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Post by ShutterBug on Sept 2, 2008 22:49:43 GMT -5
It's not too old of a house, built in the 70's I think, because our insurance wouldn't insure an older house... The guy who lived here before us was super creepy. He apparently rented it to his son and his son trashed the place and his dad fixed it and we got it. I don't know who was here before him.
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Post by ShutterBug on Sept 4, 2008 19:38:06 GMT -5
I tried the whole screaming thing to release anger. All it did was hurt my throat.
Sigh...
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Post by ShutterBug on Sept 7, 2008 18:59:22 GMT -5
I miss my daddy. I know he's a horrible person, etc... But I miss him so much. I miss my stepmom. I miss my little sisters that used to make me want to jam a hole through the wall. I miss Cheyenne, my chocolate lab. I miss my school... I hate it here so much... I truly do...
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Post by Xavrael on Sept 7, 2008 20:16:29 GMT -5
Change can be a hard thing to deal with sometimes, but in the end, it may very well be worth it.
Change can bring about second chances... second chances to allow you to do something better for yourself. To remove things that were holding you back, physically or emotionally. It sucks to leave things that were familiar and safe (or unsafe but were accustomed to) because they are exactly that... familiar.
Don't let having stared at a faceless thing dissuade you from taking this new chance at life and making it yours. After all. School only lasts so long before you move on to college or what have you.
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Post by KG on Sept 12, 2008 7:09:33 GMT -5
Thank you Xav, I agree with you that we have to make things work where we are. We have to look forward towards life and not bakwards regreting, or mourning. Still...
I understand that you miss your family and friends. I also know that very few people are truely all bad through and through. Most people are sort of half in half, but if someone has something in that neg half that is potentially harmful to us, then we have to either live with it, make them stop, or avoid them. Honestly living with him sounded dangerous. I am not sure you could have made him behave, and so that leaves avoidance.
Also what about your mom and brother? Wouldn't you miss them if you were away from them?
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Post by ShutterBug on Sept 14, 2008 19:22:56 GMT -5
I did miss them, but... I didn't ache for them like this. I didn't cry, every night. It's been four months. I still cry every single day, at LEAST. I miss my home. I found somewhere I felt whole. I have never felt whole, everywhere. I wanna go home... that's all I want... I just wanna wake up there, and for this to be a nightmare.
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Post by ShutterBug on Sept 15, 2008 14:07:56 GMT -5
OK. I'm going to try my best to be more positive from now on. yes, I still love him, yes I still miss them, but I'm sick of feeling so incomplete, so freaking miserable. Last night I made myself break down, worse than it's been in a while. But this time I'm determined! I WILL GET BETTER.
sorry for whining. That stops now.
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Post by KG on Sept 15, 2008 22:56:53 GMT -5
Why?
I think one of the most interesting things I ever heard was a woman talking about the death of her first and second husband. She and her first husband fought all the time, and she hated him. They divorced, and still continued to play dirty tricks on each other. He'd buy her flowers on her birthday and then she'd get the bill for them. He was a rogue and a scoundrel. The second husband was a wonderful man. He did everything for her, and she loved him dearly. She said that she cried when her second husband died. She was very sad, but she could deal with it. She knew he loved her, and that made her feel a lot better. She got over the pain of it fairly quickly. She never got over the death of her first husband though. There was so much guilt, and conflict and upset when she thought of him, that she was just devistated everytime she remembered he was gone. There was years of mutual abuse, and misery tied to their marriage, and a sense of unfinished business, that left her feeling unresolved. She missed fighting with him, more than being in love with the other. Apparently hating a dead guy makes you feel screwed up. I guess it is the same way, to be away from someone who hurt you, so that you can't resolve it. Do you think it is the unresolved conflict that is bothering you more than just missing him?
What is so bad about being with your mom, that you feel this way?
That sounds good. It will get better, and you will get older and have many more choices in life than you do right now.
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Post by ShutterBug on Sept 28, 2008 22:12:14 GMT -5
[[[Warning: Rant. A short one, though.]]]
I've noticed that a name people like to call me is "naive". I might be "naive", but I'm also loving, and I genuinely care about people. When I ask people how their day was, it's not so I can tell them about mine, it's because I honestly want to know.
I might be "sensitive", but it's because I've got a big heart and feel things very strongly.
I keep having my feelings crushed by those I love and care about.
When will it stop...
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Post by KG on Sept 30, 2008 21:59:47 GMT -5
Most people say I am niave too, but honestly I am rarely suprised by people. I am rarely let down by them, although sometimes I do get hurt, it is very rarely anything I didn't anticipate... but sometimes you do have to risk a little, and hope for the best. I generally appear to be very trusting, but the fact is that I really am not... I just give that impression as much as I can. I trust when I can, but I always havce a contingency plan if someone lets me down. There is nothing naive about giving your best effort to people, and expecting the best out of people. I've found that often if you really do expect the best that is exactly what you get. However there is an old expression, "hope for the best, and prepare for the worst..." Most people take this as a passive sort of statement, like "OH Well whatever happens, I am prepared...." but it is really an active effort. It is OK to risk with people, but don't risk anything you really need to keep... secrets, dignity, your own safety etc... unless you are certain you have someone you can trust in that area. The secret is that you can only trust people to be one thing... themselves. The only way to trust someone is to find out who that person is, and trust them to be true to their nature. Only when you can objectively learn what people are capable of can you trust them to stay within their pattern. Any time you ask someone to depart from their normal pattern of behavior, then you have to be prepared for less than spectacular results. Most people are trustworthy to do things that come naturally to them. Like I always said, there are friends you can trust to watch your purse, people who won't gossip about you, friends who will help you do your work, and friends who would jump into fight to protect you, but there aren't a lot of people who will do all four. It is OK to risk a little when people are trying to improve. When your friend the clepto is trying to turn over a new leaf... well don't leave more than 20 dollars in the purse when you let her watch it. The things that we take for granted as responsible behavior, are very hard for some people It is hard for a crack addict to quit. They may not be able to, and that isn't a betrayal of you, that is the fact that they have a habit, that has become part of their nature, and they can't help it, any more than you can help breathing. It isn't fair to be angry with someone for being themselves, no matter how repulsive what they are is to us. At the same time we have to protect ourselves from the harm some people do.... and if we choose not to remove ourselves from people when we know are likely to do us harm, then we ourselves are to blame for not doing so, when we get hurt. When you get old enough to pick your friends, and whom you associate with, and learn to do so wisely. Sometimes you have to say thanks but no thanks to people... or at least avoid them till they forget about you. It isn't because they are bad people, just that they are bad for you. No one is all bad, but sometimes one person is just toxic to another. They might be OK with another sort of person, but not for that person. Even murderers have friends, but obviously they didn't make good friends for their victims. I think family is the most difficult to deal with, because we can't get away from family as easily as friends... but we can get away. When you get married, your spouce and inlaws will be in the same category, so give that some thought when the time comes. Also friends of friends can be a problem. People will use attachment to people we care about to hurt us sometimes. That is the main way that people have gotten to me to hurt me, through family relationship, or friendship to my friends... therefore I am forced to be around them, and can't just walk away easily, even when I see betrayal coming a mile away, it is just unavoidable when someone you love and have a commitment too keeps dragging you into it. In general though if you look at people objectively, see what they are doing, and assume they will continue to do the same, you have a good chance of being correct. It is risky to expect they will not be doing the same thing year after year. That isn't to say that people can't change, just that it is foolish to expect that they will change for you. They will only change if THEY want to, and if they can. Kim
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Post by ShutterBug on Sept 30, 2008 22:22:39 GMT -5
The naive thing has never really been about me trusting people, more about me not knowing that much...
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Post by KG on Oct 2, 2008 12:08:47 GMT -5
Now that is just silly. You know a good bit. You read, and you have life experience. You are a good student. You know about current events, and that is just... You know plenty, and I don't know where these people are coming from. I would never think you were nieve in that sort of way. It sounds like something someone would say if you didn't agree with them. Sometimes people are so egotistical they think that everyone who doesn't agree with them is just stupid. Nieve is just a nice way to say stupid in that context and you certainly aren't. Kim
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Post by ShutterBug on Oct 22, 2008 15:32:40 GMT -5
Oh my goodness. Today, I got the chance to submit my pictures for print in my school's literary and art magazine. The thing is, as soon as I got home to look at pictures to pick one, I lost all confidence in my ability as a photographer. Ugh. Today I cried because I was reading a book where the dad marries this woman who is a total evil stepmom. And the girl loves her dad SO much. It's too long to explain, but in the middle of class I started crying. I hate crying in public.
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Post by KG on Oct 27, 2008 13:20:37 GMT -5
I was looking at the title to your thread earlier. Sometimes it feels like life is too much for me too. I am having a lot of physical problems, and I am at times tempted to just give up and sit on my butt. I've kind of been doing that for a while actually. Just doing what I have to, and feeling rough, but really... you and I both know it isn't really too much. We can handle it and we will, one way or another.
I was thinking of the verse in the bible. "We are more than Conquorors..." and we are. Conquorors just subdue the opposition, in a rough way that brings death and distruction, but the resistance... ah the resistance brings about a new way. It uses heart, not just weapons. It changes the views of the masses away from the established norm, to a path of seeking new solutions. The resistance is based in external hardship, and a great disadvantage in military might, but through determination, and creative use of what advantages they do have, they manage to fight off a greater foe. The resistance starts as a minority, but it persuades until it is a majority. It resists the powers that seek to control, and instead provokes free thought in a world that tries to prevent it. You are such a person Booklover. You have a lot of courage, and you can handle this. It is hard, but you are up to the challenge. Believe in yourself.
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Post by ShutterBug on Dec 9, 2008 16:13:47 GMT -5
Oh my gosh... I was looking at my Gmail account, which can save your search logs (I use it so when I find a good site if I forget it I can find it again). I must've left it logged on that night in March because SOMEONE looked up disturbing stuff on there And I bet it was HIM. Oh my gosh I'm freaking out some people had me doubting that my father really was that bad, that I had been in actual physical danger when I left that house oh my gosh my heart.... it feels... sick. I don't like this feeling =[
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