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Post by KG on Jul 19, 2010 1:45:49 GMT -5
I fully understand Kata. I have felt you, and sometimes I call you just to feel your power... It makes me feel safe. Sorry about that. It's funny because there are other entities I can call on, but there are just times which no one else quite works for, but the sense of you being there is enough most of the time. In this instance though, I have called on everything holy and a few things that probably aren't...
I have gone to Baba Yaga for help. In full knowledge of the kind of test she'd put me through... and that probably accounts for a lot of my stress. I have not been fully aware consciously of my test, but I know that she is one of those kill you or cure you kinds of entities, and she at least pretends that she'd rather you fail and die... but I know her and that isn't really the case. It's just part of the test.
I've tried to explain what the stories of Baba Yaga mean to me, but it's really hard to explain. Baba Yaga lives in a realm beyond the thrice 9 lands (poverty or low level medocre life) and the river stix (death) She is the one you bump into when you hit rock bottom. She's the one that tests you, fights you, challenges you to swim when you just want to sink, or fight when you just want to lay down and die. I have sought her out deliberately, because I have to resolve this, and regain my... er... myself.
Del's card thing is helping, and overall I feel better. I think I've met the challenge which I asked for, or at least part of it... I sense victory and I will take whatever victories I can get no matter how small.
Thanks Del Yes it's working.
I won't say can't... LOL I've been doing that for years. I have been ignoring the counterparts quite successfully. Meanwhile those THINGS grow. I know better, but I just haven't made time to deal with some of this stuff. I've felt really bad about myself, but rather than try to solve the problem, I tend to make weak excuses, and then just avoid thinking about it.
One of the most undeniable ones on the outside and the inside is a total lack of structure or organization. I think I mentioned that I have lost my ability to sort and classify household items. IDK... it's weird. I can barely arrange a silverware drawer properly, much less anything more complex. I long for a simple and spartan life, but it's just not happening. I have to figure out what form of rebellion my mind has taken which is keeping me disorganized.
Quote:I can't just say good things only about myself, while my subconscious argues the point. That's how the ego and shadow get started in the first place.
Well there are some things that I really really need to stop doing... and things I need to take out and look at.
I hate dispair... and it's hard not to call dispair negative... do we really have to be all PC with our inner workings? LOL
OH... I"ve been 'that way' for a while now, and some of these things represent years of bad habits that I have huge amounts of regret and guilt about, but don't seem to be able to fix. I think the main one I am addressing right now is powerlessness... learned helplessness... I think it is the key to all the others. I'm not helpless in all situations, but in certain situations I do give up, defeated before I even start. It's weird, I can work all day at some things, and others I do for half an hour and just can't make myself do anymore. It's as if I get exhausted. The stress builds up and it's just exhausting, and terribly unpleasant to do certain tasks... and it's really crazy. I'm really unable to do a positive card for that one, because I have not found an answer yet. I am hoping to get a clue... I'm having a lot of trouble being good to myself in general, but these cards are the nicest gift I could give me, and they are actually helping me not blame myself so much.
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Post by KG on Jul 20, 2010 9:03:13 GMT -5
I just wanted to let you know that I feel I have gone through a test and a transition. I will no doubt be experiencing the aftershocks of this for quite some time, also I will be integrating what I have learned into my daily life, and allowing old habits to die away, while establishing new ways of doing and being. Here is a link which explains what I really cannot. www.mythinglinks.org/BabaYaga.htmlPlease read this article. IT explains a lot!!! You know I see everything as litteral, so this was a very real experience for me, but one I could not see in my mind's eye till it was over, but could definitely feel the emotions of. I have been tested and tried and somehow I passed... You cannot imagine the feelings I have had during this time. I felt so alone, and like everyone hated me, but the fact is that I had to do this alone. Everyone who normally helps me has been so cold, especially my family. They have shoved me aside, and been utterly heartless to my complaints... and now I know that this is as it should be. Somehow they were made to be this way. I was not allowed the comfort of any help, but instead were given many tests and trials here too. My test has come and gone, and there has been no comfort from anyone till it was over. Even if it had been given, it would not have felt that way. I feel very alone still, even if they are all here. I have not had them in my corner at all. I do not know if they will come around and help or not now, but whether or not they do, I can do this. I have become stronger and wiser, and I have been taught to do repetitive tasks, and also the skill of sorting, and differentiating, and picking apart things. Now I have to learn to apply these lessons in daily life. I think the hardest will be to stop procrastinating, but I see now that it is necessary, and it doesn't matter who ELSE does something, when you know something is to do, a person should go ahead and do what needs to be done, even if others do sit back and let you, and not help you at all. Even if they order you around and act like you are the only one who can do anything, one should do what one feels needs to be done, because we will all pay if they don't. Kim
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Post by KG on Jul 22, 2010 14:49:25 GMT -5
I have my second interview on Monday for Belks... I'm pretty sure I got the job, and though it's only part time, it's a start back into working daily, not just twice a week, and I think it will be good for me.
One really good thing is that I saw the woman who originally hired me to work at Belks when I was 16. She looked great... considering how old she must be. She said she had retired, but went back to work part time, doing scheduling and time cards. She's wonderful. I had thought about her a lot over the years and it was great to see her again. I am so happy that she is doing so well, in her old age. She was always a sort of role model for me, because she was so professional, and also because she seemed to be such a great judge of character. I talked to her a little while, and her smile was so bright... I always felt a kinship with certain women, and she was one of those... very wise.
I am still concerned about the future... just watched the movie "The book of Eli". If you haven't seen it, I highly recomend it, even though it is depressing. I hope we never see that future. I hope and pray that we will rise above this poverty, and struggle and don't ever let things go so far as that... The scary thing is that it is the logical end to this... even without the neuclear blast, it's still possible that humanity will erode to that point. I just hope it doesn't, because it is also possible that humanity will improve, and that people will see the folly of their wasteful ways, and move on into an age of peace and spirituality... or we will stay about the same, a little better, or a little worse off depending on the decade, which is the most likely I suppose. LOL I do worry about the future though... and as I looked at the movie... there was a child crying and I thought, "how guilty must that mother feel." I know I do sometimes. I don't think kids realize how often mothers look at their kids and wish they could give them more. I know I have. I wished that I could do more, and I think of how many times I let them down, or maybe they didn't have the nicest of clothes, or that maybe I didn't measure up as a mom, or that possibly I should have given them a better home or more love or more things, and mostly I worry about the world I brought them into... and though I tried to prepare them, IDK if the are ready to face that.
I do wonder how it would feel to be a mother in a post appoclyptic senerio... I really don't want to, but I can't help but think about it. I hope and pray that things get better for all people, and that we continue to improve society, and make it safe and healthy for all people, not just the rich. I think we all take a lot for granted though. I mean even now we do all have a roof over our heads, and food and water. We have homes and electricity, and families that love us... or I guess they do... I am sometimes feeling unloved lately, but I know that will pass. I think it was part of the test I have been through, and that now it will be alright.
Kim
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Post by Kata Samoes on Jul 22, 2010 23:39:46 GMT -5
The part that trips me up, thinking back on it..was the ending. I don't want to spoil it. It was amazing.
I hope you get the job, Kim. It'll be a relief to hear of some give coming back to you.
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Post by KG on Jul 23, 2010 21:51:27 GMT -5
Yes I agree Kata, the end was amazing... and something I kind of hope happens IRL before it goes that far... all the aspects of the ending are about what should happen... well except that one very sad part... which was kind of like Moses... I don't want to give it away either.
Overall my recent spiritual trial is making me stronger. It's a gradual kind of thing, but I feel it helping, and defying my physical form which is still 50 years old, but in the mirror... I think I'm looking younger or something, or at least more alive. I feel more alive... I seem to move a little easier than I did, and I feel like I am in shape to at least start getting into shape. I feel that my will is a good bit stronger, and that feeling of helplessness has left me, at least most of the time.
My experience was amazing. I asked for this challenge, and I sensed the possibilities of it long before I asked for it. I was afraid, very afraid of it. My first knowledge of Baba goes back a long way, but I thought she was fictional. I mean I read the stories when I was about 12 or so, at the time I was researching fairy stories and myths. I thought of her as no more than that, but the story always kind of haunted me. It was one of my favorites.
Then back when I was so weak, she sent for me, and I went to help her because her land had gone dark. I thought of the obvious, but then learned that something had happened to her dawn rider. He was sick from the spiders which also infected me, and no matter how much he rode the sun would not rise on Baba's land. He was for want of a better analogy rendered impotent, and nothing he did mattered, because his power was gone. I managed to restore him, by clipping a maze of tiny almost invisable webs off him. He'd not even seen them, but they restrained him and bound him... but I could not cure myself. Baba thanked me, and I saw that she was a creature of great wisdom, and not some child eating witch. I talked to her and then returned home.
I researched what she really did and really stood for, and that coupled with our conversation led me back to her. I needed her help, and even though I wasn't exactly starving, and cast out of my home like the children in the stories, I was not any less desperate.
I asked for the challenge and I waited. I was only aware of awful stress during that time I was waiting. Sometimes I got flashes of images of Baba, or tiny bits of conversation with her, but I sensed her with me all the time. I felt her energy on me, and maybe that's why people stayed away, but during all that, my family really did leave me alone, even though I was with them... and they seemed to be angry with me. finally when it was over... or I guess it's over, I started to see what had happened.
I was aware of a huge celebration among my angels, and they were very happy... and I had no idea why till i asked. I was awaiting my test, not really aware it had started, though I did suspect it a couple of times... I was very unaware of the challenges till later. Though I was aware of her, I was really wondering when and if she was going to test me.
Only afterwards could I remember what happened. I only knew that I had felt very alone during the last few weeks, and that it seemed everyone was angry with me in my real life, and that astrally I had been unable to go anywhere. Suddenly though I got vivid visual memories of what had happened. The most startling thing was that I was transformed into a child... Sometimes I do appear as a child, but it always startles me. I had to feed her chickens, but she didn't mention there was sand mixed with the feed. She made me go back and pick up the grains of sand, one by one from the dirt where her chickens walk, and carry them one by one and put them on a pile on the table. If I picked up more than one grain at a time, she beat the backs of my legs with a switch. She had to beat me many times to get me to keep working. I wanted to give up, and she would not have likely tolerated that from anyone else, but she kept trying. She forced me to carry thousands of grains of sand one at a time, and place them on the table. Then I had to take a spoon and place the sand one grain at a time into it, and pour the sand into a bottle with a tiny mouth, when the spoon got full, then pick up any that I lost and put it in the spoon again. I had to do it exactly that way each time or she got really mad. Then she opened up her grainery and in there she had rice and tiny lentel beans stored, and I had to seperate the rice from the beans one by one, and put them in seperate jars. I filled up so many jars, that I had to re-arrange them many times in order to keep a path clear. I think there were other tasks, but I only remember those two. She was always there, thrashing at my ankles and calves and the backs of my knees, with the little switch. It stung and brought the blood a few times, but I kept working, and other than that she was kind with me. Really she cut me a lot of slack considering what I asked her to do.
I apprecate the time she took and the lessons she taught me. She explained a lot of things, and spent hours talking to me, which was a huge plus though I do not remember all she told me. She was speaking to my soul, not to my conscious self, and these things she did, she did to my child form. At times when we were talking though, I think I was an adult... It was strange how I went back and forth age sliding.
After all that I do not feel helpless and fearful. I have a much more positive outlook and I know that Baba will make things right for me, or else the change in my nature will make things possible for me to make right. I don't know how exactly, but it is the way it was supposed to be. I feel all three age forms active in me now, and I have never sensed my crone form before. I sense myself as a child... not so much a maiden as a child, and also as a mother, and now I have this grandmother like figure in me. I have come about my crone, which many woman are aware of from a young age, but I think the crone is new to me, or at least not experienced for several lifetimes. I read that article about the crone and that is exactly what I feel. Power, not the fluffy spiritual kind, but the deep resonate astral/physical kind. I feel like I can really make a difference, even though in the natural I am just getting a part time job at Belks which is reallly logically speaking not a big deal, but at the same time I sense that I will gain a sort of kinship with the other women there that will be useful. There is something there that I have to learn, and also it will pay at least some money. It may be good that it is ONLY part time, because I think now, or soon I might be able to find other sources of work as well. I feel strong and able to put in large amounts of hours towards other things too.
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Post by Del on Jul 25, 2010 8:14:14 GMT -5
Honored...
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Post by KG on Jul 25, 2010 20:30:35 GMT -5
Thank you so much for the cards Del... they do help. Unfortunately right now I am studying like mad. I have a chance at that Job I really wanted. Visitor Services Co-oridnator for my county. I really really want this job badly, and I'm trying really hard to prepare for the tests they will put me through.
I was totally STUNNED when Sarah brought the letter in yesterday. As I read it, it was like my soul split in half. I had a double OBE. Half of me floated to the ceiling, and the other half passed out on the floor. I didn't know if I was coming or going for a minute there. It's been over a month since I applied, and I figured they were not going to even call me for an interview.
I have my second interview with Belks tomorrow, and I figure I have that job. I was really not counting on this one still considering me. I figured they probably hired somebody else already, but apparently not. They want me to arrange a time to take their test... so I'm up for both... kind of like what happened to Kata.
There is a considerable difference in the pay, an even bigger difference in chance for advancement, and a huge difference in how I feel about the two jobs. Belks is minimum wage, advancement would mean little from a financial POV, but it would be safe and comfortable, and really a warm friendly atmosphere, yet very professional demenor must be maintained. In general though, I wouldn't have anyone on my back, everyone would be nice, and zero chance they'd be dissatisfied with me in any way... though they'd pretend I was only average or so at review time... that's just standard with them... every year they take you into the office and tell you you are basically OK, but need to improve. LOL Overall it was my top choice of the minimum wage jobs... or really of any job other than the ones directly in my career field. It's a sweet job, but...
The other one is my dream job. The one I feel called to do... it's what I am supposed to be doing, and I just hope those people who are interviewing me act accordingly. It doesn't pay as much as the same job in the neighboring county which I applied for last fall, and did not get, and despite the fact the job is co-ordinator, it's only part time... 20-25 hours a week, but I really think if I did my job well enough to make a difference... which is my goal, I could work it into a full time position... and a great one. On the other hand it is a job where I'd have to be on top of my game, and produce under pressure... it would be tough, and I'd have to answer to the board for whatever results... good or bad. It is somewhere I could actually screw up, but it's also a job where I can excel. I have done similar work, but I've always done it on my own as a frelance publisher, and advertising agent. I've never had to do it with someone looking over my shoulder... and that part makes me nervous. I do think though that I could excel at the Job. It would be like the icing on the cake of my career. It's exactly what I've always done, and always worked towards.
Yet I won't lie, I'm nervous because I have so much riding on this, both financially, emotionally, and in the area of self esteme, which has been up and down like a yo-yo, for the past few months after flatlining for years. I mean I think I did have a rather awkward sort of ego death thing long before I met you guys... probably not the way it is supposed to happen, but in the west with self taught idiots like me, well it is never a smooth process. The western mind is not really all that compatable with ego death, and our lifestyle isn't either. For us, sometimes it causes nervous breakdowns and has odd after effects. Overall I have not been happy with my self since I lost whatever I lost... IDK what it was I lost really, but I lost something... felt like maybe 20 or 30 IQ points, plus a serious blow to my ambition, self confidence, and ability to organize... IDK if it was supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing... but overall I did not grow into that state very well, so now I am back with a vengeance. LOL
I'm still kind of bouncing around emotionally though. I feel little rushes of emotion of all kinds of things... panic one minute, and over confidence the next... faith, and utter terror, love and anger... all just passing over me, randomly as I just sit and try to brush up on my Excel skills... IDK... I don't really like Excel, but I think I know enough to get by... plus I've been working on it ever since I got the letter yesterday. I need to look over Outlook as well. I've used it in client offices before and not had any problem, but I do not use it on my own computer... why would I need it? LOL Anyway I need to brush up on these skills, and that's making me nervous. IDK if they have office 2007 or 2003... I'm still using 2003, but we have computers here that use 2007... I'm sure the differences aren't that huge.
Anyway you can tell my mind is all over the place. Sure of my self one minute scared out of my wits the next... I am not used to having this much emotion... much less shifts like this. IDK... I hope this phase passes soon.
Anyway my plan is to go ahead and take the Belks job if it's offered, because if it took this long for them to call me back for an interview, no telling how long it will take them to make up their minds about which of their best applicants they want... they plan to 'narrow' their choices of applicants by Aug. 6... meanwhile, I hope to be working at Belks... and trying to make excuses for whatever meetings I have to have for the Visitors Services job... Anyway I am hoping that in the end I walk away with this Visitor's Services Job, but in the interm, I'll be working at Belks... I am trying to be excited about my Belks Interview tomorrow. I wasn't nervous about the first one, but I was very sincere about my excitment in going back to work. I want the job.... I'd love to be able to do both, and I've kicked around keeping both, since they are both part time, but I really think it would be a bit much... 3 jobs is probably too much right? IDK... I'll try to figure it out. I feel kind of dishonest... and flip floppy. I'd kind of resigned myself to Belks and even felt really good about all of it except the money. I was quite worried about whether minimum wage part time was going to help anything much... but anyhow... I'm really just trying to wrap my mind and heart around all this, and trying to brace myself for the unpredictable... it's weird... I haven't really faced a lot of things that were unpredictable in a long time.
Kim
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Post by KG on Aug 3, 2010 17:40:46 GMT -5
I just got back from my interview with the Dept of Tourism in our area, and I think it went well. I was told that there were 100 aplicants, and I am in the final 10... so I had this huge test of my skills, which took two hours. I was very very excited but I think I did well... I am hoping, praying and just have my fingers crossed that I get this job. I want it so badly you can't imagine. It's something that fits perfectly with my career goals. I am so nervous... but under it all I feel confident. I am excited, and I believe that I will get this job, or at least I hope so. Overall things are going sooo much better with my nerves.
I have to say that Del's Soul Cards really helped. Del if you want me to write a testimonial as to how well this therapy to get your life on track just let me know. They work miracles for those psychological hang ups and also for getting in touch with yourself. I am just amazed how much difference they've made in my life... among other things of course, but these cards were the key. I have faced my fears, and my hopes and dreams They help me visualize my goals and reach for success. I love the cards.
I've done a few more this week and posted them on my facebook page. I find the process very helpful... anyway I really hope I get this job and that will be such a testimony of how good this works.
Kim
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Post by Del on Aug 4, 2010 3:37:28 GMT -5
I just got back from my interview with the Dept of Tourism in our area, and I think it went well. I was told that there were 100 aplicants, and I am in the final 10... so I had this huge test of my skills, which took two hours. I was very very excited but I think I did well... I am hoping, praying and just have my fingers crossed that I get this job. I want it so badly you can't imagine. It's something that fits perfectly with my career goals. I am so nervous... but under it all I feel confident. I am excited, and I believe that I will get this job, or at least I hope so. Overall things are going sooo much better with my nerves. I have to say that Del's Soul Cards really helped. Del if you want me to write a testimonial as to how well this therapy to get your life on track just let me know. They work miracles for those psychological hang ups and also for getting in touch with yourself. I am just amazed how much difference they've made in my life... among other things of course, but these cards were the key. I have faced my fears, and my hopes and dreams They help me visualize my goals and reach for success. I love the cards. I've done a few more this week and posted them on my facebook page. I find the process very helpful... anyway I really hope I get this job and that will be such a testimony of how good this works. Kim Well I hope it all goes well!!!! Surely hope so! It would be so awesome to have your testimonial, Kim. People really need to hear about breakthroughs from their use of Artwork. Oh, I'm SOOO excited for you!!!
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Post by KG on Aug 6, 2010 11:59:18 GMT -5
I am so nervous right now, waiting on the phone call. I'm so scared about whether or not I get this... I have been thinking that whether or not it happens, I need to work for my community and try to help more. I have been so reclusive for the past 15 years, mostly out of necessity, and I need to go out as a self employed person, if I don't get this job, and find a nitch to promote my community. I want to promote it, and help it's economy. At the same time I am concerned with my own economy. I need money. This job would do both, but no matter what happens, I need to be working on it...
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Post by KG on Aug 15, 2010 11:39:40 GMT -5
A lot has happened since I posted. I did not get the tourism job. I found out about that Friday, when I looked the mail. Out of a hundred people, I was easily in the top ten from my resume, but after the interview/test I was not in the top two. I've got to say they were very fair in their way of testing, and I was nervous, and not as quick on the computer as some probably... anyway no hard feelings... but serious disappointment.
Then yesterday, Bear got a call and his contract job is coming together, after waiting for a year, it's all happening. He will be starting work hopefully between October, and December. I think we can hold on that long. Once he gets that our money troubles will be over.
Now though the sanity issue is really esculating... or whatever this is... my abilities have changed again.... and I am not adjusting well to the change. I was completely coming into my body... no longer half OBE all the time. It was so much better, but Wed. I woke up and when I got out of bed I had a serious dizzy spell. Everything seemed to be spinning from left to right, and around me... At least it's spinning clockwise... but it was just like bedspins, from being drunk, but I haven't had any alcohol in quite a while. I kept feeling like I was going to black out... especially in the shower, but I kept going, and went to a bible study meeting with my mother. The dizziness didn't let up till after noon, even though I got up before 8 AM. Anyway the dizziness keeps coming back, and so does the spinning and other visual and sensory annomolies. All my emotions tend to trigger a feeling of physical motion. Someone says something, and I feel like I am on a physical roller coaster, or in a car that's out of control. I've always seen auras... at least part of the time, but now they are overwhelming. I see bright lights around people, and even objects glow. I feel them, not just as emotions, but in a more tangible way. Everything has a presence.
Even though I should feel relief, since I have some assurance that things are going back to normal, in the forseeable future, there is just this weird feeling. Everything feels so astral/physical that I cannot adjust. I am sure it is just my perception, but the physical seems to be becoming 'real.' As in lasting, immortal, even beautiful... but it's overwhelming my senses to the point I can barely function. I feel like I am drunk and on acid... and I haven't been doing anything like that. IDK what is going on. It's hard to adjust to this, and I can't seem to stop it. I've lost my apitite and I'm not even eating much because I feel so dizzy. I'm not starving myself to the point I'd be halucinating though... I mean i eat, just not as much as usual. Mentally I feel confused, and not sure what POV to have. Things are better? I am trying to hold on to that, but overally I am not feeling normal at all, not since Wed. Till yesterday though, stress and worry were kind of holding me together... today I am just weak... drained and starting to feel OBE again... or rather that I am in some fragile egg shell... that is my body.. and lord knows my body is hardly dainty or fragile. My body itself feels as if it can barely contain me... Yet it is. I feel floaty... but in body. I feel as if my mortal form is hard pressed to contain my spirit, but so far it is holding. I sense Gary... also sharing my form, but being OBE as well, trying to hold me together. I don't know what this is, but it's sure different. I know from experience that I will adjust to this change. I always do, as I evolve... but this change is profound. IDK what it is. Maybe I am coming into the crone... but would that do THIS? IDK I know I am older than the rest of you, but have any of you experienced, or read about this before. What is it?
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Post by KG on Oct 17, 2010 17:46:30 GMT -5
I am feeling much better, and trying to understand and accept my Dharma in this life. I really don't know exactly what I am supposed to do, but I am beginning to realize what I am not supposed to do. I am realizing that I do need to be self employed rather than get a job. I don't mind that at all, but I can tell that's the direction things are going in. I suppose I am learning about patience and hard work. I am managing to keep the bills paid, and food on the table, and that's all I can ask for. At any rate I am sure I belong at the flea market selling snacks. That is definitely part of my Dharma, and I cannot just pass it on to my daughters yet.
I am being obedient to whatever light that I have, which is really more than I like to admit. I would like more clarification but the picture is becoming all too clear as it is. My time to shine is not quite yet, and my experiences now are still building to some future event. You would think that being 50 is old enough to start practicing what I have learned, but instead I am still learning and being worn down and broken... and it is my dharma to go through this process to the end.
There are lessons yet to learn, experiences to have, and even more hard work. I think the point is that I need to mature beyond my 50 years and become wise. I need to get stronger, and smarter. I am humbled by my current state but think it's time I did something about it, not by changing what I am doing, but by improving the way I do it.
My experience with Baba Yaga has strengthened me and made me a lot tougher both in mind and body. I am currently working a LOT harder than I have in years, and it is agreeing with me. I need to strengthen myself further so I can work harder still. At 50 I am getting tough again, like I was when I was young. I've been working out a bit, but I need to work out more. I have been working on the house, but it is still messy and I need to work harder on that. I am writing for text broker, on days I don't have to work at the flea market. Overall I am putting in ten and twelve hour days, with a lot more physical activity. I just stay tired, but I am re-learning to push myself past my ordinary limits, even more so than when I was young, and in return I am gaining more strength.
I learned that part of what I have been experiencing is learned helplessness. I need to realize that I am not limited, and that my situation can be improved, with greater effort. It isn't impossible, just hard, and I can do this. I used to say that I was as strong as I needed to be, and could always rise to any challenge, but over the years I had come to doubt that. Now I know that it is true. Baba taught me that, and I am thankful. She showed me that I am not a failure, I just wuss out and give up before I should when things get tedious, and what I need to do is learn to tolerate the mundane tedious tasks, as well as those more exciting challenges that I normally breeze through.
I never understood it before, but it was a deeply ingrained character flaw, not a total inability. I have always excelled at the most challenging and exciting things, but I have always wussed out on the mundane boring stuff. I hate house work, and I hate the day in day out tedium of any sort of repetition. I feel an internal reward when I accomplish something others can't do, but when it's a no brainer, which any sane person could complete in half an hour, I will procrastinate, work slowly and take a dozen breaks... I dread horribly figuring out my sales tax, not because it's hard, but because it's boring, and costs money to boot. I don't feel a reward, so I put it off until i have to pay a late penalty most of the time. I love doing the actual work, I just hate the record keeping. I am for the first time learning to deal with what I consider the most tedious of tasks.
At any rate I have goals again and am working towards them. I am currently managing my top priorities which are in the area of income, book keeping, educating Sarah and physical fitness. I am slowly working towards my other goals as well. It isn't exciting or fun, but sometimes things just have to be done, no matter how much you hate them. I am starting to take care of things I have procrastinated for months or even years. Anyway I am not exactly having fun, but I am accomplishing a lot, and finding a deeper, and more rewarding joy from that, than I have ever known before.
I am also learning that even though I "thought" I had worked hard in the past I was really totally spoiled, and had no idea what I was capable of if I set my mind to it. I realized that I had been picking and choosing what I "wanted" to do, and ignoring some very important things, in favor of wussing out, and allowing myself to be distracted from my goals whenever a dreaded task was necessary. It made me unable to complete things that I had worked hard for, or kept me from excelling, even though the hard part was done, I'd run slack on the easy parts, and half way botch the stuff any idiot could do. I am learning focus, finally, as well as determination.
The collage cards helped me to recognize this problem, and subsequent research showed me how to deal with it. The only way to face something is to face it, and to work to improve it. I still hate some of the things I have to do, but I have come to realize that even though I am always working and usually busy, I would be much more effective if I did not irrationally procrastinate the simple stuff, in favor of diving into more and more projects which I am only willing to do 90 percent of correctly.
Kim
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Post by Del on Oct 21, 2010 0:08:24 GMT -5
Nicely said. Thank you for sharing.
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Post by KG on Nov 6, 2010 22:36:13 GMT -5
Still hanging in there. On Line writing has proven profitable enough, combined with the other things I am doing. Anyway I recommend it to anyone who can't find a job, and can write... it's not great but it beats McDonalds. LOL It isn't very much per hour but there's no overhead so that part is great, and you can work as much as you want.
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