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Post by Del on Dec 7, 2012 3:13:24 GMT -5
So... I'm not sure if there's anyone around to read this. I'll post it anyway.
I'm sure we've all heard about people losing jobs - not good enough, not up to par, conflict with the bosses, etc, etc.
What about losing your job because you're too much for everyone? Because you're too overwhelming? Because you know what your needs are, limitations, and are adamant on not giving in to demands that would cause you harm? Because you're so in-tune with yourself, that no one else around you is? Because your level of self-care is through the roof, and everyone is just in awe and shock that you have that much intimacy with and knowledge of yourself?
I should have seen it coming - if I've overwhelmed the therapist, I obviously have overwhelmed my client. I've done this by being authentic, being true to myself, and expressing my process.
I've never thought or imagined that my words would hold such weight. That I could fill someone up within minutes, let alone an hour.
Well this experience has shown me a lot about myself. Windhorse has been a profound learning experience. I suppose I've learned all that I've needed...
And now, I have 30-days...I will be relieved of my duties here and who know what will happen after that.
I'm not going to wait until Jan. 1st to ask what's next. I'm asking that now. I saw it coming - in my dreams - that I was going to be traveling. I just didn't see it coming this soon.
I guess I'll keep you posted...
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Post by KG on Dec 16, 2012 19:43:37 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about this Del, but not overly surprised. I don't think this is a sign that you are too much... as in something is wrong with you, but rather that... everyone else is too little and on a totally different trip than you. (I use the word trip in the old hippie connotation... as in Acid trip)
Nearly everyone in the world right now has dropped the bad acid, and is having a bad trip. They are literally impaired and are being terrified by awful circumstances, some imagined and some real. They didn't plan their trip very well. Instead of Grateful Dead music they loaded the que with Kings X and Demons. (Old satanic metal.) Instead of watching the Wizard of OZ, they have a boxed set of "The World at War," and a lot of graphic disaster and apocalypse films. It all seems so real, and it very well may be, but it is the world seen through the eyes of fear, and the only alternative most people can find is numbing apathy. They can't face reality in the condition they are all in... and they are in no shape to deal with it.
I am surrounded and engulfed by the cloud of bad trip myself... being in NC it's just freaking overwhelming, and more or less what you sensed in NYC. I try to spark my golden light, but if it emanates at all, it's only for a few inches around me and then blackness... that seems to be the way of these new dark ages.
My magic is reduced to weirdness... just a little weird mixed energy cloud floating through the darkness like a gray cloud with a silver lining on a black field of darkness. Every now and then a ray of sunshine peaks through but mostly I am engulfed and overwhelmed but struggling determinedly to display some light.
YOU... well that's another story. You have somehow broken out, risen to the top and are floating on the surface of all this, seeing it from a great distance... but you've got to remember others aren't where you are at. Therapy is about the client... All you could possibly do is hang your hand over the side of the grand canyon and try to pull up those at the bottom. You need some way of reaching them... you don't have a rope and even if you did... well it wouldn't be long enough. You cannot reach people at the bottom of the gulf, when you are not engulfed, but if you were also engulfed, then how in the hell could you help them???
In the end dear Prudence, you are struggling to stay afloat above the fray. You are... You simply are. They only want to be where you are, but there is no road that goes there. There is no bridge. If... if you could build a bridge you would be a very successful therapist.
I am Mercy, trying to be a light in overwhelming darkness. Even my own light is mixed. This perspective is not easy or good for me. My spirit is nearly crushed by my own bad trip... I can say though that I will come through. Things will be better at the first of the year I hope. Things will either be a lot better or a lot worse, and either way it beats the dark plague of apathetic mediocrity that faces us now.
Kim
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Post by Del on Dec 16, 2012 23:53:55 GMT -5
YOU... well that's another story. You have somehow broken out, risen to the top and are floating on the surface of all this, seeing it from a great distance... but you've got to remember others aren't where you are at. Therapy is about the client... All you could possibly do is hang your hand over the side of the grand canyon and try to pull up those at the bottom. You need some way of reaching them... you don't have a rope and even if you did... well it wouldn't be long enough. You cannot reach people at the bottom of the gulf, when you are not engulfed, but if you were also engulfed, then how in the hell could you help them??? In the end dear Prudence, you are struggling to stay afloat above the fray. You are... You simply are. They only want to be where you are, but there is no road that goes there. There is no bridge. If... if you could build a bridge you would be a very successful therapist. This resonates with the dream I had this morning. All I remember is being in a virtual reality game, with the other players being some of the people here at this organization and the rest of the world, and being prompted from the admin that I couldn't play with them because we weren't on the same level. We couldn't journey the same quest because no one was at the level I was on to journey with me. I had to continue alone... Reminds me of the anime Sword Art Online, where the main character is generally a solo player whose skill level is very different from everyone he encounters... Anyway, it doesn't help the feeling of being repulsed by the world. I harbor such a deep seated anger at Humanity - why was I awoken from my slumber within Sophia for this? Why? These people I work with - say one thing to my face and then say something else behind my back....pathologizing my actions. They, who are ignorant of the causes take the liberty to be the authority and brand me as sick and needing of help? Seriously?? Burn for all I care...Burn...
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Post by KG on Dec 21, 2012 16:42:44 GMT -5
Perhaps it is so, that you are on a whole other level now. Still there might be more to learn.
Well... I don't know, but I do know that it is my love for humanity and the fact that I am aware that i am part of humanity that keeps me here slugging it out, even though I'm not so popular either. We are all part of humanity, and no matter what we see in others, that we don't like, there is something within us that corresponds with that. It may not be the same identical flaw, because we are all as individual as snowflakes but we do all have similar problems and character flaws. It is by acknowledging our own flaws that we find compassion for others. I cannot imagine a life without compassion and love. If that's what it takes to progress, then I simply cannot go there. Don't worry though, I'll still be here if you need me. I just can't go where you are at.
I can't say right or wrong, but I do think perhaps there are some balance issues to be addressed for both of us. Humans are fallible and silly yes, but they are still important, worthwhile and beautiful.
These are the kinds of conflicts I have with others as well, and on both sides. People who live or work together, get together to discuss the problems they see in other staff members and other family members. Of course they speak more freely without the subject present, but it is in these groups that opinions are formulated and groundless suspicions dismissed as well. While humans are largely incapable of judgment, it is still necessary when employing someone or working with them or living with them to have and express opinions. I am sure your "anger at humanity" would raise some red flags with a group of therapists. Therapy is about helping human beings. It can be difficult to help those you are angry with.
I think you should examine your anger and attempt to resolve it, because anger denotes an absence of reconciliation.
Love Ya,
Kim
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Post by Del on Dec 21, 2012 18:38:22 GMT -5
Perhaps it is so, that you are on a whole other level now. Still there might be more to learn. Like learning to not depend on people anymore. Learning to be aware that the majority of people around are focused only on the limits of the atmosphere, and nothing more. Most... This is where we differ greatly. It'snot my love for humanity that keeps me here, slugging it out; it's my love for my origin that keep me going. Not humanity. I begin to feel so small when I try to imagine doing the things that everyone else does; even the people that have a mindset that's non-conventional, I eel like I'm claustrophobic...really small. Yet when I think of my essential Origin, what created me, and where my body comes from [which is NOT Earth, contrary to popular beliefs], and those non-sentient beings that support me - my predecessors, I feel really, really expansive, like the Ocean, like what I see when I look up at the night sky or pictures of space. I feel alive. Just thinking about gives me joy, it brings me bliss! To be around others that don't get it, and try to comprehend what they're saying, is the opposite. Someone said to me "Well you're on Earth, you might as well deal with it." That was not only disgusting to hear, it was also very disturbing. Firstly, why do people hang on to that notion and don't seek to leave it be so that they may start over from the beginning? We are on Earth, and that doesn't mean it's purpose to follow the conditioning had. I don't know why everyone else is here - I have my ideas and speculations of it, and I don't waste my time trying to figure that out in order to preach. I know why I AM HERE, and I desire only to focus my time on fulfilling that purpose. Interacting with people that don't understand or comprehend me pulls me down, makes me feel claustrophobic and throws me off. Ah, so what you're saying is what I don't like in others is something I don't like in my self? Well, that's simple - I guess I need to be focusing on truth not given to us by outsiders [people outside of oneself], and living it. Well there you have it! I'm angry because I've tried to please myself in being authentic and please people by doing what everyone else is doing and failed because my being authentic isn't what they really wanted in the first place. Angry because I'm wasting time on other people's thoughts, ideas and wishes... Glad to have come to that realization. Compassion and Love, as defined by society...I question everything that's out there. No matter how light and fluffy someone presents it: "Oh open your heart to others; Forgive yourself so you can forgive others; Love everyone; etc, etc." Do people realize the depth within that? Are people really wanting to forgive every aspect of their being? Is everyone willing to throw away conditioning to the very core, forgive themselves for holding on to it for so long, and taking the journey to create from essence, and authenticity?? I doubt it. Not enough people are willing to take that leap... Worthwhile and beautiful? I only see beauty in the things that mirror what gives me bliss. Worthwhile? Only when it's mutually beneficial, and that's really rare. If they knew I was angry. They don't know I'm angry, because it's not them I'm angry at; it's myself. Like the game - it's not something to play with a group of people. I need to get used to that. Each time I come across the tiniest indication that one person would be the person that understands me, it disappears. It never existed. And this is another place where our opinions are different. I'm tired of hearing this 'Human beings' jingle. It sounds like it is an excuse to be and do a certain way. Therapy is another dogma created to validate self limiting behaviors, and people that feel they have the right to 'clinically'judge others. That's hardly helping. Reconciliation with my self. Angry because I can't find someone to journey with. And it seems I have to go it alone from here on out. Sad really... Whenever I share my depth of expression, it always scares people away. Much Love, Alaya
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Post by KG on Dec 22, 2012 4:56:39 GMT -5
I agree that most people are not dependable and relying on them can be very disappointing at times. Right now, in this era we see additional problems that are exacerbating the worst elements of human nature. People are grossly incapable and insecure these days. Changes in society, politics, technology, the planet, the climate and the universe are making people very nervous and paranoid. Most people have a low tolerance for change. It leads to apprehension and mistrust. I can't deal with Facebook in big doses anymore because of all the paranoia and anger out there. People are afraid, and I can't say I am not... I used to be free from fear, but that was a long time ago. Now I am struggling to regain that. Quite honestly I find society terrifying because I do care what happens to all these numskulls. LOL
Frightened people are dangerous, myself included and so my first step has to be to rid myself of fears. I have babied myself too much in the last several years and now I feel incapable. I have also denied myself too much and thus I have lost trust in myself too. I do what's comfortable... comforting rather than what is healthy. I do need to take care of me, but somehow it seems easier to just coast... just get by with the minimum of self care while trying to work... and I don't have the strength for what I need to do. I lack self-discipline.
I figure most people are like me, doing the best they can through their fears, their terrors and their emotional exhaustion... well I asked to understand, and now I do because I have become part of it... I have allowed myself to empath the world... and this is what it is to be human. To fear and to mistrust, to feel a need for a preemptive strike. To hold back... looking for just one sign of provocation on the part of the other. To feel threatened, always waiting for the sword of Damocles to fall and rend us in twain.
Yet we are already in twain... torn ,always, between various opinions and points of view... or maybe that part is just me. Because I have empathed it all, I now hold a lot of different POVs. A lot of different and opposite opinions, a lot of different and divergent fears. I have stopped numbing myself to the pain of the world and it is heart wrenching.
There is no singular truth in this society. It's all just various reactions. No matter what the issue there is one group who thinks they can forbid and another who feels it is a right... their right to do as they please. I, by wisdom know that there is nothing that can be forbidden so that it stops. The forbidden is in fact more desirable than the allowed. There is no force strong enough to forbid anything, save one and he gave us free will.
Everyone among us wants to usurp the freewill of others because this and that behavior seems insane to them. Yet their behavior is just as insane, and at the same time they want to restrict the behavior of others, they clamor for the right to act upon their own brand of insanity. Fear has driven all humanity to insanity. No one can discern the truth, only their own irrational desires, based on their own pitiful insecurities. I am not different, except that I see what I and they want, and why.
Anyway the above is my explanation of the human condition in the 21st century.
Yes, the mundane does make us feel small. I too often retreat from scrubbing the toilet and washing dirty dishes, and interacting with boring, mundane, shallow people. I am not very good at doing any of the above things... and yet someone has to. What right do I have to refuse? I am no better than the next guy or gal.
I remember though, that Jesus never shied from work, nor did he avoid the people that clamberer after him for healing and alms. He was always in the fray. I used to love being among people, but I have withdrawn and now I have to get my butt back out there. I really do not want to, despite my love of people I am... er... afraid. I feel awkward.
I do not pretend to understand your new comprehension of non-sentient beings. I'm not there, but it sounds awesome... scary somehow to my way of perceiving things but still... it sounds big. I know I am either not called to that or that I am not ready for that.
That's true of any singular point of view. It's also true when you see all the points of view for that matter. Dealing with people who only see one POV is annoying, especially if it isn't your point of view. Also the extremism of any one point of view can be annoying. There are many ways of seeing the universe, the government, society, religion and etc. I don't know that there is one right way... but there are sure a lot of wrong or rather extremely limited ways to look at things.
You are right. We shouldn't be under the spell of the human conditioning, but it is important to understand it. I plan to extract myself from this rather confusing and conflicted POV as soon as possible, but I am glad I could feel it so completely. I had to do something though, to keep my soul from leaving my body. I had become a floating specter hovering above my body. I was not really alive. Now I know what it is to feel mortal. I have always been aware of my immortality and that is very comforting, but sometimes, as unpleasant as it is, we have to come down from our heavenly homes, of course we may see those differently, and live in the real world enough to hold body and soul together in incarnation.
I understand. I have often wondered if everyone is like me... like you... having a greater purpose, and I suppose they do. I just can't busy myself figuring out each person. We are all very different and amazingly diverse. I can't pretend to know what each one has to offer, or if they are fulfilling their calling. I do suspect that each one of these people have a calling equal to yours, and equal to mine... but I do not know that for sure.
Yes, and yet it is lonely without a group to identify with. I miss feeling a part of something, with others that worked with me. Yet as our individual callings are revealed, we can't always find followers, much less equals with the exact same mission. I think it is good to have someone to talk to that is at least somewhat open to our calling, but it's hard to find people who can relate if your mission is obscure and different from that of others.
I am in a state of flux right now. Floating between POVs, looking for answers to the bigger problems of humanity. How to instruct others and how to lift them out of this fearful murky existence. I have so far only figured out how to trap myself within my own body and circumstances. Of course I still exist in Heaven but it's more divided than it was. Like Mercy and I are working independently... though I am she... I am not always aware of her constantly as I was. I am only aware of an hour or so a day of my spiritual situation. I am here, in this worn down body most of the time.
Theoretically we all contain a bit of everything, and what we repress or neglect in ourselves often irritates us when we see others freely expressing it. Inversely if we see others repressing what we freely express that is also irritating. That's just my understanding of not liking... nothing really personal or directed at you specifically.
I can relate to that. Even in a family, like with my kids, my mother and my husband, they have certain expectations and sometimes I don't feel like fulfilling those but it is my responsibility to put their needs first. Yet it defuses my efforts on my own calling. Often derails my calling...
I find it incredibly confusing, because no matter what I do, they feel like I did not do enough for them, or what I did, per their instructions, was not what they wanted after all... as if I sabotaged them if their plans didn't work out. They treat me as if I am retarded sometimes, by giving me detailed instructions and yet they hold me responsible for the outcome, when in fact they gave me no choice. When a plan succeeds it always becomes their idea. If it fails it was always mine. Still they expect me to go along with their next plan and get mad if I try to tell them it won't work. They all do it to me in one way or another.
"Why didn't I warn them their plan was shit???" A. I didn't know... it seemed like a good idea at the time. B. I knew if I did they'd throw a horse fit, and get mad at me and do whatever they intended without me, which would be even more risky. Believe me, I've tried it both ways with all of them, and that's what happens. C. I didn't really think it through, because I thought they had and I was so busy with other stuff, I just did as I was told because it was easier.
Yes, and they never appreciate it when you do. However, when you are working a job, and getting a salary or wages, or even paid by the job, that is exactly the arrangement. You trade x amount of your hours for money and you perform your duties according to their thoughts, their ideas and their wishes. It sucks, but that's kind of the deal, no matter what the job is.
No! Heavens No! Our society has no comprehension of compassion and love. Everything here is fear driven. Fear pollutes love, and even though perfect love casts out all fear, the love here is not perfect. As long as there is an ounce of fear, you have jealousy, neediness, greediness, impatience and insecurity mixed in with love for a horrible result. Right now I am struggling hard not to fall prey to that in my own life, but no... as there is no real Love as defined by our society.
Probably not. Those sound like pat answers to me. Don't get me wrong, those sayings are exactly what we need to do, but no. No one really knows how to tell anyone else how to do those, and few people ever manage to do those things consistently.
Few people would know where to even start... but yes, I think a lot of them might like to do some of that. At least till they saw how hard it was, and then they'd give up.
That's not what I meant... For me everyone is valuable, not necessarily to me personally since I do not know them, but valuable as an entity, as a soul. Each soul is precious. Each person is endowed with gifts and talents and a dharma to fulfill. Each person has a magical higher self that is pure and holy and wonderful. It is only this life here on earth that weighs us down and makes us so ineffective, so negative and so miserable. We all have a higher calling and a responsibility to help one another discover that. We all are special and we have a responsibility to let others know that they are special... not inferior to us because they do not share OUR calling. Not superior to us because their calling is greater, but only that each of us has something to do. There is no greater and lesser. Only those who are obedient, those who are trying to be obedient, and those who have no clue what they are supposed to do yet. Each is valuable.
Well, my own current state of mind is very confusing, so perhaps I am speaking out of that when I say that no one ever fully understands anything or anyone. I think I am correct though, because as I look back at times when I thought I understood everything, and was certain I was right, I was at least partially wrong. The times I thought I was most certain were often the times I was most wrong, and perhaps I was not wrong at all in my actions, but I certainly did not take right action because I understood the full reason for my actions.
The truth, the real truth of anything, is too big to be held within the human mind. So... no, no one will ever understand all that is you. They will never comprehend you or predict your goals and outcomes accurately. Neither will you. No matter how much you think you understand, you still only hold a tiny fragment of your own truth in your mind at one time.
Your heart on the other hand, can sense the full truth. You can contain your truth in your heart, but you cannot contain it with your mind. Other people may perceive you with their hearts, to the degree their hearts are developed, but they will never in a million years be able to express those sensations verbally with any accuracy at all. The truth is beyond words.
Yes, maybe it is, but I see it more as the Gnostic understanding. We are trapped in tunics of flesh. Our bodies have reactions that are difficult to control and we are trapped within the laws of physics, not because there is no other way, but because we are too limited to see that other way of being above physics clearly. WE have limited hard drive capacity in our puny brains. We cannot conceive of the truth, but only our own POV. When we get too many or too broad of POV our brain goes fuzzy and we pass out. LOL I've felt like my brain would burst at times both from spiritual revelation and from the empath of a great number of people at once. It is crazy making. It's like you feel so much and can verbalize so little of it. It's all just too much for the hard drive, so you blue screen and something shuts you down because you are dumping your physical memory. That's what the computer blue screen says and it's a pretty accurate description of mental overload from a spiritual/external emotional source.
That may well be true. I'd like to hear from you how to avoid self limiting behaviors because I am hitting a brick wall with that right now, and I always hit a brick wall when I try to rise above those self limiting behaviors. What do you suggest? If not therapy then what helps?
I agree, and I hate labels and diagnosis of so called mental illness, disorders and limitations. I think that labels very much limit people and that people should avoid labels whenever possible. Still I suppose that the head shrinkers have to have some way to communicate with each other, and some basic types. I just wish they wouldn't infer that people cannot rise above their labels.
yep, I've scared the hell out of people before too. They are attracted when I am strong, but if I get less than positive it terrifies others. I think that's why I ended up with Bear. He may have a few flaws himself, but being easily frightened isn't one of them. LOL Also he isn't in awe of me... which I really used to like but it turns out the more in awe of me they were, the more frightened they become if I falter. Eventually we all falter.
At any rate I hope you do find someone to share your walk with, but we at spirit sense are here to listen and try to be as helpful as possible. I hope that folks come back now since the world didn't end after all. LOL
Anyway I have rambled all over the place, but I hope this helps. I'd appreciate if you'd elaborate more on the self limiting aspects of the human psyche and how to override them. I think mine have gotten out of hand again.
Thanks for your post. I look forward to your reply.
Love,
Kim
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