Post by KG on Oct 10, 2015 1:13:43 GMT -5
Well, here I am, back again and I wasn't sure where to put this... or if anyone will read it, but here goes... Life is hard for me recently and part of me just wants to give up and die. Yet, I know there are battles I can still win and joys yet to come. Overall I am so stressed I can't even hear any kind of guidance. I can't seem to find a direction, or a job, or a project, or a mission... and I feel like a failure for that. I feel a strong sense of calling but I don't know what to do... I need to do something, but what. I need income, but I also need space and strength in order to really do anything right. Of course I do have a war... always there is a spiritual war, attacking me from all sides, physical, mental, spiritual. I wish to spare you all the details and the possible blow by off my various attackers, so I won't go on and on about it. My family is under attack, but I defended effectively the other night, and now have space to breathe.
Emotionally I am drained and just freaked out. I normally only contact you all when I am strong, but I miss you, and I really hate facebook sometimes.. so tactile and PC and there are energies among my so called "friends" that are driving me crazy. I actually blocked someone for the first time... not a friend, just an awful woman on one of the political pages I go on. Overall, politics isn't where my head is at. They tick me off and I start trolling because while normally I might agree with them, I sense manipulation of situations that really are not what they seem. I feel like so many are playing into the hand of media and corporations and just doing what everyone with a brain would expect... reaction. Spreading fear... and while yes, things are bad and we have reason to worry... fear and worry are very counterproductive and are at odds with logical strategy.
I feel this sense of impending doom... and I don't like it one bit... I want to fight... more shadow boxing. I want to stop... I want to make a commitment to be positive, all that positive visualization and stuff, but I can't seem to muster it. Overall I am getting stronger, but I still feel weak from the challenges that presented themselves this summer and over the last half dozen years. I am just tired of it all.
I had a dream or vision the other night that explains where I am. I saw a big black horse in a boxcar, chained by the halter into a corner where all he could see was the wall on both sides of his face. The wall was the color of molten iron... all glowing red orange, but it was just paint, not a real heat... just light reflecting off a wall glowing red because of pigment not fire. Still it scared the horse and it scared me in the dream. The horse didn't have room to thrash himself loose, or pull away and so he was stuck, looking at that wall, unable to pass through it, and unable to back away. That is where I am at.
I am finding life an illusion, as always, but beyond one illusion is another and everyone sees a different illusion... but I see them all, and all of them are the wrong way to look at things... I just don't know the right way anymore. Nothing here is real but spirit, but spirit does not pay the bills. This world is really messed up and I can't seem to see through it to find an escape, or a green pasture.
Anyway, I am going to try to post here more often and be here for the rest of you... at least I plan to. I am looking for a direction... maybe someone has a suggestion?
Emotionally I am drained and just freaked out. I normally only contact you all when I am strong, but I miss you, and I really hate facebook sometimes.. so tactile and PC and there are energies among my so called "friends" that are driving me crazy. I actually blocked someone for the first time... not a friend, just an awful woman on one of the political pages I go on. Overall, politics isn't where my head is at. They tick me off and I start trolling because while normally I might agree with them, I sense manipulation of situations that really are not what they seem. I feel like so many are playing into the hand of media and corporations and just doing what everyone with a brain would expect... reaction. Spreading fear... and while yes, things are bad and we have reason to worry... fear and worry are very counterproductive and are at odds with logical strategy.
I feel this sense of impending doom... and I don't like it one bit... I want to fight... more shadow boxing. I want to stop... I want to make a commitment to be positive, all that positive visualization and stuff, but I can't seem to muster it. Overall I am getting stronger, but I still feel weak from the challenges that presented themselves this summer and over the last half dozen years. I am just tired of it all.
I had a dream or vision the other night that explains where I am. I saw a big black horse in a boxcar, chained by the halter into a corner where all he could see was the wall on both sides of his face. The wall was the color of molten iron... all glowing red orange, but it was just paint, not a real heat... just light reflecting off a wall glowing red because of pigment not fire. Still it scared the horse and it scared me in the dream. The horse didn't have room to thrash himself loose, or pull away and so he was stuck, looking at that wall, unable to pass through it, and unable to back away. That is where I am at.
I am finding life an illusion, as always, but beyond one illusion is another and everyone sees a different illusion... but I see them all, and all of them are the wrong way to look at things... I just don't know the right way anymore. Nothing here is real but spirit, but spirit does not pay the bills. This world is really messed up and I can't seem to see through it to find an escape, or a green pasture.
Anyway, I am going to try to post here more often and be here for the rest of you... at least I plan to. I am looking for a direction... maybe someone has a suggestion?