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Post by lordazurath on Oct 22, 2007 1:32:34 GMT -5
mm, wana know something about me? Well, my father passed away about 6 months ago, and that made numb, ever since then i have had no emotions. The void that my fathers death left me is growing more and more by the day, people i once loved, seem so cruel, and imbicilic now. Yet my mother seems to think its ok to critize me in everything i do, and when i say something about it, thats "how my father was" always "argued" with her. I have an opinion, yet hers is better, so i cannot tell her my opinons. Not to mention the fact that she always has to be right. I could tell her 2+2=4, but no, it must equal 5 because i said it was four. She seems to think everything is someone elses fault, yet she seems to not want to do anything about it. Then she yells at me for something she should have done.
and thats only my mother.. heh yet, the only reason i havent gone insane from this, is because i know someone out there has it worse off than me.
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Post by ~Sephity~ on Oct 22, 2007 6:11:51 GMT -5
Stay strong man. Try not to let it all get to you.
A lot of parents are just like that, y'know? They don't really pay much attention to what us children say all too much.
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Post by lordazurath on Oct 22, 2007 6:40:01 GMT -5
yea i know, and some children dont even have both parents, or ever seen them. So that is what keeps me strong, because i know i could have been like that, and am not.. P.S. nice siggy
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Post by ~Sephity~ on Oct 22, 2007 15:19:27 GMT -5
Yea. I'm glad you look at the bright side aswell! ^-^.
PS: Thanks, I thought it was nifteh too. I'm still getting around to making my own sig.
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Post by KG on Oct 22, 2007 16:22:52 GMT -5
Hi Lordazurath,
I am very sorry to hear about your Father. It is terrible to loose a parent so young. I am 46, and now that my own father is old and sick, I still can't imagine what it will be like to loose him.
Your mother is being unfair, probably because she is lonely, unsure what to do, and unhappy. Grief is a terrible thing, and sometimes people blame their loved ones for dying. It is irrational, and usually subconscious, but people do feel a certain abandonment resentment, when they are left alone, even when a person had no choce. I dont' know if your parents were together when he died, or how they got along, but one older woman said that the death of her ex-husband was even worse than the death of the husband she stayed with and loved. She said that the guilt, and unpleasant memories of fighting made it very intolerable to loose the man she so much loved to fight with.
No matter how we got along with a person in life, those who have touched us deeply enough to produce a child, are always in our hearts. Women often make the mistake of demonizing their husbands... not that they don't sometimes deserve it, but yes it is easier to blame others than face our own inadaquacies. Everyone does it. I've done it with my husband, and he's done it to me before... blaming someone else when we mess up might make us feel better, but it hurts our children, who don't understand our need to shift blame. Overall it is very immature but it is something people do, and it is especially damaging to be compared to a parent in a way that insults both of you at once. Yet many mothers do this. It is not fair at all.
In general be proud of the ways you are like your father, there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like your mom is having trouble holding things together emotionally, and putting on the tough act to make it seem she is OK. She might need to do that for herself right now, whatever works I guess, but don't think for one minute that it is your fault, or anything to do with you, or your dad. Fear and pain are often easiest covered by anger. Anger is more acceptable in our culture, and in nature. We naturally fear being taken down when we feel vernerable, and I am sure she feels very vernerable without your dad to help raise you. Just as the puffer fish blows himself up to look threatening, when it really has few defenses that will save its life, so people puff up and act tough when they are afraid. It's only natural that she would act this way, but it is nothing you are doing.
It is very hard but try to understand that your mother's anger is really just a cover for her own fear, grief and aprehension. She isn't really mad at you or your father. She probably feels lost, and miserable too. She shouldn't speak about him disrespectfully around you, though. Maybe she just can't get hold of herself right now, enough to think of what it does to you. In any case she doesn't mean it the way it is coming out, I am sure. Don't let her taint the memory of your father in your heart though. Remember him as he was, and for the good times you had with him.
I hope you both recover from your loss. Your mother isn't perfect, no one is, and she is making a mistake to treat you the way she is, but everyone makes mistakes. Try to keep on loving her, and keep trying to help, even though it isn't appreciated. She will come around eventually. It's just hard for both of you right now. I hope it gets better. Hang in there. We are all here to listen, and help out where we can.
Welcome to the family,
Kim
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Post by lordazurath on Oct 22, 2007 16:42:13 GMT -5
mm, thank you so kindly for your words.
they were divorced, were for almost 10 years. but she told me she felt guilty sometimes.
yea i know about the blaming other people. everyone does it, but when she insults my father its because ive done something. like if i wanted to go out with some friends, and do chores after i got back, she would make the remark, thats how your father was, always procrastinateing, thats why he never got anywhere in life.
but she has always been like that, and i wouldnt care, besides the fact i know she is trying to hurt me when she does that. she's always trying to hurt me emotionally, shes even confessed it out in the open.
but, i dont really care about that much. i'll only have to put up with it for another 2 years.
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Post by Promethius on Oct 22, 2007 17:20:22 GMT -5
Hello, I am, first and foremost, sorry for your losses. The issue of tyrannical and demeaning parents is vastly unsolved, but you are just going to have to put up with it. No matter how angry your mother may make you in the future, you must always remember to appreciate her, and your father, for all that they have done for you. Sometimes we tend to get caught up in our problems and forget the many sacrifices they have made to make our lives better. I know this piece of advice is not very helpful, but it is truly invaluable. As for right now, since you are under her custody, you must conform to her rules and shift your priorities to activities that may be realistically focused on so that they may aid you in the future, when you are independent (one such example would be the metaphysics ). ~ Promethius (PS – Don’t forget to count your blessings, as well.)
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Post by lordazurath on Oct 22, 2007 20:12:53 GMT -5
yea.. i know the sacrifices they made for me.. and i am truely thankful for that.
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Post by KG on Oct 22, 2007 20:17:52 GMT -5
Being a parent is very difficult. It is like one of those aptitude tests, like SAT, or CAT, or even and IQ test. No one expects to get a perfect score. No one ever does get a perfect score. Parents are human and they make mistakes... some mistakes are worse than others, but according to the outlook of most psychologists, no one gets out of childhood without getting damaged by the words and actions of their parents. It is very unfortunate, considering the fact that it is still the best way to grow up... being raised by parents I mean.
You try to make conversation and be friendly with your kids... pretty soon you are telling them everything, including stuff you probably shouldn't. You express yourself honestly, about your feelings about your spouce, your money situation, and etc. Pretty soon the kids are freaked out by too much information. On the other hand if you withold information pretty soon you have isolated yourself from your kids. The main problem with being a parent is everything you say is amplified.
I remember when I was in early adulthood, I found that everything I did tended to either rebel from, or conform to what I thought my mom would want. I wasn't making decisions based on the facts, I was making decisions based on what about my mom I liked, and what about her irritated me. She haunted my subconscious with her little decrees as if she were right there... Believe me that can be very inconvenient in the back seat of a 69 Camero, with some guy you've always had a crush on.
Moms have different styles. My mom was never successful in being my friend. Sometimes I felt like she was my friend, but then if I told her anything it was always held against me. I she never really told me anything about herself, or her past mistakes if any. In the few stories she always told me she was always some pathetic victim, who managed to remain virtious no matter what. Her idea of the herione of the story is always a pathetic yet snobish mousey type, who doens't ever do anything wrong, and things just worked out OK no matter how passive she was. Nothing really bad ever happened to my mom apparently. But that doesn't stop her from having a mayrter complex. LOL
I decided not to do that, so I told my oldest everything that was going on. She got a blow by blow account of my life, past and present... somewhat age appropriate, but she never had any illusions that I was some perfect patron saint of virtue. I told her how it was for me, and what my life was like now, and how I felt. We've been best friends, but it turns out she'd rather not have heard all of that. A parent can't win, but of course they should try to avoid taking cheap shots at their kids. Saying things about your father is a cheap shot.
Divorced women almost always badmouth their ex-husbands though, at least some. Most married women do it too, they just go back and forth between him being a monster and being great. Then there are the little digs made about men in general. This sort of thing was always done, occasionally, but back in the days where people lived together more, the children could at least see what both parents were actually like, and in the days where communitites and extended families played more of a factor, it was obvious to kids that not all men were alike, and that most people all have their good points and short comings. Now it seems like more and more women are having to raise their kids alone.
I think that overall mothers making negative comments like that, can cause boys to have a low self image of themselves as males. I notice that men are demonized in many TV shows and especially psychological, and sociological material. If there is one thing people in this society need to be reminded of it is that it is OK to be male, and it is OK to be human, and esentially it is the same thing. People aren't that different, whether male or female, but steriotypical male behavior can be charming and very cool sometimes. I for one appreciate the strong silent features of men, as well as the sensitive, compassionate side that is definately also a part of being male. Being caring and nurturing isn't a feminine quality it is something all people have a potential for, including very masculine men. In addition all people are very complex. They have a lot of qualities that can be good and bad depending on the circumstances. Procrastination can be good or bad, because sometimes waiting to do something helps you think about it and do a better job, rather than rushing in and cutting your finger off on a table saw.... or at the very least cutting your lumber the wrong size.
Honestly that is called pushing your buttons. It isn't an effective motivation for you to do anything but get angry or feel hurt. It wouldn't likely stop you from procrastinating... nor is it likely to be intended to do that. In arguements people press each other's buttons. I it is a way of causing and perpetuating an argument. That is all it does. Sometimes when people are stressed out more than they can stand, and hurting more than they can deal with they lash out and try to hurt others. That is a very unfair thing to do to your kid, but kids are around all the time, and so naturally they see parents at their worst as well as their best. All family members are more likely targets for lashing out than strangers aquantences or even friends. Why? Because most people would walk away from friends, for making coments like that. Only a captive audience or someone who loves you a lot is going to take that kind of treatment. Plus as I said you are around her more than others are.
In any case what she is saying is hurtful, and potentially damaging to you. Not because it is so horrible, but because of her importance in your life. You should tell her that it bothers you and that it is unfair, but in a way that leads her to open up and talk about her feelings. Maybe you could even start with her feelings, and the two of you could express your emotions and grief together. I know she feels it and she needs to get it out. She feels guilt and needs to be forgiven. You feel grief and pain of loss, and you need to be comforted, and relieved of your feelings as well. I think you need to find a time when your mom isn't really busy and have a talk with her. It is probable that she doesn't stop to think how much what she is saying is bothering you. She is just lashing out and forgeting it later, the way hurting people do.
Kim
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Oct 25, 2007 0:15:00 GMT -5
Normally I would say to deal with it until you have the means to leave the situation, however in this case, I would try to sit and endure and try to give your mother a better idea of who you are and what you're about. Also, be there for her and listen to her greavances with you and generally be an ear for her should she choose to talk about your hardships. It might be a good idea to talk about it with her, bringing it up yourself if she dosn't want to. Remind her of the good times and reassure her that there will be more good in the future. Force her down if you have to... just let her know you're there for her and that you and she should talk about what has happened and plan for the future.
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Post by lordazurath on Oct 26, 2007 15:13:33 GMT -5
mmk
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Post by lordazurath on Nov 2, 2007 23:23:57 GMT -5
mm.. now shs just trying to make me feel insignificant.. she critisises everything i do.. and i cant do anything without being threatened..
not to mention some of my friends are pissing me off.. i dont even really want to consider them my friends anymore.. they're only talking to me when they need me..
and also.. i kinda see nothing to live for anymore... life will just be wake up, go to work.. come home.. go to sleepp.. repeat..
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Post by ~Sephity~ on Nov 4, 2007 12:54:52 GMT -5
I still love you Azu. Don't let her make you feel insignificant, your not. There's much to live for, you just gotta look for it.
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Post by lordazurath on Nov 4, 2007 18:47:26 GMT -5
yea.. i've looked for it.. and everytime i find it , it leaves
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Post by ~Sephity~ on Nov 4, 2007 19:31:11 GMT -5
I'm sure you'll find it one day, and it'll stay. ^-^
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