Post by Del on May 17, 2008 10:53:57 GMT -5
I am going through a new set of changes; changes I haven't expereinced here in this lifetime as of yet, but it is in preparation for something grand. And I ma all at once excited and scared.
Excited because a deep part of me {the source being my soul one could say} is ready and has been looking forward to htis; while the other part is not ready and doesn't want to go through it just yet {this part of me could very well be the surface, the everyday me and the ever shrinking ego}.
I have an issue with Commitment. And as I have observed myself from when I can remember observing myself up to now, looking at my past relationships and how I have carreid on within them {in any kind of relationship}, I have always backed out at a time where it would be required for me to saty for a good deal of time...afraid of change, perhaps.
Now I accept change I see it as a part of growth, and no longer fear it {so that I have overcome}. So change in business relationships are not a bad thing or somehting I fear.
Friendships; that's something I am recently learning to cope with. I surround myself with those that are beneficial to my growth, supportive, and nonjudgmental, as I will be the same influence in their lives in return. This concept has led me to redefine what 'friendship' means. I consider people here on this board not as the same as I would someone I have interacted with face to face, ona near daily bases. People here on the board I would say are more friends to the soul than ego, and people I physically interact with on a day to day basis or by phone, etc, {those not on board but I have met face to face} I would consider the 'earthly' friend, a tool for growth of the mind and experience as a human being interacting with human people.
I have yet to coin or find a term that defines the above realtionships of 'friends'.
Now, the ever impending topic. Commitment.
I have heard from Prudence today; my 'Self'; my soul, etc, etc...my true being,
I was deeply betrayed two or three lifetimes ago {and that was a LONG time ago}. I haven't the whole story in pictures, but I have it in emotions, and it is heart breaking. She can't describe it in words, I cannot describe it in words, I can only feel what happened, feel how I felt back then after the betrayal.
Something beautiful was created, and then it was taken away, and I was left alone, dicarded as if it were all a facade.
He was taken from me {he as well as or children, or they were taken from me after his departure, either of death or of him leaving, not sure at the moment} and I don't remember how but it hurts, and I don't want it to happen again, and again, and again.
And I don't know if I really want to see the whole story right now, today, but eventually I would like to understand what happened, so that I can understand how to heal and prepare myself for any future intimacies. Because they are on the way, and I feel the reason I am being shown these things, and feeling these things is to prepare myself.
Now I understand why I have commitment issues.
It's amazing...how you could build something so beautfiul, and have it all stripped from you because of someone elses jealousy and anger. To exist to cause such strife in someoene elses life, it must cause that person a lot of pain. But a different kind of pain, because it doesn't compare to what I've felt and am feeling now.
But, that was a love I would love to experience again and again and again. Which begs to question who dealt the dirty hand of betrayal? Not just to me but to my children as well.
Excited because a deep part of me {the source being my soul one could say} is ready and has been looking forward to htis; while the other part is not ready and doesn't want to go through it just yet {this part of me could very well be the surface, the everyday me and the ever shrinking ego}.
I have an issue with Commitment. And as I have observed myself from when I can remember observing myself up to now, looking at my past relationships and how I have carreid on within them {in any kind of relationship}, I have always backed out at a time where it would be required for me to saty for a good deal of time...afraid of change, perhaps.
Now I accept change I see it as a part of growth, and no longer fear it {so that I have overcome}. So change in business relationships are not a bad thing or somehting I fear.
Friendships; that's something I am recently learning to cope with. I surround myself with those that are beneficial to my growth, supportive, and nonjudgmental, as I will be the same influence in their lives in return. This concept has led me to redefine what 'friendship' means. I consider people here on this board not as the same as I would someone I have interacted with face to face, ona near daily bases. People here on the board I would say are more friends to the soul than ego, and people I physically interact with on a day to day basis or by phone, etc, {those not on board but I have met face to face} I would consider the 'earthly' friend, a tool for growth of the mind and experience as a human being interacting with human people.
I have yet to coin or find a term that defines the above realtionships of 'friends'.
Now, the ever impending topic. Commitment.
I have heard from Prudence today; my 'Self'; my soul, etc, etc...my true being,
I was deeply betrayed two or three lifetimes ago {and that was a LONG time ago}. I haven't the whole story in pictures, but I have it in emotions, and it is heart breaking. She can't describe it in words, I cannot describe it in words, I can only feel what happened, feel how I felt back then after the betrayal.
Something beautiful was created, and then it was taken away, and I was left alone, dicarded as if it were all a facade.
He was taken from me {he as well as or children, or they were taken from me after his departure, either of death or of him leaving, not sure at the moment} and I don't remember how but it hurts, and I don't want it to happen again, and again, and again.
And I don't know if I really want to see the whole story right now, today, but eventually I would like to understand what happened, so that I can understand how to heal and prepare myself for any future intimacies. Because they are on the way, and I feel the reason I am being shown these things, and feeling these things is to prepare myself.
Now I understand why I have commitment issues.
It's amazing...how you could build something so beautfiul, and have it all stripped from you because of someone elses jealousy and anger. To exist to cause such strife in someoene elses life, it must cause that person a lot of pain. But a different kind of pain, because it doesn't compare to what I've felt and am feeling now.
But, that was a love I would love to experience again and again and again. Which begs to question who dealt the dirty hand of betrayal? Not just to me but to my children as well.