach, and when I get depressed I overeat. All the time. I've gained back all the weight I had lost when I moved, and more.
|
|
|
Post by Wunderkind on Jul 14, 2008 14:05:24 GMT -5
I've been on this awesome organic diet, and I found from it that I stress eat and boredom eat. When I'm not doing that, I bite my nails and chew them (eewww, I knoooow). However, there is a cure! Buy TONS of your favorite gum. And just pop it in you mouth and chew. Seems to get rid of most of it. Apparently the act of licking and chewing (not eating) is has a calming effect on us and other animals. =)
Also, buy a little carrier for all the gum, so it's in easy reach.
|
|
|
Post by ShutterBug on Jul 14, 2008 18:51:18 GMT -5
DAMNIT. BECAUSE I NEVER TOOK ANY PICTURES OF THE CORNER OF MY ROOM WITH ALL OF MY BOOKS, I CAN'T SUE HIM FOR THOSE BOOKS, BECAUSE I HAVE NO PROOF THAT I EVER OWNED THEM.
GODDAMNIT!
And.
My dad used to sing a song "A Love Without End, Amen" by George Strait. It's a lovely song, one that I can't listen to without crying. I don't think I will ever to really listen to that song, ever again.
|
|
|
Post by stonerwolf on Jul 14, 2008 21:35:36 GMT -5
I'm starting to stress eat again. When I moved, the food was down stairs and out of easy reach. Therefore, I stopped my stress eating, and made sure not to overeat. But now, when I'm here, it's a 1 story, so the food is always in easy reach, and when I get depressed I overeat. All the time. I've gained back all the weight I had lost when I moved, and more. im the opposite... i dont think that helps... but ah umm... hmm... is there any evidence what so ever? any pictures of you in that room, anything at all?
|
|