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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Aug 19, 2009 6:29:42 GMT -5
First off, if any of you can think of a better place for this, please, move it. Secondly, know that this was going to be a PM to Kim, but I decided to share it, on Ashira's advise, just so you all know a little about my thought processes and my general condition since I don't think most of you know me too well, other than when I go on a tirade. I do not expect any pitty or sorrow, hell I don't even expect any comments about this. I don't care if it makes me seem weak or cowardly. I don't really care what anyone thinks. I just want people to know me. This is not a cry for help though it may sound like one. Keep that in mind if you read this.
well... here it goes...
After doing some hard thinking, I might join the Navy if I can lose 150lbs in a year. It's a gaurnteed job for at least 8 years, a home away from my parents for 6 to 8 months at a time, unless I'm land locked, but there's no fun in that. I want to be on ships! Full medical and I won't even have to cook for myself, unless I'm on gally duty. It all depends though if I can get down from 325lbs to around 175. I've talked to recruiters and they said that if I could do it, I'd go in as an officer after taking training after bootcamp and Obama would pay for my college. 2 years reduced pay though seems more like I'm paying for it rather than the government, but honestly, I don't really care. I just want someone to help me snap my mind in some sort of semi-order and I don't trust shrinks. I have 1 year to find a job and start paying off my loans.
I'll be 27 at the end of the year and I've not had any real life experience. I am, honestly, scared of moving forward with my life because I've not been able to. I've missed out on so much that I most likely needed in order to make it in the world. My social skills aren't great. I think I've held myself back as much if not more than my mother has. I still can't work up the nerve though, to tell her exactly what I think. I may be brave astrally on the battlefield, and even in the real world with some of my choices, but I'm still a craven, fat, barely a man, individual when it comes to my mother. I know she'll not want me to go into the military. She tried to keep my nephew from going in by telling stories about how bad Vietnam was. She'd talk about how her exhusband (my half brother's father) did things over there that no one should ever do. My nephew simply walked out of the room. He's 18, and I'm 26 and I can't even do that. I can't even raise my voice to her and it frustrates me.
I feel like I'm dying a little inside, each hour I'm awake. I want to either get it over with or sleep forever. Anything to keep from feeling as I do. It's probably the reason I can't sleep at night more than 3 hours at a time. I'm not healthy, far from it. Maybe physically if I weren't so flippin fat... mentally though... I can't stand shrinks, I know I need one though. I'm scared to call one... I'm scared of my own shadow half the time it seems and I don't know how to fix it. I'm scared because all I feel lately is anger. Anger and hate for my current situation. Anger at myself for letting it happen to begin with. Anger at the government for letting the ball drop economically, though it should be directed at the corporations and real estate money lenders as well. Anger at all the stupid people that can't get along with each other. I'm about to explode but even if I did, it won't help the world as a whole, unless I went nuclear heh. All the stress these past few months has caused me to start smoking again. I thought I quit when I was 20. I'm weak willed, I guess, but whatever. At least I'm not a drunk... yet. I wish I could go back to when I was 14 and relive that section of my life so I could fix all my issues that I have now and build a foundation to help ease any new issues that might come up, using the experience gained from a well spent teen years instead of jacking around and feeling scared. I never got over some of those fears I guess. Maybe they got amplified as I grew older. I don't know. Really I don't care. I want to change now and live as I should, but I don't know where to get started except for what's already been said, get a job and move out... I need to get over my fears before I do that and that's what I don't know how to do.
edited for language
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Post by Del on Aug 19, 2009 8:12:51 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing Lan. Anything said after my first point is strictly my opinion; in the end you'll be making the decisions.
First, you've taken the first step by speaking about it.
Now, i wouldn't recommend the military as a route for anybody. My sister is a National Guard and part of her reasoning was the job security. And yes, that is a great perk, BUT, you will be at their beck and call until you are either 6 feet under or you've managed to make it through your contract without being vol untold to sign for more 'jail time'.
If there was an alternative I could offer you, I would, but I am at a loss right now.
Taking care of your physical well being, coincides with taking care of your mental and spiritual being. Your spiritual self is in good shape, so use that strength to bring your mental and physical state up to par.
What is it you want out of life? You're only 27, you're two years older than I am, and guess what? Life is just beginning. So take advantage of it RIGHT NOW. Again, you've taken the first step by talking about it, now do it. Lose the weight. Search for a program that will help BUT add into that search what you want to do now that your life is beginning.
What is your goal? If you could create a personal legend, what would it be?
Don't worry about your mother because in the end, it's only you that's left. Working on yourself will help you to gain that confidence to put your foot down. It took me time...a lot of time to gain that confidence.
Lan, you feel it within you, to take that initiative, so please, just do it. Our greatest adversary is our fear, which can also be our greatest teacher. You've just demonstrated yourself, that if you do nothing, nothing will become of you. Yet for you to simply post this says to me that your soul wants to have a voice. Let it speak. Listen to it and let is speak. IN order for it to speak, i needs your body and your mind.
So get it together as best as you know how and all will fall into place.
As I was typing this, my mother sent this to me via email. Timing is everything, although our perception of it is subjective. There are no coincidences. Take this with a grain of salt, but if it resonates, then let it move you, allow it to move you from the inside out:
The two nodes of the Moon -- the north and the south node -- play a very important part in astrology. The nodes are not planetary bodies, but mathematical points that take into account the relationship between the Sun, Moon, and Earth at the time of our birth. In the zodiac, they are always directly opposite each other and together they form the nodal axis.
The lunar nodes point to our personal karmic imbalance. The astrological theory behind the nodes of the Moon suggests that we all come into this world with some underdeveloped and overdeveloped aspects of our character. The north node represents qualities that we need to develop to find inner balance, while the south node points to personal character traits that are easy for us to fall back on. They represent life lessons that we consciously need to learn for increased happiness, fulfillment and personal success.
The nodal axis changes signs approximately every 19 months. Since December 18, 2007, the north node has been transiting through Aquarius with the south node in the opposite sign, Leo. On August 20 and 21, the nodal axis moves backward through the zodiac, and the north node moves from Aquarius into Capricorn, while the south node moves from Leo to Cancer.
Important advice for this transit: Get serious. Be brave! Work toward your goals. Instead of looking to others to take care of you, which is the south node in Cancer, north node in Capricorn means it's time to be an adult, step up, accept responsibility for both good and bad.
But remember, each planet exerts influence over certain aspects of life depending on how they are placed in your individual natal or birth charts. How will the energies of this important transit affect you? _____ No matter what WE may say in response, you are the one making the choice.
Del
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Post by KG on Aug 19, 2009 12:23:06 GMT -5
The important thing is that you said it outloud. I am just glad you got this out... off your chest... maybe it would be better on life problems but it is no biggy. This is fine.
It takes courage to make a post like this. I've tried a few times myself to confess my weaknesses and failure, but when it gets to the core stuff, I really can't even understand, much less express it... but believe me, we all have self doubts and feelings of failure and inadaquacy which we choke back all the time, and hide from everyone, especially ourselves. Most of the time we don't even have a clear picture of our own problems. You have seen the problem, admitted the problem to yourself, and then told us about it. All three things took a lot of guts, and I appreciate the efforts.
I think most people here, do feel like they know you Lan, and we love you! It's OK to admit this stuff. Honestly right now I am proud of you for saying this.
well... here it goes...
I think maybe you should get those last six months for your current degree is the only thing. I went for two different associate degrees and didn't fully get either one. I lacked only three classes for my Design degree, but I got hired out of school... and now my credits are completely lost. I really think you should Finish school, and get a degree... but then... if a job doesn't open up... IDK...
Normally I advise against the miliatry but... I like the idea of you loosing the weight. I think you'd veel better about yourself... not down to 175 though. That's just too far, for someone of your bone structure, and muscular development.
What happens if you only loose down to 210 or 220... are you free to go then? It used to be that way. If you couldn't loose down to their required weight, you were not in. I know people who tryed with the help of their recruiting officer and couldn't make it... but that was in the dark ages... LOL Now they have a special boot camp to help you with your weight? That might be a good thing.
150 pounds in a year sounds extreme... hardcore really. You are about the same size as my husband, and I don't see how 175 is even possible for you... or desirable. I'd guess your best weight at not below 200. I do think you could maybe loose 80 to 110 though and that would be just great. Plus you wouldn't have to go into the military. Use it for what it's worth and then... well you'd feel a lot better when the time came for looking for that computer job. ;D
Do they pay you in reducing camp? I know they'd feed and look after you. House you? It sounds like a good deal. I don't think you could loose THAT much. I mean 175 is very small for a guy. Still if you made it... I guess the navy wouldn't be that dangerous, considering the current war is in the desert... I don't like military though... it makes me uneasy to think of it... but the weight loss idea is good.
I don't trust shrinks either Lan... but the miliatary has them too. The evaluate you to decide what you'd be good for, and they determine whether you are combat material. They don't always tell you what they find, and it is kept confidential except to the people who asign you and perhaps some of the other officers. I have a freind who found out after at least 8 years of service, that they put him in medical, because they determined he was incapable of killing... and would likely choose to let someone shoot him rather than pull the trigger on someone else. The woman told him that at his exit interview, but not before. What she said makes perfect sense, and I know the guy very well, and I worried about that when he joined. I understand and agree, that would be the case, so maybe their shrinks are better... their tests are better or whatever. I know my friend told me what the woman said... and she said a lot of things not just that. She had him pegged to a tee.
A year after you finish school right? So go ahead and get your degree... you will regret it if you do not. Also use that year to start getting into shape at home. Military boot camps are tough, and if you go in there completely soft it is going to hurt. You may find that if you make the effort, you can loose the weight YOU want to loose without them... if in six months you are down to 250 pounds... well keep that progress, and re evaluate the situation.
I will say it took your complicity with her plan at least. This situatation is eroding you. I'd like to think there was another way than the military... another option... but it is probably going to take something extreme to get you going. My advice is take down the pounds. Start really working out hard. Your walks are a good start, but try weight lifting, running... doing home improvement projects outside the house... anything to get you lifting, bending, moving around like hard work. Physical fitness makes us all feel better.
When it comes to Mother... those of us who have controling ones are always afraid of them. It is a psychological head trip that they either knowingly or unknowingly get to us with when we are little. It is psychological conditioning. As someone who has raised children myself it is hard NOT to condition them... it is just a matter of what you choose to brain wash them with. A mother is god for the first six years of a child's life... and long after in some cases. You have to fight it though, or it will never get better. It is hard to know how to. YOu can't hit her, or really be mean to her, but at the same time you have to do what you think is right without her interfereance. YOU have to grow up in spite of her. You have to get a job, and learn to live outside of her house.
Have you tried sitting down and talking to her about this? I have spent years talking to mine, and it has gotten better, but she still expects me to listen to her... constantly listen to her drone on and on... and on... But she is better. She at least understands what I am saying now. Maybe if you sat her down, and just explained to her very humbly that you are going to have to do SOMETHING, and that as painful as it is, that something is going to have to be done in the outside world, outside her home... whether it is working, or joining the Navy, or whatever.... maybe she can grasp that. Maybe if you explain to her that it takes everything you've got to do this, and you need her support, or at least you don't need her critizism, she can grasp that too.
The nephew wasn't raised by her! It isn't easy to do that to your own mother. Many of us have that with our mothers. I can yell at mine, but I feel awful after... and it isn't worth it so I do not do it much. What you are going to have to do though is communicate with her. Let it be a two way conversation, but keep up your end. Discuss this with her. Don't argue, and don't back down and say whatever you want mother. Have an intelligent conversation with her, the way you would with me, or anyone else. I know it is harder when you aren't typing, and have to say it outloud, but... I don't suppose you could just send her and e-mail... no that is silly, so I guess you will have to talk to her face to face, and work this out. How you feel about her, the good and the bad, and what you need to do to be a man. Do not let her belittle you. Stick to your guns, and tell her that it isn't easy, but you need to make major changes in your life. Tell her you do not like the way things are going, and she has to let you pay off your loans, by allowing you to get a job, and not getting in the way. Tell her it is a competitive market, and you have to build up your self confidence and pick yourself up by the boot straps. If she is at all a human being, she will understand that, and respect it. b ut she is rigtht about Vietnam... a lot of horrible things happened over there, that no one should have on their conscience. I have seen the same kind of footage from Iraq, on some of the sites that carry that sort of thing. War is ugly and it hurts innocent people. It is not just a fair fight between soldiers. Babies get killed, and mother's get killed, and grandparents get killed in war zones, and it isn't a good thing at all... but on a ship it might be better... IDK.
I
I am going through some of that myself, and the best thing you can do is take some action... even a small action. Start a MAJOR workout plan. Clean up something. Apply for a few dozen more jobs. Catch up all your homework and study like there is no tomorrow. Get those credits. You have earned them and you will end up loosing them if you don't finish!
When you have taken enough action, that you feel good about this, and are sleeping better, and are rested, talk to your mom honestly about what is going on with you... how you feel about being 27, and still at home dependent and jobless. Tell her you really want things to change. If she respects that, and she should, fine. If not then do what you need to do anyway.
I'm not healthy, far from it. Maybe physically if I weren't so flippin fat... mentally though... I can't stand shrinks, I know I need one though. I'm scared to call one... I'm scared of my own shadow half the time it seems and I don't know how to fix it. I'm scared because all I feel lately is anger.
I rarely say this but go to church. Not your mom's church either. Find a place that loves people like I do. Set up an appointment to Talk to the pastor, if you sense he is a good guy... not all pastors are. Tell him about your trouble with your mom... don't say anything about the astral, just your real life problems... your problems aren't in the astral, they are here in the physical. Explain your problem. He probably has it within his power to find you a job of some kind. Pastors know people from all walks of life, including people that hire workers. They can help you with practical things, and help you with your psychological problems. Explain what is going on with your mom too... in detail. That is my best advice. Some pastors are very good at this, and others aren't but search around, and find a good one to talk to. In going to church you will meet people, and that will help your job search and your outlook. Look for a chruch with happy cheerful people. Good churches make you happy and bad ones make you stuffy, sad and judgmental. As an empath you will know soon after you come in the door if you are at the right place or not.
I've seen people really helped by the right church and really screwed by the wrong one. Shrinks are the same way to an extent, but Shrinks only help with your mind, IF they can figure out how to do that. I think a GOOD church could help you find a job, help you feel better about yourself, and help you socialize. I learned to be outgoing, and feel better about myself at Church. Nothing else worked for me.
Well we cannot change the past, and we cannot change global circumstances, but we can change ourselves. That is all you can do. Learn from the past, but move on past it. Don't let tommorow be like yesterday. Make it different, every day something new and healthy. Anyone's going to go stir crazy locked in their house, locked in their mind. Go out into the world some. It will make you feel better.
Put down those cigarettes while you can. You aren't really hooked again yet, and it would be easier now than later. Get some help. I really think Church is a good place to start, and I will go on line and search for some that look like they could help you.
We can't go back, we can only go forward. One step at a time... and no one is completely independent... go get help from people in your area. I strongly suggest a church cause they have everything you need, but if not, go try something else that gets you out of the house... like volunteer work... for networking purposes.
;D
Lan I am glad you wrote this and got it off your chest. There is no limit to what we can do if we really try, and now is the time to try... the good part is that it is always a NOW, all the time we live in the NOW, not the past or the future. So get started doing things Now, and just see what you can do. I will do the same. I've been having trouble with motivation too, and so maybe we can make a pact together to do what we can while we can to make a better life.
Kim
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Post by dania on Aug 19, 2009 16:30:22 GMT -5
Wow you're 27? I didn't know.
I personally think you *should* join the Navy- if that's what you want to do. I don't think you'll regret it, honestly.
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Aug 19, 2009 16:40:26 GMT -5
Part of my problems, I believe is that me and my father really haven't connected. He went through the navy, as did my grandfather on my father's side and my great grandfather. My dad's side of the family has a naval tradition going back to 1892. I know my father's disappointed because I haven't carried it on. This will help with that connection, plus it will cure one HUGE problem I have, and that's fear of leaving home. When pressed, I can do anything. I just haven't been pressed into leaving, in fact, quite the opposite.
The military won't take me unless I am at most 175 based on hight. I can get down to 190, go through fat camp until I've gone down to 175 or lower. I don't know if I'll get paid for the camp though. I know I'd get paid for boot which would follow immediatly after. Since I have 2 degrees, I'd leave boot and go to OTS and then join as an officer, which would keep me away from anywhere I'd rather not be if I prove to be good enough at what my job would be. I have exactly 1 year from now to get my stuff together and do something job related to pay my loans off. That's the short run goal. The long run is to cut as many ties as I can with my mom, live my own life and find someone. I'm working out the details now as well as trying to get a flipping paper out of the way for class tonight.
** back after turning in my papers**
I brought this up to my father, he just kind of shrugged. He's never discouraged me, but neither has he encouraged me to do anything. He's never guided me into anything, which I thank him for to a degree, but at the same time, I wish he would have suggested things when I was younger. He just kept saying "Do what you're good at and what you feel like doing." After choosing something though, he's done everything in how power to help, it's just getting the initial push in any direction that he's never given.
All besides this though, even if I can't make my deadlines with my weight loss, I'm going to try my damnedest. I need to lay out some kind of plan and then, rather than do as I usually do, I need to stick with it until completion. Even if I don't go to boot, this will help with self discipline. The first thing I think I should do is figure out how many calories I take in and how may I burn a day. Then increase activity levels.
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Post by KG on Aug 19, 2009 21:24:01 GMT -5
Well Lan it does sound like a logical solution... and you have thought it through very well. I can't believe I am saying this, considering my usual stand on military, but it is the navy... during a desert war... OK... If this is what you really want, then you have my blessing.
Kim
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Post by Del on Aug 19, 2009 22:04:24 GMT -5
Well Lan it does sound like a logical solution... and you have thought it through very well. I can't believe I am saying this, considering my usual stand on military, but it is the navy... during a desert war... OK... If this is what you really want, then you have my blessing. Kim I'm SO Sorry Kim. I went to quote and apparently I clicked the 'modify' button. I didn't realize it until after I the button that it said modify. I didn't change anything. I wanted to say 'Alright Kim!!!'
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Post by Wunderkind on Aug 19, 2009 23:37:34 GMT -5
I have nothing do add, really. Do as you see fit, it is your life and in the end you are the one to handle the consequences, good or bad.
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Aug 20, 2009 3:05:07 GMT -5
I just found out that the major part of my spiritual beliefs are not recognized by the U.S. government. If I manage to get into the military and die for my country, I will have "PAGAN NO-CH" on my dogtags, and not be able to have Thor's Hammer on my tombstone. Unlike Wicca, which is recognized, Asatru is not. In fact, Astatru is not a legal religion in the US, however Wicca is. The link I am sending is a petition to allow soldiers who die the right (which by the constitution, we already have) to have Thor's hammer displayed on their stones. www.thepetitionsite.com/1/hammerprojectIn my mind, and those who follow Asatru more closely than I, it is a warrior's religion. Why not let the men and women who fight and die under Asatru's teachings in our armed forces have their hammer or even a valknot?
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Aug 20, 2009 3:41:57 GMT -5
I hate it when my mind is going insane with ideas and thoughts and I can't sleep. A backup plan, if I don't make my deadline of 1 year for the weigh loss is to, if I can get money up, go to a teaching college to learn how to teach highschool. I don't think I could handle younger kids much, but I know I could probably teach computer related skills to highschoolers maybe even beginning college students. It's the wolf talking through me that made me think of this.
The main reason I am thinking about military is because, not only will I be pressed into leaving home for an extended period of time, but the fact that they will break me and they will rebuild me mentally and emotionally so that I can meet whatever challenge comes my way. The question becomes, how far can I go before I cannot absolutly take any more? If I could think of a harsher place to learn about ones limits, boot camp would be a second option. This for me is as much self discovery as it is serving my country and keeping a tradition. There's always been a Miller in the U.S. Navy. I could go the route of my mother's side and go Army or Airforce. Airforce is my second option really. Army is MAYBE a third. I got an e-mail from my recruiter around 10pm that I just got done reading. Tomorrow I'll get to take, for the 5th time, the ASVAB as well as a personality test so that they can better tune a program for me to prepare for boot. They have my records that I've not only scored high, but aced the ASVAB 4 times before. They thought I cheated in highschool three times, the forth time, I purposely missed a question at the end so I wouldn't have to take it again. It's not a hard test, just long, but oh well. I'm sorry for the double post and for rambling, but honestly, I can't sleep and I'd rather type something. I think I might start writing again, finish a story I was working on before I got too out of it to string more than three words together creativly.
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Post by Kata Samoes on Aug 20, 2009 9:52:25 GMT -5
My mind is currently jumbled for reasons I will share momentarily in another post, if I can get myself sorted, but since Del asked me to come here... I can only comment on the last post, the rest I feel is out of my territory for commentary.
"The question becomes, how far can I go before I cannot absolutly take any more?" - Lan
For reasons I will not disclose in public (nor am I sorted enough to PM it, but Ash knows), I can tell you with all honesty that you vastly underestimate yourself. Given some past situations, you've endured more than a lot of people can claim. Your choice in a method of discipline and learning, endurance and (mind went blank here, sorry) - you will succeed past even your current esteem lets you think so.
I hope, with whatever choice you make to go after this goal, you are impressed with yourself. I'd like to say I'm proud of you to consider the options you have, and further commemorate you if you choose to follow through.
Hope I didn't sound too jumbled here, and that my thoughts help.
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Post by KG on Aug 20, 2009 23:19:45 GMT -5
Kata speaks the truth. Kata always speaks the truth, and he does not ever lie, even when it would be easier to. We all see what you are within, and while it may seem a coincidence that you have been held back in life it is not. Those who have the greatest potential are frequently hobbled by circumstances, and I can only chalk that up to the works of the enemy. And there is always an enemy... a force that works against us, but there is also a force that works for us, and I do think that force is a stronger power.
I have fought by your side Lan, and you are powerful in battle. More powerful than most by a long shot. You are one of the few that has ever blazed in front of me, as we fought our way through a crowd of enemies. Your sword is swift sure and just, and as Kata was saying, your endurance will serve you well, and you will exceed your wildest dreams, no matter what your path, as long as you stay focused, and directed. We have the utmost faith in you, and our hopes are with you.
As you know I love you soooo much. You are like my own son, and it is very very hard to send you into physical battle where so much can be up to chance, but I believe in you. I believe that you can do anything you set your mind to, and that you MUST blaze in a forward direction, cutting a path for YOURSELF, and only you can choose that path. We are behind you and believe in you, and though it is so very hard to think of taking risks with you.. risks do have to be taken in life. We love you, and have faith in your ability to make the right choices.
Kim
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