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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 5, 2008 1:23:52 GMT -5
Why is it that everything in this F**king country costs so damned much? Why is it I can't get a gods damned job!? I need to find some kind of work and I can't because I'm fat, ugly, or I smell. I can't because they don't want to deal with me, or they want to get someone they know into the job that I am in all likelihood more qualified for... Maybe I come off as being lazy or too aggressive, or unsure or something but SO F**kING WHAT! I need to work to pay off my F**king school loans. OH! AND ON TOP OF THAT MY DESKTOP DIED! Yeah, I have a laptop, but it's not powerful enough for the kind of work that I'm doing. I can't do a lot of the work that I need to for school on it. I need to get the gods damned thing repaired ASAP or I start failing classes. I can't afford to be kicked out or withdraw from school. If either one of those happen, then I have to start paying off the loan instantly. SO that only leaves getting my F**king computer fixed, or getting a new one. I need to come up with about $4000 to get a new computer that is equal to what I already have. AND THAT'S AFTER A MISERLY 5% DISCOUNT FOR BEING A STUDENT! My parents are on me constantly about getting a job and I've been looking EVERYWHERE that can pay for everything I need. I've got NO free time and I can't think half the time except for how F**king bad off I am because I SUCK. I AM FAT. I AM LAZY and I SHOULD DIE! I want to give up but if I do, then my parents will, at least my mom, will kill herself. My dad would blame me for it and it in right would be my fault. I've been shit on all my life just about and then this happens. My parents can't come up with the money and I have no means of my own to get what I need. I hate life right now. I hate this country and I hate being myself. I must have F**ked up pretty bad my last life to get this one. The only thing that's left for me to do is to kill myself but I can't do that because I'm weak. I'm weak of will and only fierce in voice. I'm too meek to force myself into a better situation. There's no better situation short of me winning the lottery and being able to invest or move to another country that's not so F**ked up. I can't do shit on my own because I'm stupid. I'm retarded or something. I can't figure out anything on my own and I don't retain what I learn in school. I forget it and can't do anything on my own. I can't do anything. I can't even make a coherent sentence hardly now and it's not worth it to me to improve myself because I can't get better because I suck and will ALWAYS suck and never be able to do anything on my own ever. If this is my last words, so be it. Know that none of this is your fault, it's not even my parents fault. It's my own. I wasn't born with the mental facilities to do what I need to do. I was born stupid and I will die stupid.
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Post by stonerwolf on Jul 5, 2008 2:50:22 GMT -5
yeah... this country is going to shit, they're commiting genocide through economics, pushing us toward starvation and/or depressed suicide...
dont let them win dude, become a rouge and steal to eat before you let them beat ya down.
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Post by Ashira Bloodmoon on Jul 5, 2008 3:13:18 GMT -5
I'll try to work my magic... I hope I can. Nothing's been going right for him for the passed three weeks and the passed 11 years of insanity caught up with him all at once. He's been bone tired astrally, even barely eating, though he pushes himself towards what he's dubbed a "bright future" but no one sees it. They just see him spreading a darkness over the land. It's not a warm, happy, womb like darkness either. It's cold, dank... The village is untoched though, which is good. The forest however, isn't as kind as it once was. The Gaian spirit of my world shys away from the woods near the village. I have been beyond it though, and everything is lush and green as it should be. If Lan dosn't keep you informed, I will try to. He needs a light... he needs to learn not to fear himself on the physical, and to be himself, if he ever finds himself. I will help him with that... as best I can. It's... my duty to him... and to Gaia.
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Post by stonerwolf on Jul 5, 2008 6:03:16 GMT -5
best of luck t oyou. and lan too.
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WHY?!?!
Jul 5, 2008 13:28:06 GMT -5
Post by KG on Jul 5, 2008 13:28:06 GMT -5
First off Lan, you are not stupid. None of us are stupid. Not my Lan, not Stoner either... Stoner needs to hear this too, and SB, Mem, Shadow, Sephity, Kata, and all the rest of you listen up. If you were here I'd make you all look me in the eyes, every last one of you, and then try to tell me you are stupid! You know better. None of you are stupid! The world is stupid right now, and exactly backwards from the way it should be, but none of you are stupid. Different than the rest of the world... but not stupid. You are among the best best and brightest of your generation. Perhaps that might not say much, considering the state of the world, but in any time and circumstance you would all be bright. You may be too gifted for your own good Lan, you might be crazy from all the visions and channels, but you ain't stupid. People like us have always had problems. In every society. I mean all humans have problems, but we have a few extra ones. Why? Because we aren't stupid, and we aren't memorizing parrots either. We aren't yes men, and we don't believe things just because other people say them. We have ALL of our senses, and ALL of our facilities. WE aren't BLIND like them. Some of us see, and some of us hear, and others of us FEEL, but we all KNOW, and some entities hate us for that. Those people possessed by those entities, sense it and they hate us... but others, love us. Others will sense what we are and love us for it. Your life experiences may not have provided you with wisdom from previous times, but use your brain. You do have a good one. What does it need? Lan, when your great grand father, and my grandfather were out in the field with a busted tractor, what did they do? They fixed the F**king thing. During the depression they couldn't afford a new tractor any more than you can afford a new computer, but sometimes they could afford a part, or some scrap they found in the barn or on another junked tractor! Lan you are a computer Tech, and as such you can fix your computer for a lot less than $4000. Get on the web and search for bargins on parts! If your parents want you to finish college they will provide the money for parts... but no they probably won't come up with 4 grand. If you try looking at the Dell site you also might be suprised what kind of computer you can get for under two grand though. The thing you have to realize is that life is full of obsticals and always has been. You can't throw up your hands and give up every time you encounter one. I know that people my age can't concieve of how hard it is to get a job now, and your parents probably don't understand. I do, but it is still just an obstical you will have to overcome. It took Bear a full year to find a job in his field, which is your field too. then in less than a year, the company he worked for went bankrupt, and he started his own business corporation as an independent contractor. It was the best move he ever made. Sure we struggled at first, but he was always able to support a family off of it. As for being fat... Bear is a big guy, and honestly looks a lot like you, and fat boys sweat more, so he doesn't always smell like a peach either, but he stays clean, and uses products like deodarent, and calogne, to help mask it anyway. He wears clean clothes, and hopes for the best... but still he goes out and does his best, and it works for him. Why? Because he doesn't give up. He doesn't say "I can't." I don't think I have ever heard him say those words in the entire twenty years we have been married. He never says I can't. He will only rarely say "I don't know," and he never gives up. He keeps trying, and that way he never really fails. Lan I am very proud of you for getting through school. Stoner I am proud of you for all the help you gave me and the mature way you handle yourself, but both of you have to stick in there and TRY even harder when things get tough. It isn't enough to just try and then quit if it gets hard. You have to keep trying no matter how hard it gets. Our ancestors did, and it has never been easy. Let's face it, life has never been simple, no matter what anyone says. It hasn't ever been easy for anyone in the history of mankind. Whether they were trying to bring down a Mamoth, evade over zealous religious fanatics ready to burn them at the stake, trying to support a family on agriculture during a drought, or survive the Nazi persecution, or whatever purge or plague was on at the time, they kept trying. That is why we are hear, because our forefathers and foremothers didn't give up and run away crying, ready to shoot themselves over some setback... cause I guarantee they all had setbacks. Every living person on this earth had setbacks, and they overcame them, or survived them in one way or another. You can too. You are very bright. You have problems, everyone does, but unlike your uncreative peers you can overcome them, because you do have talents and abilities, to see beyond the obvious answers. YOu can come up with a creative solution if you stop panic thoughts, and really try. Stop critizising yourself. If you really worry about being fat, then loose weight, but the main thing is love yourself Lan, because you are loveable. It is a shame you can't give skinny little Stoner about fifty pounds of that. He'd burn it off in no time. LOL Anyway, a lot of us are fat, myself included. I have decided to work on it, but I know it isn't going to happen overnight. The first step is to feel good about yourself and stop hating yourself so much. You are a cool guy, and people should see past your weight. In any case you have to stop recriminating yourself and work on solutions, instead of wallowing in the problem. We are all here to help and perhaps some of our other computer techs on this site could offer advice on fixing your computer. I am sure we can come up with a solution together, like old farmers gathered around a busted tractor. We know it has to be fixed, so we will figure out a way to fix it. You know that all the parts in their aren't fried. The ram, the motherboard, the hard drive? The video card? IT has to be just one or two of those things and the rest is still good. You have three years of college in this field, and you know others with similar backgrounds, both on line, and in school. Surely you can find someone to help you fix this? What is it doing, or not doing, by the way? Will it boot up, will it go through diagnostics? Does it have a virus? Work on in Lan. You can do this. Kim
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WHY?!?!
Jul 5, 2008 17:48:43 GMT -5
Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 5, 2008 17:48:43 GMT -5
The RAM I have a feeling was quite bad. I ran a few diagnostics on my own and figured that out. The CPU fan dosn't spin so I think it's shot and therfore the CUP itself... I took it in to somewhere that'll warenty a new CPU and RAM. I know enough to figure out what's wrong, but fixing it, I've got less cash than a cat's hairball... My parents are pissed at me because I chose to BUILD a computer rather than buy one, but until I get a job, I think now, that I should have bought off the shelf... My laptop works, and that's something. At least enough to get me through three or four weeks without the desktop. I'll put in extra time at school running spred sheets and crap.
Right now, I just need a job...anything to pay back the $76,000 for my education (WHY THE HELL DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO EXPENCIVE!?!?) and the near 8,000 I owe my parents for failed computer builds, internet and practically my life (not litteral life, that's a debt I'd never be able to repay). The whole thing is though, that I'm lazy and stupid, fat and worse... I know it...
I need some kind of REALLY long break along with a job... but that's never going to happen in this day and age. No one can up and disapper for years and expect to come home with clear understanding and the possibility of still having a place to live and a way to get a job. I wish things were more like the middle ages where words meant nothing without action to back it up and a self made man was common. Now it's all "What pieces of paper do you have?" Bah... I'm depressing myself and rambling. I'ma just post this now and let it be.
<edited for language>
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WHY?!?!
Jul 5, 2008 19:05:27 GMT -5
Post by stonerwolf on Jul 5, 2008 19:05:27 GMT -5
ok... lazy, i'll give you that one, but i only have authority to call you out on it, on account of being lazier. i know what lazy is. and i also know that it is easy to beat. BUT, like me, you are ADDICTED to technology, like kim, addicted to the internet. it's just like that F**king south park episode, over logging: www.surfthechannel.com/info/television/South_Park/69895/S12E6.html?aid=76038maybe it's time for us all to take a lesson in simplicity in life, in detachment of our worldly possessions, and just pack up and leave. i always go to the extreme most conclusions, but why the F**k not? we're in the extreme most world these days. it's all or nothing these days, and right now, nothing seems so much more fulfilling and worthwhile than internet, games, careers, movies, and college. all those things come with unwanted obligations it seems, all those things come with a price that not all of us are ready to pay. PERHAPS... we just need to go back to basics. why is everyone so afraid of BASIC living? would you rather the stress of daily "modern" life kill you and/or cause depression and suicidal thoughts???
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Post by KG on Jul 6, 2008 2:19:27 GMT -5
Hi Lan,
I just finished rubbing Bear's back, and giving him a foot massage, to get you some answers. Nice trade really, considering I have to do that every night any way. LOL The good news it that if the CPU fan doesn't work, the CPU has built in temp. sensors that, stop the CPU from working and shut down at a certain temp. to keep from frying itself. IT is a built in fail safe that works at least 99 percent of the time. Replace the fan and see if it doesn't work. The fan should be a cheep fix. You can order one on line for next to nothing, or buy one anywhere that sells computer hardware, for very little more. Just make sure you buy the right one to fit. He says the CPU SHOULD be OK, and just automatically shuting down when it gets too hot, which would be pretty quick. I've seen Bear switch out a lot of fans, and have helped in the task before. IT is relatively simple. It is probably just the fan, not the CPU that is burnt. The CPU should be just fine. He says don't mess with it anymore till you get a fan. If that doesn't work, check the power supply and mother board. If those work the whole thing should be OK if you just replace the fan. Those fans go out sometimes and it isn't your fault. It just happens sometimes.
In any case this isn't the end of the world. He also suggested that if that doesn't work, and worst case senerio you do have to replace the machine, you can get an adaquate refurbished Dell computer on line for under 400 dollars. It will not likely do all your games, but it should be more than sufficient to do spread sheets, and your school work. Bear recomends Dell very highly, because of the price. Most of his business clients use Dell. Refurbished computers are usually very good. Every tower I've ever had except the first one was a refurb, and they are reliable. I am using an IBM referb right now. It doesn't play games, but it does handle my high end graphics programs. LOL I don't honestly know how it would do on games, but probably not well with the latest ones.
Overall I am sure it is fixable, and the time not the parts would be the issue if he was fixing this for a client, but since you can work on it yourself, you won't have to pay a technician.
I know it is hard to find a job, but you are going to have to have a little faith, not just in god, the universe and all that, but also in yourself. Bear says he's 90 percent sure, you didnt' screw up your computer, the fan just went out. If so then all your self recrimination is very unfair to you. The fan could go out no matter who built the machine. Those things just go out, and that is why the CPU has that failsafe. CPU fans go out.
David,
Life has never been any easier, it is just that people's mind set now days, and the way the media portrays life makes people think it is supposed to be easier. When my kids were little I read a book that said TV sitcoms were ruining our children, cause it gave them the idea that all problems could be solved in 30 minutes. I'll settle that myth right now, they can't be, but if you keep trying eventually you either solve the problem or learn to live with it, and keep on surviving.
You are right David, we are all quite lazy, and it has nothing to do with WHAT we spend our spare time on. College and career, however are very important, and not to be listed with video games, movies, and TV like it is of equal importance. Video games movies and TV are recreation. People need some recreation. In my day it was either sports from football to bowling, or reading a book or magazine, or doing something "constructive," like fixing up an old car, or sewing, or crafts, or watching TV. WE didn't have video games, we didn't have internet, but people were still lazy or not.
I suppose that video games could be considered more of a waste of time than any of those, other than TV because it isn't constructive, nor does it provide exercise, or that much in the way of educational value. At the same time though, it does build some sort of eye hand co-ordination which will no doubt be useful somehow in the future, and some games are educational. Anyway it is a stress reliever for some reason.
I wonder though. The games themselves seem stressful, in that they have problem solving, and you guys spend hours, looking for clues to find the hidden piece of the triforce or whatever the heck. You seem to very calmly accept that it will take days, weeks or months to complete the game. In the game you are shot at, killed many times, have to figure out complex problems, and encounter all sorts of obsticals and problems, yet you are suprised to find obsticals in real life.
I puzzled on that for a while, and I realized through looking at my own life and times I have hidden from reality through something that would seem equally stressful, just not as emotionally draining for some reason, that it is all about responsiblity... and guilt... and that sense of failure people are always eager to pile on others. While we are doing our "useless recreation," whether creative, productive, educational, or just a waste of time, it is recreation only because it has nothing to do with the matter at hand that we are escaping from, or if it does, it is somehow a step away from it, so that we can look at it from another angle. Recreation is a lot like dreaming in that way. We problem solve by stepping back, relaxing, and using symbolism to re-create our problem in a less threatening, and less realistic way. Just as our subconscious chooses symbols for our life issues when we dream, our conscious mind chooses materials that may in some way solve our issues without confronting them directly. For example a girl not happy with her appearance, thumbs through a 17 magazine looking at pictures of perfect models. She is wondering how can I look like that. She notices hair styles, makeup, clothing, posture, and facial expressions. A young guy wants to buy a car, so he scans the internet looking at cars. He doesn't have the money for a car yet, but he is looking for a reason to save his money. He is looking for inspiration. A couple takes a second honeymoon away from the kids. Without the pressures of work, family, friends, and day to day living, getting along in this strange place is much easier, and they rekindle there relationship by simplifying it for a little while.
I remember when I wrote my novel. I couldnt' stop. I was like a person possessed. I had no control over it. I did a lot of it by automatic typing, as I channeled Gary. I wanted to explore my psyche. I wanted to understand the phenomonon, and quite honestly that phenomon would no longer be denied. I did it to understand myself. But I did it in such a way that I was looking at a character in a book, not me specifically, in this life situation. Overall I escaped my life situation and put myself in a position of success, and frankly the main Character is not me, in the sense of the person who lives in my house, with my kids, and relates to my own mother. No she was tougher, and smarter, and she won her battles... while I still struggle with mine.
In general true recreation lets us take a step back and problem solve from a distance. It helps us see the situation another way, as it could be, or as it should be. It helps us be objective. Our problems are always in the back of our minds, but we search for a solution with our recreation.
Sometimes recreation doesn't work though. I remember on my second computer, I installed virtual home. IT was great, cause I could recreate my entire house exactly as I wanted it to be. I had a total virtual reality version of my house. I could move the furniture, redecorate, install new kitchen cabinets, and of course leave out the clutter. I did this over and over, till I had many, many different versions of my own home. I had versions with room additions on the sides and back. I had versions with closets in different places. The funny thing is though, I thought it would help me visualize a solution to my problem, and then I could just fix it the way I wanted. IN fact though, nothing could be fruther from the truth. No matter how many times I designed my house, it didn't change one bit in reality. For that I needed money, time and a lot of skills and equipment i didn't have. It turned out to be an utter waste of time. It was strange because in the past, when I drew up blue prints, I actually built the things I made prints of, and it usually came out at least somewhat like what I had invisioned, but this never happened with the virtual home plans, nor has it happened with anything else I drew up on the computer. I still like working with plans, but since that one huge failure, I dont' enjoy doing my house anymore. It is too close to home, litterally.
People deserve spare time to do what they want to do, but they also have to work. IT is a balance, and always has been. How people spend their time is always a subject for debate, but no one should have to work 24/7, and likewise no one should have 24/7 worth of recreation time. People need rest, or they will kick over and die. People need to work or they will vegitate. Stress level is directly related to the need for recreation and escape. When we are stressed we turn to some form of recreation, which can be anything from daydreaming, to rebuilding a car engine. Some things seem like work, but they are really recreation. Some things seem like recreation, but they are really work. It really depends on how you look at it, and what you are trying to avoid. Many people enjoy working their jobs, more than they enjoy being at home, especially at times. In times of grief, marital problems, or bratty kids, the job can actually serve as recreation from home life. I can remember times when my freelance art work was recreation. I was putting in 60 hours a week, and lovin every minute of it. I also liked my home life though, and really they were one in the same. I worked mostly at home, and took my daughter out of business appointments. I had it made back then. Honestly I like working, and always did. It is much harder for me not to work.
I remember when I thought being a housewife would be easy. Just squeeze out a couple of kids, and lay around by the pool for the next 18 years. Nothing could be fruther from the truth, for one thing we don't have a pool. LOL But unless you have a live in maid, who babysits constantly, answers the phone, and does all your financial planning, shopping, cooking, and deals with your hubby when he comes home in a bad mood, it is MUCH easier to be single and have a job. LOL
Why? Responsibility, guilt, and being constantly pulled in two like a wishbone. As a wife/mother/daughter I constantly feel guilty no matter what I do, cause I can't do everything at once. Everyone thinks I should be doing something other than what I am doing at the time. I know once I decided the siding on the front porch needed washing. The dogs had gotten it muddy and there were spider webs all over the place. It showed, even from the road, so I figured the best thing to do was clean it. I moved a few things that were stored there, elsewhere. I got out some cleaner, and scrubbed the entire porch, walls, columns, windows, doors, floor. It was all perfect, and I was proud. My husband came home and said, "why did you do that? The inside is what needs cleaning." My mom however thought it was a great idea.
Overall I have spent the last dozen years, listening to everyone else about what I should do, and feeling guilty cause no matter what I did some people weren't happy. Their displeasure with me, just paralized me and I couldnt' do what I wanted, cause I wasn't keeping up with what everyone else wanted, and had no way to really do so. There are a lot of things I am really good at, and some of them are actually profitable, but instead I was stuck here in the house, and I suck at housework. Everything in my house screamed I was a failure, where as in my carreer field I had a good reputation, and an impressive portfolio. I had done work for Wrangler jeans, my home city, and my advertisng work had been displayed in bowling alleys all over the east coast. I had been staff artist for many huge fund raising campaigns, in my home state. I wasn't rich, but I was thought of as one of the most successful artists in my area. I published a local things to do magazine, which was very popular. I gave it all up when my second child came along. Then I got very very sick in some strange way I don't understand, but I had to keep going. Everything was falling apart at the seams, and a lot of really bad shit happened, most of which was beyond my control, but I had to deal with it, and take responsibility for it anyway. For the last 12 years I have been just muddling through. My mind felt like mush, and I couldn't pour pee out of a boot right. I've tried different things to get back on the horse, but everytime I think I've got a handle on it, things fall apart again. I've had a LOT of responsibility and depressing crap going on, and I am starting to realize that some emotion related to responibility triggers a problem in some people.
It is funny but I noticed this when I was 18, but couldn't see it in myself. I know some of my friends got married at 18, and they and their husbands got RESPONSIBLE... which translated as miserable. They were not really being responsible. They weren't accomplishing anything much, but they were worried about it, and for some reason they called that being responsible. In fact one can do one's responsiblities much more efficiently without that emotion. Why, because that emotion is full of guilt, fear and dread.
When you have this emotion, it feels like being punched in the solar plexis, everytime you think of something you should do. It gives you that can't breath feeling, and you suddenly want to just run away, but you can't cause there is no where to run, that is any different. I have it over little stuff, like bill paying, or anything that costs money. I had to juggle the bills for years, and now I just put them off. I have it when I think of the messy house, or anything else that makes me feel like I am not keeping up. If I had to classify it, the word would be guilt... and maybe a sense of failure.
Now I am starting to cut myself a little slack when it comes to guilt. I did my best. I did the best I could do at the time, and that time is over. Anyone who wants to argue that point can go to hell, because I don't have time to argue with them anymore. Today is a new day, and I am trying even harder, and for better or worse it is a new game. The scores from the old game have been tossed out, at least in my mind.
Now I think that many of you who are looking for jobs have that same feeling. You have tried over and over to get a job. You haven't found one yet, and that makes you feel like a failure, even though half the country has the same problem. The economy sucks and that isn't your fault. The fact is things will probably get better after the election, but aside from that, you didn't cause this economic slump, and you aren't alone in being out of work. Still though you have to find a solution to the part of the problem that impacts you personally. You have to get a job. In order to do that you have to be confident, and feel good enough about yourself to make a prospective employer feel good about hiring you.
There is the problem, exactly. Even though it isn't your fault, you feel like a failure. Even though you tried, perhaps you could try harder, or with a better method. You and Lan are both bright, capable, and creative. Yet this feeling of not being successful in this endevor in the past has you stuck. It robs you of mental resources, and makes you not even want to think about how to fix the problem. It makes you miserable to think about it, because you don't really predict a successful out come. I've felt that way on several issues in my own life for years. I am still struggling with a few of those issues now, but I am much more hopeful, not just because a few obsticals have been removed from my path, but because I am no longer dreading as much.
Anyway I think the only difference between work and play is in the mind, and individual tastes of people. One person's work is another person's idea of recreation. It isn't the job, it is how we feel about it. Recreation is really work that we look forward to instead of dread. Any work we do without dread, is really fun. The main differences between recreation, and work we dread are as follows.
1. Closely Associating what you are doing with something that makes you feel like a failure, makes it dreadful work, even if it should be fun. Self accusation and the accusations of others play like a recording in our heads as we do the things. We feel like we are being punched in the chest and gut over and over as we work. We can't breathe, so naturally we can't enjoy the activity.
2. Nobody told us to do our recreation, and in fact they are mad at us for doing it. Though we hate those nagging voices, we do get a bit of wicked glee from totally defying them. It is only when we try to please and don't that we feel sad.
3. To be truely Dreadful, work must remind us of many areas of failure, and many voices of disapproval. These things make us feel very inadaquate. These areas, or instances of failure key off each other, and attack our psyches like stuff falling out of an over stuffed closet. Why cause we don't voluntarily pull this stuff out and look at it. Instead we keep cramming these un examined instances of failure into the closet, and refusing to acknowledge them, or even see if they are really failures. They are accusations which may or may not have validity, but in ether case they don't merit all that dread.
4. In dreadful work, we don't hope to accomplish the task at all, but we must go through the motions.
5. When we do Dreadful work, we know deep down that even if we do manage to accomplish the task the results will not be what we truely want. For example cleaning the house, when you don't have the money to replace the rugs and paint, or do basic home improvements, so that you only clear the way for others to view the freyed upholstry, and the stains that won't come out. Or the Job you apply for, but don't really want... it is better than nothing, but just barely.
6. Dreadful work goes unappreciated. It is what you should have been doing all along, but haven't and people have been blaming you for it for years. You have honestly tried, and come up feeling like you were trying to clear the beach of sand, with a child's shovel and bucket.
7. Non dreadful work, gives you a feeling of accomplishment, and of bettering yourself, or seeming grand, even if that feeling is based in imagination.
8. Non dreadful work, entrances you, and makes you feel distracted from things that worry you.
9. Non dreadful work makes you feel good, and you enjoy it for the sake of doing it, not for the result... though results don't hurt.
10. Non Dreadful work is something that will get you praised, by others, and appreciated as outstanding. It gets us positive attention, not just the absense of negative attention.
11. Non Dreadful work gets us something we want or need personally. It is for us! Not just others.
12. Non dreadful work is the exact same thing as dreadful work, except we don't dread it.
13. Non dreadful work is something we have done successfully more than once in the past. Dreadful work is something we have tried and failed at more than once in the past.
The fact is that we can't always change what we have to do, but we can change how we feel about it. We can work on our attitudes, and disarm our closet of guilt, fear and dread, by taking out each thing and looking at it. We can forgive ourselves for our past mistakes, and realize that they are in the past, and do not prove we are inadaquate or incompetent. Only when we do that are we free to change. As long as we hold grudges against our selves, how can we expect others to forgive us... others don't usually even know what is wrong, they just see we hate our jobs, and think we are lazy.
So really Stoner, we aren't lazy. We just hate that feeling of dread, and so does everyone else, it is just that different people dread different things. I hope this helps. It helped me to write it.
Kim
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Jul 6, 2008 22:45:02 GMT -5
Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 6, 2008 22:45:02 GMT -5
My parents told me to take it to someone to have it fixed and warrentied. I'm inclined to agree and then later, once I have work, I can build something on my own money, or *lowers my voice* get a Mac... Heh My parents thing that Apple Computers is a British company, even though Steve Jobs (an American) and Bill Gates (also an American) started it... but meh. Honestly though, I'm not going to buy a non-Mac until Windows 7 comes out. Vista dosn't appeal to me after sing it for a year on my laptop.
And semi-good news on my job search. I might be a cab driver in a few months, after I get my CDL (Chauffeur Driver's Licence) if I can come up with the $700 for the test... I hate this state... Meh
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Jul 6, 2008 23:17:25 GMT -5
Post by KG on Jul 6, 2008 23:17:25 GMT -5
That sounds cool... to get it fixed I mean. Mac is a totally different head as far as I'm concerned. I could never get used to those things. They used to be the only way to process Adobe, Corell and other professional graphic's software though. Since Adobe and Corell started making software for IBM compatables, I really don't see the point of apple. Plus when i finally got a copy of Corell Draw I decided it was crap. LOL I spent all those years coveting other people's Mac's just because of Corell Draw, and now that I have it I don't even use it. OF course if you have to work with computers, you need to be very familiar with both systems, though apple isn't as common as it used to be in the work place.
Anyway I am glad you are in a better mood, and driving a cab could be very interesting... also it could lead to something like Limo driver. I have a friend who bought a luxury van, and made pretty good money renting it out, with himself as a driver, for proms, and trips to and from the airport. I don't really think it was a huge investment either. He got a good deal on the vehicle, and quickly made his money back. Anyway used creatively that licence could make you a nice profit. For Example, you can buy old limos cheep cause everyone wants a new one, but some of those ventage ones look really classy. You'd have to trick it out with new upholstry probably, and maybe give it a new paint job, but it wouldn't cost that much.
Kim
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Jul 7, 2008 13:01:10 GMT -5
Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 7, 2008 13:01:10 GMT -5
From my experiance, Mac is another flavor of Linux and I like Linux heh. It's also cheaper to get a Mac as powerful a my desktop that I build, than it is to get anything with Windows on it. 8000 dollars for a Dell to do what my 4000 dollar home build did and a Mac running Windows as a secondary boot costs closer to 2000, maybe a little over. Plus, everything I want to play and do is being released on both platforms and console games *grumbles about consoles* Meh! to them all! hehe (Ash: I like how the Mac PC's look. They's pretty and the way things appear on the screen is pretty too! *whins at Lan to get me one astrally*) heh I AM getting a Mac laptop as soon as my vista one dies. Macs are well rated for mobile computing. ANYWAY! I need to get a job by September heh there's a HUGE number of games coming out that I REALLY want in the next few years and September starts that ball rolling but more importantly, I need to start paying down the intrest on my student loans. I went to the cab company to see what it all called for and I found out my uncle (who I rarely see) works for the one I applied for. I figure that if I get this job, because of how flexible the hours are, literallyI could drive around town 24 hours and no one would stop me, or I could do an hour here or there and no one'd stop me, I'd be able to make my own hours and get school work done. If I don't get hat I'll look elsewhere, but I NEED something by september That's the time table I set up for myself.
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Jul 8, 2008 22:00:13 GMT -5
Post by Ashira Bloodmoon on Jul 8, 2008 22:00:13 GMT -5
Lan's angry again, with his parents. It's kinda cute this time. I understand where he's coming from and most men are like this. He wanted to fix his computer himself because he could have had it fixed by now, so he's wanting to go and get it off the bench at the computer repair place so he can do it himself, but his parents, particularly his mother says that it'd be best for him not to fix it himself because if things don't work after he fixes it, it's not under warranty other than the 90 day return policy Newegg has. hehe I think though, if he gets the job he wants, he'll build another computer right away. He's been looking at parts a bit more closely now. He's got a system in mind that he wants to build. This isn't the main reason that I'm posting on this thread.
I am mainly posting here to say a few words of encouragement to those who've ever felt as Lan does with his situation. No matter how bad things may seem now, they're always temporary unless YOU yourself make them permanent. Lan has an issue of feeling inadequate until something goes explicitly his way, which of late, has been very rare. He can change it and anyone in this situation can, very easily. The first thing would be the simplest, yet it's also the hardest to achieve. You need to relearn to be ambitious, however you should keep a balance between reasonable ambition and over reaching yourself. That seems to be the biggest problem people have. They think they can just jump STRAIGHT into the deep end of the pool when they've yet to learn to float, so to speak. You need to build a foundation for any project or the entire thing would fall under it's own weight. Laziness, to cure it sounds easy. Just get off the couch and do something! Let us look at that a little closer. To get off the couch would require a motivation of some sort. You already have that, to become less lazy. Laziness is a habit, that is the second thing that you need to look at. It's a cycle like any other habit anyone has. Thankfully, it's a little easier than most to fix. Make a small step is the third thing you'd need to do. That small step could be, instead of asking someone to get you a soda, beer, food, whatever, while you're sitting there, get up and get it yourself. Start doing that routinely and then look around your surroundings. If they're messy, while you're on one of your food runs, throw something away, pick up a pillow and put it where it belongs. Keep doing that for a while, then make it a point to not get up just for food or drink. Start actively getting up to clean. It'd build up to the point where you'd probably WANT to do something other than sit around if you continue taking small steps. Do not start out thinking that you'd just one day get up and never want to sit around and do nothing again. EVERYTHING, everything, everything, everything must start small before it grows into something big. People now days on the physical think they can get something instantly without work. Some people know it takes work to get things but they chose to try to get someone else to do the work for them and still yet others think that nothing can't be theirs if they just but throw money at it. Physical beings of sentience seem to all be idealists without a goal and humans are that and also lacking a common binding item. This makes any human a volatile beast when confronted with their inadequates. Lan and several others it would seem are faced with them every day. They're easy to fix if you put in the work and remember to take SMALL steps and build the foundation. You might find that you need to rip apart the old foundation and start anew. DO IT! Don't just complain that nothing is going your way. It won't until you fix yourself. Before I get inflammatory and insulting, I am going to cut this off. If I offend anyone, it is not intentional.
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Jul 9, 2008 11:08:06 GMT -5
Post by KG on Jul 9, 2008 11:08:06 GMT -5
Thanks for this Ash. As usual you are very wise. This is great and I don't know if I can improve on it, but I would like to say a few things, because your letter, and recent events got me to thinking about these situations. Lan's desire to fix his own machine was a desire to break childhood patterns, and as such it was a good impulse. At the same time it isn't the last opportunity to do that. He is right though, he should have been allowed to fix it. His mom's refusal showed a lack of confidence in him. Do you think she really didn't believe he could fix it, or was it a manipulative ploy to insure his compliance and dependence. Nothing ever goes exactly anyone's way, even if they are a bully who forces everyone to comply, even if they are a control freak who tries to manipulate every person and situation, or even if they are OCD, and make a huge deal out of getting every little detail correct, not even if they have billions of dollars to buy what they want... NO! no one gets it like they want it all the time. Life happens to all of us, and no matter how hard we try things screw up. People get a lot of unrealistic expectations based on their childhoods, but the world isn't like home. Homes vary a lot, and everyone grows up in a unique totally individual circumstance which molds and shapes them. Children sometimes get the idea they can get their way, because they are easily fooled into thinking they are in charge, or on the other extreme they are unable to meet their own needs. Their parents are in control of their immediate invironment, and create whatever illusions work best to foster the behavior they want from their kid. That might sound like a sinister thing, but lets face it. parents either wittingly or unwittingly create the environment their kids grow up in. They are responsible for what goes into the four exterior walls of the house, and largely for what happens to the child outside the house as well. They all try to plan an environment they think is optimal at the time, whether it is or not, or whether they succeed in their intentions or not, it is still their responsiblity during the early years of a child's life. The parents either by deliberate action, unplanned inaction, and various methods in between create a sort of illusion about what the world is like, based on the way things are at home. When a child grows up he has to sort out what habits, ideas, and assumptions are based in his own unique illusional environment, and what things are actually true, beneficial, and good for him. WE ALL got ideas during our childhoods, from our homes that we eventually figured out were not universal. WE get ideas everywhere that aren't universal for that matter. Some are good, some are faulty, and most are just a matter of preference or opinion, but it is important to know that people are not only a product of their environment, they are also at some point responsible for correcting the errors and misconceptions of their environment. The abused child has to stop the abuse. The over indulged child has to sacrifice creature comforts to become independent. The bossy child has to realize he isn't the boss of the world, just that his parent(s) were meek, and let him get his way. Confidence levels have to be adjusted from the illusions of childhood accomplishments, or subservant expectations, or ideas about who controled them, have to be shifted away from the previous experience into something more realistic. For example your mom may appologize when you have a hissy fit, but everyone else is going to laugh, and if you do that at work, your boss will fire you. If you sink into inactive despondency over something, your parents might tolerate it, but an employer will not, and neither will your spouce. I am not saying this to bash your parents. As a parent I had to create an environment also, and I made a lot of mistakes. IT isn't easy to be completely responsible for someone else. It is very off putting when you think about it, that ordinary people are required to be responsible for the molding of another person's psyche and persona, but parents are. Of course we made mistakes. Every parent does. We share our misconceptions, we do whatever is easier when we are in a hurry, and we always neglect to do something or other, because there are just so many hours in a day. Nor is efficiency the key to raising children. Sometimes overly efficient parents raise overly dependent kids, spoiled brats, or "lazy kids" If mom has it all handled, then how is the kid supposed to learn how to do it. I would be very disappointed to learn that any of you expect other people to wait on you! That is just so bogus. You are all big enough to go into the kitchen and get your own food and drink, and have been since way before you started to school. Sure if someone else is going to the kitchen it is OK for them to bring you something back, if they offer, but you should also offer to bring them something if you need to go to the kitchen. Also if you live at home, you should have a list of chores, which you are responsible for. It is only fair since you are living rent free. Your mom doesn't have to wait on you, nor should your siblings. You have no idea how much work it is to wait on people all the time. It interupts the flow of what you are doing. It messes with your self esteam, and theirs. IT makes them feel like a servant, and makes you seem lazy. It is an insult to expect others to do things you should do yourself, even if they say they don't mind. I agree that you might have to take a gradual approach to some things, but overall you should shoot for doing your own laundry, getting your own food and drink, maintaining your own bedroom, however you like it kept... it should be kept to your standards. You should also do several hours of other housework and or yardwork every week. In my day that would just be assumed. I agree that behaviors don't change overnight, and that some days you just don't feel like doing spring cleaning. That is why I said hours per week, not hours per day. During your week you should set aside a couple of hours for housework. Other than that you should at least get your own stuff, even on a bad day, and on a good day, you should clean up a room or two. Depending on the state of things, cleaning varies in difficulty, but you should be able to tell some difference in a room in a couple of hours. Deep cleaning it the first time might take a lot longer. Things like shampooing the rug... well you ought to ask first before you do something that might mess up the floor, but overall you need to help your mother. Also it may seem like a crime to waste the energy, but walking and other excercise builds seed energy. Go for a walk at least three times a week, and do other strenious activity as needed. Yard work is good for that. Rake, mow, trim shrubs, etc. It all needs to be done. Take your vitimines and try to stay healthy. This is a great point Ash. I appreciate this one. I always let things get out of control, and then when I get sick of it I jump in and clean till I am exhausted, and then give up... sometimes I even get things straight for months, or a year, or as straight at my house can get, and then something happens and I loose that momentium. I read somewhere that messies, like me, risk becoming OCD clean freaks on the other extreme when they do get it under control. Now this has never happened to me, so I don't think I have that potential, but I do know that if I have it clean for a while, and something happens to throw me off rhythm for a while, which is bound to happen eventually. I get very despondent, and let it all go to hell for a while. I think your gradual approach might help me more than this all or nothing.. OH God it is cleaning day, but something came up, mentality. Overall I hate cleaning. I've noticed this too Ash, especially the instant gratification idea. I don't know where this comes from other than some fault in society or parenting, but it is nuts. I think the main thing that floors me is the idea that if something doesn't happen immediately, upon the tiniest effort, then we somehow failed. No one ever accomplished anything with less than a MONUMENTAL effort. Success is mostly contingent on effort... A lot of EFFORT. I know I never realized how much was required for huge financial success till I read a book called "THE Lion's Share" It was about Ralph Ketner, who started the chain of Food Lion Grocery Stores. He started with one store, and worked in it from opening till closing, he worked on paperwork way into the night. He neglected his family to the point his wife left him, and his kids resented it terribly. When he decided to expand he sold stocks. He appoached his closest friends and people from his church. He talked all his friends into investing large sums of money and then hid from them as his stock declined in value and he thought he'd never be able to pay them back. He hid out from everyone. HE Didn't answer his phone, or door during that period, and just toughed it out. He thought he had lost everything at one point, but somehow things righted themselves. His stores took off and prospered. His life was extremely difficult, but now he is fabulously wealthy. He sacrificed a lot and his family suffered. IT was litterally ALL he could do. After reading the book, I decided I didn't want to be THAT successful. LOL but in order to accomplish anything in this world you have to work for it. IT has to be a priority. Maybe not your top priority, as it was with Mr. Ketner, but it has to be at least temporarily a major investment of time and energy. IT also has to be an investment of interest. I find that when I don't do things I should it is because I don't find them as interesting as other things. Cleaning the house for example sucks. I also don't find it rewarding, and not doing it is punishing, so it really isn't something I like. On the other hand things I like to do are easy to become obcessed with. It is so easy to become interested in this board, or writing or art. I used to make my living at art, but now I have no time to market that, and am expected to do menial work instead. I hate that, so really I think the resentment builds up towards having to do something I don't want to, and am not good at, when I really want to do something grand, have the ability, but can't because of all the drudge work. A person should have dreams and follow them. I am cheering up now because I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen that in a few years I will be free to persue a career, and I have promised myself that when my last kid goes to college, I will do something important with myself... and that is only six years away. I will do things to pre pare for this in my spare time. I don't know what the difference is Ash but it isn't sightedness or being sentient. Many very ambitious people are sentient, and many sentient people are volitile, and can't take critizism. I know quite a few of them personally. I know more than one in person who are very gifted, but she is exactly what you are describing. I have a touch of that myself, and especially when I was younger. I think it is a matter of having to function, and not just being an idealist without goals or necesssary activities they have to succeed at, that make it like that. Not all sentient people are just involved in the astral, and not the physical. Even on this board we have some very gifted but also successful people. It is a matter of transition, and vision. When we are ineffective in the natural, we go one of two ways, we either fight or we escape. We can either learn to use our abilities, both natural and supernatural to function in this world, or we can go live in the astral while our physical bodies vegitate, or we can get volitile, and struggle with purely physical means to get what we want... we can even go about it the wrong way, by turning to the negative side and try to get our way that way. That is a very bad path. Postitive actions out last negative actions both in this world and the other. Some people scheme and manipulate, practice neg energy psi vamping practices, and lie to get their way, and that always backfires in the end. Exactly Ash, and I know you are right. None of us are perfect, and we make mistakes, but it is time to pick ourselves up, stop whiniing and do something. Kim
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Jul 9, 2008 13:20:54 GMT -5
Post by Kata Samoes on Jul 9, 2008 13:20:54 GMT -5
My apologies for not reading all of this, Lan and Ashe. My experiences do not give me the ability to give you guys good advice currently.
However, Kim summoned me to this thread..?
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Jul 9, 2008 14:31:01 GMT -5
Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 9, 2008 14:31:01 GMT -5
I hve to ask permission to have a chore for ONE DAY... I can't just start cleaning my room even if I wanted to and my room NEEDS it... BADLY... My mom complains about the state of the house based on my room. The rest of the house is spotless. I wish I had a door to close to keep her out but that's not going to happen ever... I've not have a door to my room since I was 10. She liked everything neat and tidy.. which I do too. I like being able to see open spaces where nothing is. Can't get it because I don't have permission to clean my room so it get worse and worse. It's my way of protest. She makes it so I have to ask, so I just don't ask and it gets worse. All that's a bit beside the point though. Meh... maybe it IS the point... I don't know. I need to get ready for skool
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