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Post by Kata Samoes on Jul 14, 2008 23:34:38 GMT -5
<~*&*~>
Sanu. Morap. Kassu. Qorahp.
You will regain your losses in more ways than you'll expect.
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Post by KG on Jul 15, 2008 0:27:04 GMT -5
Thank you Kata!!!
That should help.
Many of us have been sad and/or despondent lately, for various reasons, or reasons unknown, but I think that might be about to change. Let's try to feel better. I vaguely sense something good on the winds of change.
Kim
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Post by ShutterBug on Jul 15, 2008 12:34:58 GMT -5
I don't have any pictures of that part of the room, that's the thing. i never thought I'd need them!!!! Gah.
Edit...
Today, I apologized to my dad. I told him I was sorry for the way I left. I refuse to apologize for anything else. Nothing else needs to be apologized for on my part. I didn't do it for him. I did it for myself, so I can start to heal, and to forgive him, and myself.
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Post by ShutterBug on Aug 20, 2008 23:16:48 GMT -5
It's been like a month since my last post. The situation with my father hasn't improved, but it hasn't gotten worse. I've realized since I didn't want to feel grief for my father because he was an icky, icky man, I was putting it on other aspects. I've addressed the grief as itself, and I feel a lot better.
School has started, but because of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Faye, I went Monday and haven't been back all week. I go again tomorrow (thank goodness). I still hate the school building, and I haven't gotten the chance to do what Kim suggested, but it does feel slightly less... negative and hateful when I walk in there. Or maybe it should feel the same and I've just given up on caring what a stupid school feels about me.
I've been getting vibes off people a lot more frequently lately. It's... strange. I don't know how to better describe it than that. I'm not sure if I like it or not yet. I used to get vibes, but not nearly as strong as now.
As far as health goes, I'm good. I've gained some weight since I've moved back to FL, but I don't seem to be getting fatter... hopefully it means I'm getting taller, even if it IS only a few inches... (I hate being short.) If not, I hope to lose the weight.
My mom took me to a psychologist, because she thinks it'd help. Then she was like "You seem so much better, I don't think you need one now..." and I couldn't help but think "No, I've pulled it together more to the point where I can hide it better from you."
I emailed my step mom. She didn't email me back (I didn't expect her to). I think my dad might've erased it before she could read it (he reads her email).
I've emailed my father a few times, never getting a response.
I've punched the walls in my room a few times, once the closet door (Yes, I know that isn't smart, etc, bad Sammi, you'll mess your hand up, I know). I messed up my knuckle (mostly just the surface, but it did hurt to make a fist or use my right hand for a few days... not a big deal, since I'm left handed), but it made me feel so much better I feel it was entirely worth it.
My mom and I fight a little bit, just nitpicky stuff, that is so stupid that she yells at me for. It's gotten better but it still hurts my feelings.
I'm learning to play bass, and that helps. When I get really upset, and I play, I can feel the anger just drain out of me.
As for acting on my anger, and agression and such, most days I'm... mature about it, and realize that calling my father all sorts of nasty names and other such nonsense is just that, nonsense, and would be a waste of time... Then other days (today it was bad), I just want to drive up there and yell and scream and get in his face. I want to HURT him, physically, like he hurt me emotionally.
I'm feeling extremely negative about myself lately, and I'm trying to stop it, but it's not easy. I can be more hurtful to myself than my father ever could HOPE to be.
Sorry if I repeat anything or don't make any sense, I haven't gotten good sleep in a while and I should be asleep right now since I have to get up for school at like 5:30.
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Post by Kata Samoes on Aug 20, 2008 23:47:32 GMT -5
It all made sense to me.
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Post by KG on Aug 21, 2008 11:59:35 GMT -5
I am glad things are a little better, at least with school. I know what you mean about the scuffed knuckles and I figure most people on this board do. We could take a poll on that, but I figure it is common. It makes you feel kind of crazy after, when your hand is bleeding, or the wall has a hole or whatever, but most people do that at some point. It does help... somehow.
Then there is primal scream therapy. Where you go outside... hopefully where people can't hear you and just scream like a crazed primative warrior till you feel better. I've heard that helps but I am not very verbal when I am angry. Even a scream doesn't seem to come out because I a brooder, but I do feel better till I hit something.
One thing I did for a while was take a pair of brass knuckles and a pine board and just go crazy on it till I wore the brass down. I pounded that thing for a half an hour, and other than a two dollar pair of brass it hurt nothing... the 1x12 board had some little dents in it, but that didn't mater... It was just a little scrap from a building project. I never used it for anything but it was "antiqued." The structure wasn't harmed, but a 2x 12 would have been better and not had so much give in it. The surface I put it against wasn't harmed but you want to make sure to put it against something that is strong and doesn't matter that much.... oh the stores have to refer to brass knuckles as a novelty paperweight now... LOL
Anyway Hitting stuff feels good, and there is no harm in it. Protect your knuckles and find something you can't hurt. Hammer away. Writing also helps. Kind of opposite but it helps. Type what you feel and then either save or delete. Anger is something that our society inhibits way too much I feel, but I guess it beats going around killing people. ;D In general though we all have to eat way too much shit, and life feels very imprisoning at times. I wish sometimes for hack and slash battle in the physical realm but that is completely unacceptable in this society. Video games have that, and I figure that is why they are so popular now.
As for your weight, chances are you are developing muscle, and muscle weighs much more than fat per square inch. For that reason you gain weight while loosing inches cause everything that builds muscle also burns fat. Keeping yourself strong, by developing muscle is a good thing.
As far as stress relief pets help. Do you have a pet? Or access to an neighbor's animal you could pay attention too. Pets keep us emotionally sound. Even watching fish in a tank lowers blood pressure, though I prefer something warm and furry. Pets are good listeners, and cats have an added bonus of being natural mystics. They do understand what we say, on a unique level that no human could ever get.
I hope you continue to deal with this in whatever way helps. I also want you to remember that you are a very special person. You are bright, capable, and amazingly wise for your age. WE love you here, so don't be a stranger and do keep posting.
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Post by ShutterBug on Aug 21, 2008 17:23:37 GMT -5
Thank you Kim. Your last few sentences mean an awful lot.
Last night, when I wrote my post, I felt all jumbled up. I'm surprised I managed to get it down as well as that.
I have 3 pets. Two cats, and one dog. Writing has never really helped me. For me... getting out my anger usually is best by destruction, of SOMETHING. Ripping papers up, punching walls, etc...
Because of Tropical Storm Fay (and my school is flooded in some parts [because of the storm]), no school tomorrow. AGAIN. Gr.
The power at my house (I'm not at my house right now) went off for a while. Now we are afraid it'll go off again. That will suck. It's so dang hotttttttttttttttttttTTTTTTTTTTTTTtttttttttttttttttt. Especially without air conditioning or fans. And so boring, once it gets too dark to read.
I ache for my home. I really do. I've been so stressed, it's been manifesting itself physically. My back has been horrible, same with shoulders and neck. Lol, I keep bruising myself (I do that anyway). Like right now, of the ones that are decent sized, I have one on my right hand (I hit it by accident on the corner of a chess board) and two on my right leg (... I don't know where they came from).
I've gone to the movies soooooooo much over the summer. I'm not much of a movie person, but it seems like the only even mildly interesting thing to do around this stupid place is either go to the mall and walk around, or go to the movies.
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Post by KG on Aug 22, 2008 12:26:08 GMT -5
No need to thank me. It is just the truth. You are loved here. I get that too. I hate that feeling though. I used to get a lot of bruises and not know where they came from. It comes from being busy, and in "survival mode" which is one way we deal with stress. Some people can slip into this state where, you don't take notice of getting hurt cause somehow the systems of the body just know it isn't a big deal, and can put small injuries on the back burner so that you can do what you need to get done. Then later you ache all over from all the crap you did without considering how to go about it without injuring yourself at the time, or registering small cues that we are damaging our bodies. When our mind registers certain types of hardships our bodies and our instincts just put us in a state where we could run for miles on a broken ankle and not feel it much till we are in safety. Something like that is valuable in a true survival situations. It is a termendous gift, but it often kicks in when it isn't necessary. We end up hurting ourselves unnecessarily because something in us has snapped into this state of being. What else is there? LOL Except internet which is my favorite. Or chores which are my least favorite, but need to be done.
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Post by ShutterBug on Aug 22, 2008 13:18:01 GMT -5
I, personally, prefer being outside to being inside. LIke I go for walks just to be outside. I feel claustrophic in all but the most high cielinged and light houses. There's this place opening up in my area in October and I want to be like "Let's go there as a late birthday present for me" because it sounds interesting... but it's technically a "bar" so I don't know if I could... It's called Icebar... made COMPLETELY outta ice... I wanna see it so bad... I've been spending a lot of time with my friend, instead of at my house. My mom went psycho on me last night for not having the dishes done (which I wasn't home to do). Then she got mad when I started stuttering. Yeah... I keep cutting my hands, and other spots, and don't know it for a few days. And finally I look and it's like where the hell did that come from?! I had such a vivid dream last night... I woke up in my house with my dad... And I was like YES! The last few months HAVE just been a dream!!!!! And he was still a creepy bastard, and I was still afraid, BUT I WAS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in the process of finding someone to live with when I woke up... that was like a punch in the stomach... I just wanna go home... I don't think that it's too unreasonable of a thing to want... I finally found a place where I felt WHOLE, and then I was ripped away... I just wanna go home... Edit. My birthday is in about a month. I'm glad I'll be older (my mom will HOPEFULLY give me a little more leeway as far as my curfew and other such nonsense) but other than that... The coming of my birthday, and what is usually a flood of cards, will be a reminder that my family up north has completely disowned me. I don't want my birthday to come. I REALLY don't want my birthday to come. And it'll be my "Sweet Sixteen", which is supposed to be a big deal for girls or something... and for me, I hope it's almost just another day. Maybe I'll go out to dinner with my friend. I am going to stay single, I think. My emotions are so F**ked right now... I'm so... crazy. No one needs to have to deal with this. It's bad enough I'M dealing with it. And, like I feel really negative about myself. Like, I changed my usernamey thingy back to booklvr. I wanted to change it to something... negative, but I don't feel like getting yelled at or something like I did last time.
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Post by KG on Aug 23, 2008 0:46:57 GMT -5
I like high ceilings and lots of light too. My house is like that, but Bear likes drapes and blinds. I always wanted to live in a house made of glass, and he always wanted to live in a cave... no wonder it took us a while to learn how to get along.
You can't always pick what you want. Sometimes everything is different than you had hoped or dreamed, but that doesn't always mean it is bad, or that it has no purpose. Usually things get better with time and effort, as long as you keep trying.
Well you could probably get a part time job at 16. Money is one of the things necessary to gain independence. It would be good experience also, and working is fun. I know no one believes me about that, but it is. LOL
Im sorry. Hopefully things will get better for all of us. I hope you have a good birthday, and that things improve. I know you are only 15 and time passes slowly, but believe me, in a few years you can go where you want. Maybe you can go to college in that place you miss so much. Maybe you can get a good job there after a couple of years of college or working, but the point is that you will not always have to live where your mom does. Right now you do, but that is soooo temporary at your age. Just a few more years and if you do those correctly you will have a lot more freedom.
I hope you don't decide to call yourself bad names. Everyone gets yelled at for that around here for that... or at least questioned. Everyone here is beautiful, sweet and wonderful. I won't hear otherwise from anyone. I dont' let anyone badmouth you guys, even yourselves.
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Post by ShutterBug on Aug 24, 2008 22:16:17 GMT -5
I can't stop crying.
Last night, while a friend of mine and a couple of his friends and my brother's friend were over (it was like 11 pm or something til 1 am) I ended up breaking down. That wasn't fun...
My mom has no clue how much pain I'm still in. Her drinking is getting worse, which is driving me to want to leave (again). This time, I don't have my dad to run to though.
The dreams... the ones I don't talk about on here... they are making me afraid to sleep. Not afriad to sleep so much as... adverse to it. I see either my father, Az, or both. Some nights my stepmom and sisters are thrown in for good measure. Every morning (or when I slow down enough to think) it hurts.
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Post by Ko'an Noi on Aug 28, 2008 7:16:29 GMT -5
And it'll be my "Sweet Sixteen", which is supposed to be a big deal for girls or something... and for me, I hope it's almost just another day. :lol: I have the same feeling - my 16th is coming up soon too, and I have no idea if I'm actually going to "do" anything for it - ie a party or something. I'll probably just have a few friends (Memory included) and my bf (if we're still dating then) come over (or go over one of their houses) and hang out for the day, or.... I don't know. I'm not a "throw a party" kind of girl. I'd be content to sit at home for the day, do whatever I want, or nothing at all, and getting my choice of dinner restuarant that night. I don't feel like my 16th birthday is anything big - my big one would be my 18th, when I can legally leave my house as an adult, get a tattoo, get a motorbike, and go to college. drinking bad! badbadbad!
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Post by KG on Aug 29, 2008 11:49:20 GMT -5
Drinking can be both an escape and an excuse. It can also be fairly harmless recreation, or even theraputic occasionally. It depends on the person, and the situation. There is no reason to think that someone having a drink or two once in a while is evil. It is like tylenol. One or two when you have a headache is fine. Swallowing a whole bottle of them could kill you. At the same time frequent use of alcohol is addictive, and frequent excessive use of alcohol is harmful to the body and psyche.
The main thing I notice about people who drink a lot frequently, is that they use it to make excuses for themselves, and somehow think that relieves their responsiblity for their actions. The fact is that they are still responsible for their actions. Unless a great quantity of alcohol is consumed, the person still has ultimate control of their actions. Personally I'd pass out before I did anything I'd regret, as some people claim to. Drunk or sober, people still do what they want to do, at least on some level. If their behavior drunk is bad, then that is simply something they are repressing while sober, but wanted to do anyway.
Alcohol simply frees you of your conscience and inhibitions just a tiny bit. It also makes for poorer reflexes and poor judgment in all but the most controlled of people... or people that have a high tolerance. In some people who are very self conscious, a little alcohol does kind of free them to stop worrying about what others think quite so much.
I have never seen it make someone act in a way that had no motivation to do sober. It generally brings out whatever they are repressing, but it doesn't create emotions.
Whatever you see in your mom when she is drunk is only what she is hiding when she is sober. People who repress a lot of anger, get angry when they are drunk. If they refuse to feel sorry for themselves sober, they will often throw a drunk, just so they can have a time of self pity. If they are extremely inhibitied and shy, they might get up nerve to be themselves in a group of people without feeling self conscious. If they are normally quite they might talk constantly while drunk. People are more honest when drunk... at least in effect. They might try to lie, but it becomes very transparent what they are really thinking because they can't think of ways to conceal the truth, and they give away information. For that reason you can find out a lot from talking to someone when they are drunk.
In any case the drinking itself isn't the primary problem. There is something underlying the cause, both long term and short term. She could have a long term issue, which caused her to develop alcoholism as a coping mechanism, and now something is bothering her in specific that has caused her to use that coping mechanism more lately. Maybe you should try talking to her, whether while she is drunk or sober. Don't talk to her about her drinking specifically. Just chat, and kind of lead it to where she opens up about her problems. It is possible that having someone to talk to about the issue, whatever it is, would lessen the pressure, and help her drink less. In general avoid a confrontational mood, and set a more relaxed one. Just chill and let her talk it out. Act accepting of what she has to say, and comfort her as best you can. It might help her a lot to know that you are on her side. I get a lot of comfort from my daughters, and if there is a problem, I'd a lot rather be comforted and offered help than accused of being selfish, and weak... even when I am.
We all have escapes, and those are invoked in many ways. I don't need alcohol to escape, my mind does it automatically, with just as much efficiency as a fifth of cheep burbon. Honestly I can function better with a fifth in my system, than I can while in denial of things I can't deal with. I can effectively forget my problems, but avoiding thoughts that bother me, but eventually I can't remember stuff, and avoid so many thoughts my brain doesn't work, if too many things get swept under the rug. I avoid stress in that way, the same as if I were drinking. I can't even help it when I get so overwhelmed I can't function... or rather it is very hard to pull out of, but I can.
I can sympathise with your mom. It isn't easy being a parent, much less a single one. It is only natural that she would find some way to deal with her inner pain, and alcohol is a common choice for putting stuff out of your mind, or at least looking at your problems without so much pain. A little kindness on your part might go a long way in helping her pull out of her stress. Sometimes having someone just listen is enough to make stress bearable. Of course there are things she might not want to talk about, but even if you go at the problem sideways, just getting in where you can, and letting her know she isn't alone, can help.
Follow up with a problem solving session sometime when she is more sober, being very careful how you approach it. Offer help, and ask if there is anything you can do to make it easier on her.
I know you have problems too, and it is a lot to ask of you to help your mom, when you have so much pain, but sometimes that is the best way to deal with personal pain, simply to help someone else, and let your own problems go out of focus for a moment. That fuzzy vision we get when we don't focus on something is often very helpful in resoulution of our own problem. Problems don't fix themselves because we focus on looking at them. They get fixed as we live in spite of them, and see other situations we can compare and contrast them to... only then can we come to terms with some things. In general if you want help then help others. IF you want a solution to your own problems, chances are you are too close to see them objectively, but to enter into helping someone else, is easier... now I admit sometimes a mom is too close to be objective about, but it sounds like she needs help, and you are the only one there to help. Give it a try.
I would think this is the best course, unless she is one of those people who are always raging and angry when they are drunk. In that case deal with her sober and find out what is making her so angry. Unless she is in a rage, it is probably a good time to talk, when she first starts drinking. Just sit down and chat. Try to affect the mood, by being calm yourself, and receptive to what she has to say. Just listen, and show you are interested. Lead the conversation to areas where you think the problems are without being obvious. Gently assure her that you are there for her, and that you care what she is feeling. It is OK to cry with her, and feel her pain as well as your own. Just listen and be a friend. It sounds like your mom could use one.
Kim
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Post by ShutterBug on Sept 1, 2008 16:34:09 GMT -5
This post has nothing to do with me being a whiny bitch like I have been lately, but I have no idea where else to write about this, and since this thread is already about me whining and such..
When I first moved into my house, it was about 5th grade. Really close to when I first moved, something woke me up in the middle of the night. I remember opening my eyes and the light was red in my room (it shouldn't have been like this) and I heard something... at the time I described iot as a whale but now I realized it sounded like someone moanig in pain... it was so scary... I was frightened the rest of the night... It was like 3 in the morning...
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Post by KG on Sept 2, 2008 22:21:09 GMT -5
First of all you haven't been a whiney B. We all whine from time to time, and there isn't anything wrong with it, as long as you eventually get up and do what needs to be done. I know you do that. You are keeping up your school work, and I know this is just a backset. Eventually you will feel better.
As for entities in the house, that is interesting and could explain a lot. Do you think that entity, which was moaning is still there, or is there a new thing? (I didn't realize it was the same house you lived in now that you lived in before)
do you know who lived there before you? Maybe you could check the library for accidents, deaths or things like that for people at your address... old newspapers are on microfishe and stuff like that. Anyway you might learn more about your house that way.
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