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Post by lordazurath on Feb 5, 2008 22:44:33 GMT -5
i'm not listening to anything. just myself. there are no more souls. no more Am. its only me, and my thoughts. ever night, i don't sleep, i sit in deep thought. i travel back through what i've done. honestly, had i seen a point in my life, in ANY life, where i wasn't doing something bad, or where god wasn't damning me, or killing off the people i love, or that i cared about, then maybe i wouldn't be so hard on myself as you would put it. and damnit, i'm afraid of what will happen to the person i love now, and i have every right to be. i've seen what i can do. i've seen the bounds of impossibility be bent. i've seen dark in the darkest form. forget wraiths, i've seen things that make even THEM cower.
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Post by ShutterBug on Feb 5, 2008 23:29:33 GMT -5
Az, everyday you are w/ me, u arent killing someone, not doing something bad (at least, not that kind of bad ^_-), and God isnt damning u. rawr.
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Post by Del on Feb 5, 2008 23:56:59 GMT -5
Reminds me of what my youngest sister said recently: 'God sends people to Hell.' And I told her 'NO. God doesn't send people to Hell...people send themselves.'
God is always there to help, you just have to reach your hand, open your heart and believe. Have faith.
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Post by lordazurath on Feb 5, 2008 23:57:20 GMT -5
that might be true, but i come close to it, don't i?
i HAD faith, i THOUGHT god was benevolent, i thought god showed mercy.... i can only belive something for so long, especially if things are thrown in my face to prove otherwise.
*sigh* i'm sorry, i shouldn't bring this out like this, i'll speak no more.
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Post by Del on Feb 6, 2008 1:44:20 GMT -5
that might be true, but i come close to it, don't i? i HAD faith, i THOUGHT god was benevolent, i thought god showed mercy.... i can only belive something for so long, especially if things are thrown in my face to prove otherwise. *sigh* i'm sorry, i shouldn't bring this out like this, i'll speak no more. Speak, speak, speak! Don't hold those emotions in. Then if god isn't helpful to you turn to the goddess. I am having tons of crap thrown at me and I still have faith. I feel like giving up most of the time but I keep forward...as annoying as it is, I keep forward and know that something good will come my way, eventually. There is always hope Lord Az. Lokk up to the sky and you'll find her there.
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Post by lordazurath on Feb 6, 2008 16:31:51 GMT -5
i don't mean to deny your help. i don't mean to be like this. i guess i just need to be shown otherwise. but, its just, hard, hard to believe what i've done can be forgiven. what I can do isn't bad. especially considering the fact i still haven't been forgiven...
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Post by Wunderkind on Feb 6, 2008 19:26:57 GMT -5
Well start by forgiving yourself. =) You can't please everyone, it's true. But you have complete control over your feelings for yourself.
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Post by lordazurath on Feb 6, 2008 21:12:09 GMT -5
i'll be the last one to forgive me...... i can't not until everything has been settled.
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Post by ShutterBug on Feb 6, 2008 21:57:26 GMT -5
I remembered an unexplainable memory I have. I asked my mom about it, and she said it didn't happen...
It was of this tall blonde lady in dark clothing walking up a spiral staircase in front of me.
And a reoccuring dream...
There was this place I was the ruler of (I think they were faeries... all I kno is they were tiny compared to humans. They may or may not have had wings, and everything there was uber vibrant). We were constantly at war, trying to defend our kingdom from this uber bad dude... (hm... i think it started w/ a D...) I had this guy, who was my advisor... I think he had dark hair.
&. when I was younger, I had a LOT of dreams about acts of violence being done/attempting to be done to me. Most common were rape/murder. I remember three with those themes clear. -This guy was chasing me, to catch and rape me. I ended up on a high building. My choices were jump or get raped. I jumped. -All I remember is a guy standing over my mom and me in her bed, him in a pink bathrobe, knowing hes going 2 rape&kill both of us. he mighta had a sythe. -too long & complex to put up with a psp, but basically I see her kill my twin (but it wasnt; it was a clone) and then come for me. i and the real bobby escape.
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Post by KG on Feb 7, 2008 1:41:34 GMT -5
Booklover
It sounds like you are remembering an astral life, which may be past or might be going on concurrant with this one.
Lord Az,
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. People die around us. It doesn't mean we are bad people being punished. Gary died when I was 13. I've known a lot of people before and since that have died. My first grade BF died before he was 40, so did My Ex-Fiance' whom I didnt end up marrying. Another old BF of mine I was once serious about is also dead recently. My otehr Ex Fiance' is crippled and can hardly walk. Is my kiss the kiss of death? Well I dont' think so.
My first grade BF was diabetic and had been all his life. He wasn't expected to live very long. My Ex Fiance' was a drug addict, and an alcoholic I felt especially bad about that I admit cause I tried to help him, and I knew if he didn't stop mainlining cocaine he would die. I once told him so. I hate being right about that, but it was just science. He did it to himself. My old BF was also a drug addict, and he had a heart attack. He was a good bit older than me anyway. IDK why Tim is crippled, but the rest is fairly clear. I know other people who have died in addition to these that I wasn't involved with that much, and when I speak to others my age they too have lost people they loved. Things just happen to people. All those guys made it to heaven, and at least in some cases I might have had something to do with that.
Death isn't just common it is universal. It happens to everyone sooner or later. In past lives people didn't live as long as now, and their were a lot of plagues, persecutions, and wars so that younger deaths were most common.
As for killing in past lives... people were harsher back then. Their laws and living conditions were very different. I've been an assassin in many of my past lives. I've also been burned alive as a heritic many times. We've all come out with some twisted ideas and emotions from suffering through those times. God doesn't hold it against us, but sometimes we do hold things against ourselves.
You are forgiven, whether you feel like it or not. Accept it on faith. God isn't punishing you, and he doesn't hate you. If you have asked forgiveness then you are forgiven. It is that simple. It doesn't matter if you feel forgiven, you just are. If you don't feel it then it is because of your own psychological situation, not because God is holding out on you, and you need to realize that and work on it from that angle.
Death doesn't seem fair, and if it were truely the end of a person then it really wouldn't be, but between heaven and reincarnation both of which I believe in, then really there is no death. We are all immortal. You have died and yet you are still here. Death is really not dying it is just leaving the body, and gaining a new one. No one really dies in that sense. No one is really killed.
Have you ever read the Bagavad Gita? Read it and I think you will feel better. There is a link to it on this site Under Kim's links.
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Feb 7, 2008 2:10:05 GMT -5
Az, things are never as bad as anyone thinks they are. All things happen for reasons we can't fathom and all things are, in the long term, good. If you lose faith in that, then you've taken yourself out of the Great Wheel's influance and have only damned yourself. God dosn't damn anyone at all. It is themselves who put them in Hell.
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Post by lordazurath on Feb 7, 2008 17:41:03 GMT -5
my Love, nothing will happen to you. not now. not ever. you are under my protection.
as for me. i wish, to go back, to the place of which i came. back to the bleak nonexistence, back to nothingness, back to the forbidden woods... a place where god didn't matter, a place where dark never existed. a place where it was only me, and my thoughts.
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Post by Ko'an Noi on Jul 30, 2008 11:58:36 GMT -5
Erm, mine just kind of "happen". I'll suddenly be hit with a really strong memory, and from their, sometimes I can wrest out the rest of my life. Like my newest memory. I was hanging with my boyfriend, being cuddly and whatnot (don't ask, won't tell :lol:) when I got the most absurd feeling of feeling like a lion. A lioness, to be exact, but a lion nonetheless. It's really hard to explain, but, I ... I don't know. I just "felt" like a lioness. Later that day, I got hit with memories of my life as a lioness.
Which is funny, because people have said I look (and occasionally act) like a lion. I dunno how, but, I do. In low light, if I have eyeliner on, I kinda do, in a very wired way. Maybe cat shaped eyes, or something....
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