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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 20, 2006 0:06:02 GMT -5
All is lost, my sight fades. I am a tree fallen and wish to die. There is nothing left. I wish to have someone I could love and care for.
I am destined to be alone as I was born alone. I will not rise to any occasion, no one cares. I have friends yet they're distant. I had a lover but she's gone.
I have earned nothing in my life. Too much has been handed to me and I need a self-definition. I come home every night to an empty house.
I have no home. I have no life. I drift in a sea of pain and fear. I look around I cannot trust what I hear and see but that's never bothered me before and my parents have removed me from their life.
I sit all day and waste away, praying for release. The highlights of my week are going to school and days I get to sleep. I have no job and I doubt I'll ever find one.
As things are, I'll probably die alone. I've lost my mind and I don't know if I'll find it again. I want to know who I am.
I've told many lies and I apologize for any ill ease I've created. All I see right now as I look outside the window is nothing but how I'm ill fated.
Don't mind me, I'm only three, or that's what some will tell you. I'm a man, or woman in mind... perhaps I need a change. I wish to know just who I am and there's no way to my peace. *********************************** Dispite the fact that it's almost a poem... it does get to how I feel of late. Move if you thing it needs to be, but I think it belongs here more than anywhere else.
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Post by KG on Jul 31, 2006 18:51:20 GMT -5
Lan Mandragoran,
Wow. I have waited for wisdom on how to answer this... and I still feel a bit in awe of your questions, which aren't really questions but statements that lead to an unspoken question.
Life is so cruel. Isolation so common, and so painful. My answers seem hollow in the face of this, but I will try to advise. You are not alone in lonliness. Many people are alone. Why? Because they are waiting for someone else to make the first move, so they isolate themselves and think someone will knock on the door. No one but Jesus knows where your door is, and though he knocks it just sounds like the wind, or some bush tapping on your window pane.
If so many people are lonely, and do not wish to be alone, then why can't they find each other, so they will not be alone anymore? Is it because they are too picky in their associations? Are they lonely because their standards are too high? Are they afraid to reach out at all?
There are many lonely people in the world, People in hospitals, prisons, and nursing homes. There are children in orphanages, and foster homes, whom no one truely loves. These people are trapped within the system, and everyone knows their plight. It is understandable that these people are in this situation, but what of young adults, free of the bonds of some institution. They are free to come and go as they please. They are free to go to school, take a job, to move about with freedom in our society, so how is it that these people also find themselves alone, and unloved?
In order to love you must first love. If you love then you will be loved, if you truely love. It is easy to feign love towards the beautiful people. The girls with the perfect bodies, and the silky hair get plenty of attention, though I am not sure that the attention they get could truely be called Love. People with money get whatever they want... except real love, and you can't buy that. IN any given situation people want something, and even when they don't want anything but company it always seems that way because no one expects to be loved for themselves anymore.
I think that in order to escape the situation you described you have to reach out. You have to reach out with the intention of being concerned for others. You have to find a way to give out of your own need. Love the poor, the homely, and the imprisoned. Love the sick, and the dying and the deprived. Go and find someone to care about, who really needs it. Don't reach out to the 1 girl in town who everybody clambors over. She will not notice, but find someone who needs you, and is just as lonely as you are. Care about them. Put yourself in their place, and see how they feel. Then do something to make them feel better. Do this in daily life. Stop thinking about your own needs and think of what the other person wants in all situations, as you would wish to be treated. Practice this everyday, in your daily life with as many people as you can, and soon you will not be alone. You may not be able to always choose exactly who will be your friend, but you will have freinds, of all kinds.
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Aug 4, 2006 10:21:18 GMT -5
I've always been on the sidelines. I've always tried to help those who need it. I seem to be the step ladder for people to go on to grander things and then I'm left behind. I've done all this to the best of my ability and I get walked on for it. I've never went to the popular people as I find them shallow. I do always try to help those in need though. An ear to those who need and a shoulder to cry on. Latly though, even helping others, which used to bring me peace of mind, has started angering me... I'm getting cold and heartless... and I really don't want to be. I pour my heart into helping people trying to make myself feel better but its not working. It dosn't matter... I'll crack and then won't be around any more...
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Post by ~Sephity~ on Aug 4, 2006 17:09:24 GMT -5
I know what you mean and how you feel *bows head*
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Post by KG on Aug 4, 2006 23:10:15 GMT -5
Wow... You aren't heartless that is for sure. Sometimes it is just discouraging to help others... but only after you have been doing it a long time. You are fruther along on your path than I thought... I know what you mean though. I know I was very jaded for a while... I felt like the only way anything ever changed was for it to get worse. Nice people got mean, and mean people got meaner. Capable people became helpless, and helpless people got even more helpless. I forgot for a while that things can ever get better... but it can. Sometimes not in every case though, and those always hurt.
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Post by ~Sephity~ on Aug 4, 2006 23:14:43 GMT -5
I'm sorry but that last post(kims) was aimed towards Mandragoran right?
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Aug 10, 2006 0:20:38 GMT -5
I hate being as busy as I am of late... I'm kind of going insane... School's taken a doward plunge, I'm STILL unemployed and my mum's going into surgery in the next few days and I'm now allowed to see her. This world is cruel and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. I'm sitting here with a bandage on my arm... not exactly from a cat though it looks it... I'm weak and can't even bring myself the final peace... I'm not even going to try to rationalize myself because in order to do so would mean that I know myself... which I've found out in rather harsh ways this past week, that I don't... at all... What gets attached to my name? I have no clue who Ryan Miller is any more... and I've lost that core that should be within me taht tells me who am I to myself, what I am about and how I myself think. To make that matter worse, I've taken enough phsycology classes to know what this is... though I'm too scared to ask for the help I need and too weak to help myself...*sighs* I should sleep.
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Post by Del on Aug 10, 2006 0:30:53 GMT -5
Don't ever be afraid to ask for anything
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Post by Wunderkind on Aug 10, 2006 1:02:18 GMT -5
Don't ever be afraid to ask for anything Yeah, plus to deal with it, the way you are describing it. It's not healthy mentally, physically, or any other... cally.
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Apr 7, 2007 13:21:28 GMT -5
Alright, I'm here again. The day before Easter... and I have no clue why... I was just cleaning up because I'm expecting guests tomorrow... and I just broke down and started crying. I HATE school. I want to quit but I'm SO close in graduating. I want to go home but I can't... yet I invite my parents here... I don't know what to do and I'm, again, lost in the ocean. I've not written in weeks, I've not had the heart too, so my story's been left dangling without legs... not even my music has been helping me ease my mind. I need to... do something... but I don't know what... plus the problems on the astral... I should put the physical first, I know, but I can't... It's all equal because it involves life. but whatever. I'm exausted, mentally, physically and spiuritually. I need some kind of change, but I don't know how to go about it or even what kind of change I need.
Ash: Always, through summer, he feels lost. The warmer, gentler months make him angry. I wish I could help. I've never been around to be talking through him when he's like this. I've never felt him so upset.
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Post by KG on Apr 8, 2007 0:28:09 GMT -5
I'm sorry Lan. I can relate to all that... I feel that way sometimes, though I get more problems in the winter. Besides you have legitimate reasons to be upset, and the astral is very important. It is your life, as much or more than the physical is. I will help all I can, and I want you to know we are all here for you. I know you will finish school soon, so just hang in there, just a little while longer now.
I hope everything goes OK with your parents, and it was sweet of you to invite them. Just remember you are in your own home now, so don't let them get you down, or brow beat you... I know easier said than done, but you are going to be fine Lan. You are a bright guy, ready to finish up your education. Everything will be OK. I think you should let them know that you are doing OK even if you don't feel like you are right now. Hang in there. It will be fine.
You can finish your story when you are in the mood to write again. It is OK to take breaks from that, when you aren't feeling like it... and having to clean makes me cry too! I hate cleaning.
**Hugs**
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Post by stonerwolf on Apr 8, 2007 13:27:02 GMT -5
Alright, I'm here again. The day before Easter... and I have no clue why... I was just cleaning up because I'm expecting guests tomorrow... and I just broke down and started crying. I HATE school. I want to quit but I'm SO close in graduating. I want to go home but I can't... yet I invite my parents here... I don't know what to do and I'm, again, lost in the ocean. I've not written in weeks, I've not had the heart too, so my story's been left dangling without legs... not even my music has been helping me ease my mind. I need to... do something... but I don't know what... plus the problems on the astral... I should put the physical first, I know, but I can't... It's all equal because it involves life. but whatever. I'm exausted, mentally, physically and spiuritually. I need some kind of change, but I don't know how to go about it or even what kind of change I need. Ash: Always, through summer, he feels lost. The warmer, gentler months make him angry. I wish I could help. I've never been around to be talking through him when he's like this. I've never felt him so upset. it's not much, but maybe it could help take your mind off your worries... there's always my RP/Story... it's just sitting there... heh... like i said, it's not much, but maybe... it might be something...
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Apr 8, 2007 22:59:24 GMT -5
23:00 nearly and I'm relieved that my parents aren't holding anything I said or did against me. They left and there was no fighting or argument. Still depressed, but since it's cold and cloudy outside, I'm a bit happier than I was earlier. I want to write but I have too many ideas now for my story and I don't feel like starting another one. If any of you are interested, I have rcmblack.com for my story. I may have said something about it somewhere else. It's still part of chapter one, but that'll change as soon as I make my outlines and stuff. (Working on all that now, which makes me feel a bit better) Astrally, things are better but I think Ash might be sick so I'm healing her. Other than all that, things are looking up. Boeing is looking at my resume now, so that's one big problem, no job, that's hopefully going to disappear. BUT, yeah... I think I'm gunna lay down or something here in a bit and worry about cleaning up after my guests later, like tomorrow. Best wishes to you all for Easter, or whatever holiday you celebrate. I need to recover from a major sugar buzz and resulting crash so... as Ashira would say, tail high! hehe
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Apr 27, 2007 18:18:15 GMT -5
Who am I? *sighs*
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Post by ~Sephity~ on Apr 27, 2007 18:25:59 GMT -5
You're LAN, the people we love!
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