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Post by KG on Jul 10, 2010 22:06:47 GMT -5
As some of you know, I'm having a good bit of trouble with some kind of stress thing I'm going through. Here are a few questions...
How do you keep from loosing your head when those about you are loosing theirs?
How do you calm your nerves? Or more like how do your calm your nerves and stay directed towards some sort of plan at the same time?
Why am I having so much trouble with this? any ideas? I mean why is the mundane so painful lately?
Any answers would be helpful.
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Post by Xavrael on Jul 11, 2010 1:11:32 GMT -5
In no particular order:
1. No 2. Yes 3. Milk
---- Kidding.
How do I keep from losing my head? I don't let myself do it. I realize that everything in this life is fleeting and no matter how much I may want to hang on to something, it'll fade away into dust. Doesn't take into account what happens AFTER but still helps. How?
Well. Taking into account how brief this foray in the world of the living is, it makes it easier to, "digest".
Things that seem serious end up simply being road blocks that you climb over while day dreaming about what comes later, about possibilities. Smile. Or growl, whichever is funnier and makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Problems... of the mundane short lose their severity when you've gone through worse, and when you realize how insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things whether it be yours compared to the universe, or yours compared to a poor family in Africa/Guatemala/<insert other country>.
I calm myself pretty much the same way. I could be muuuuch worse off. My problems are... serious enough. But what's the worst that can happen? I lose some material thing? Psh. So long as i'm alive, I can work hard and regain whatever was lost. Would much rather NOT obviously, but still =).
Point being... Ultimately there's no point in getting worked up over things you can't control. You simply adapt and continue along smartly, while trying to keep a positive outlook. Focus determining our reality and all that other fortune cookie madness.
Confidence in yourself while everything else around you crumbles. Can only ever really take it one step at a time. Then surprise the hell out of yourself when you turn around and see how far you've gotten.
Normally, focusing on a goal can be relaxing in itself. take things one step at a time and only think about getting that goal done and nothing else.
Breathe. You're alive.
Just my thoughts =) I actually didn't put much thought into what i just wrote so honestly it may come out all....jumbled but eh. You'll get my drift.
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Post by KG on Jul 11, 2010 22:28:47 GMT -5
Thanks Xav. I appreciate that a lot. I don't know what this is, but things are really getting to me lately... I mean it isn't exactly my first time around the block at age 50, but somehow it's different lately... things just aren't working out the way it seems they should on any level, and I'm not just worried about me, I notice a lot of poverty where I work, and it's getting to me... things should not be this way. I see a lot of fear. The crime rate is up insanely just all of a sudden. People are coming from the city and robbing houses in our neighborhoods. The newspaper delivery woman's car got shot, and there have been dozens of roberies in the past week. People are sad, and afraid, and angry... and I am an empath... plus I do have worries of my own as well... mostly economic, but a few odd glitches in my mind and body as well. IDK... I'm getting the physical sensations I associate with extreme stress, even when I am just sitting around and when I go out and do things, I feel even more stress.
I believe things should be better, and I also believe that I've somehow gotten off course with my own life... maybe it couldnt be helped, but I'm not exactly in the path I should be on... I mean I don't think I've done anything wrong, but I feel out of step... kind of lost... in a spiritual way, in that deep down I believe in miraculous living, and somehow I'm not seeing the miracles I believe in, but also in a mental and physical location kind of way... I'm not physically or mentally where I should be.
Nothing really makes sense to me. I don't understand about applying for jobs on line, and not ever hearing ANYTHING from any of them... but I have responsibilities, obligations, bills, kids who need me, and need money... and somehow I have to produce more than I am currently producing, but I'm barely keeping up as it is... and though I am trying to find a second job, so far no luck. I know I haven't been looking as long as some people have been, but it's taking longer than it's ever taken before for me to find a job... and I get scared when I talk to people who have been looking for years... and I've been self employed, for ages... and I don't know if I could really please an employer either or not anymore. I also would rather stay self employed, but my field is not something that works when the economy falls apart, though when I look around it seems like nothing is... working out for any field of business.
Anyway I do not like poverty... whether it is me or someone else who has to endure it. It's an injustice I don't see readily how to fix when it is this widespread. I thought Obama could change things, but so far, he's not been able to pull this out. It's no better than it was... I want to be part of the solution, not join the problem. I want to fix this, and deep down I think that's what's bothering me. I really believe I should be able to rise above this situation and somehow fix it with prayer, and my spiritual abilties, or by political action, or something... but I haven't been able to, and when I approach this thing in prayer, well... you know... Xav, when I pray normally I feel a certain way... like at first you are stressed, and you pray and pray till you feel a release and everything seems like it's going to be OK... and then it always is... but rarely... occasionally, you pray and you know that the thing you asked for isn't going to happen... and so you know that... and you respond to the situation accoringnly... but this time... well this time, I am not getting a yes, or a no, or any kind of instructions, or anything... and I do not know why. I want answers... instructions... preferably from God, or angels or something, but at this point, I'd study a map on the back of a napkin, drawn by a drunk... so far no direction.
I have tons of ideas, as usual, but this time none of them even work on paper... normally I can look at a situation and logic it out, and come up with a workable solution... but this time my own brain won't produce a solution either... and it feels hopeless, not because it IS hopless, but because so far, I haven't found an answer I can put my heart into, and I am just running around like a chicken with my head cut off... applying for jobs, with no real confidence, I try to fake it, but I know I am transparent. I am making business calls for Bear, but I haven't gotten any positive results and I blame myself... and the economy, and the fact I don't feel like I even know what I am talking about sometimes. IDK... I'm not making a great impression and I don't know why, but I can feel it... I even feel it from my computer applications, but maybe that is in my head. IDK... I think maybe a lot of this is in my head, but I can't seem to get control on it, so I can pray through and get an answer. I feel desperate, and I am sure it is obvious. I mean I am very transparent. Just as I empath everyone else's emotions, my own show easily as well. I am not good at hiding my feelings to the point people can't read them. I mean I don't make a scene or cry or anything, and outwardly I am holding together, but there are signs, and my energy is all weird. IDK I am trying to hide my feelings with most people, but I am not sure I have succeeded.
You are right, I should feel good about my goals, but so far my goals are very nebulous... I would like a job in my career field that pays at least $10, to $14 an hour, and I'd like more of course, but I'd settle for minimum wage and not in my field. I don't WANT that, but I'll take what I can get... I'd like to be self employed and find clients, but that's even more difficult... and overall I need instructions. I've never had so much trouble getting an answer out of God in my whole life. I'm also having trouble following through on any sort of plan, because I DON"T know if any of it is exactly what I should be doing... I just figured I'd apply for a bunch of jobs and God would give me the one he wanted me to have... since he won't tell me anything... but I know it's me that isn't listening... God speaks all the time, but sometimes we just can't hear... and that's probably what's happening now... I just can't settle down and ask... and my emotions are getting the best of me. Not on the outside... where I am still fairly placid, but on the inside I'm not nearly as peaceful. Sarah called me out on this yesterday, when she said, "On the outside you seem like this you are this cool little hippy chick, all calm and peaceful, but on the inside you are pure goth. You are depressed, and you hate the way the world works... but you feel you can't change it, and you just accept feeling miserable. You dont fight back, and you've gotten all shy." Then she suggested I grow a pair and learn to stick up for myself, and stop being so spacey... and She's right of course, but so far, I can't seem to pull it together on the inside. I can't seem to attain my usual state of being... and when I look back, I realize that I haven't felt that way for quite a while, it just didn't matter as much because I had no real choices or decisions to make, and everything was fairly routine... now I'm having to step out of my rut, and unlike other times when I had to make a call... I just don't feel guided. I mean I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, more or less. I am applying for jobs, making phone calls, struggling to also do the routine things I always have to do, and overall I am getting things done, but it doesn't feel right. It just feels like I am spinning my wheels, and not getting anywhere. I start things, and don't follow up, or I follow up and nothing happens, or I get caught up in one thing and forget about the other... but deep down I have the feeling that none of it is going to work anyway... except that ONE THING, that I just can't quite name... that I am supposed to be doing, and I can't because I don't know what it is. Does that make any sense?
Anyway I'm sorry to just dump on you guys about my problems, but I really am having trouble getting a grip. I appreciate any help you can give... and I guess saying it isn't important helps, but deep down it does feel like it could be important. Overall I tend to place importance on this... whatever it is... it feels frighteningly important, but instead of motivating me, it's got me stressed. Thanks for the advice, any more advice I'd also apprecate.
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Post by KG on Jul 12, 2010 21:45:52 GMT -5
Sorry but I going to double post here. I don't want to just delete the above because it's honest, but it's only half the story, and at this point, I feel like I am talking to myself anyway... I mean I know better than what I just said... there's just sort of a gap there or a learning curve or whatever. I've worked through it and now I'm going to do what I need to. I've got several plans... still... can't seem to narrow them, but the immediate plan is to take on a lucritive market which right now... well I know this sounds nuts, but Tattoos... I am going to take my portfolio to all the local tattoo artists, and see if they would hire me as sort of an aprentice. I have never done tatoos but how hard could it be? I want to learn, and maybe I could find a good teacher. I've drawn, painted, and sculpted and carved, and done everything from sign painting to fine art... so why not? It can't be that hard. Anyway I could use that to make immediate money and it would be a lucrative way of earning a good bit of money fast.
Then once I get a little nest egg I have some more professional persuits which I would like to fruther in my spare time. The thing is until now the huge wrinch in every plan for self employment was no disposable cash to start up... and no recent experience, and no exposure to a client base who had disposable cash... but people are getting tattoos... even in this economy. I'm not really looking at this as long term... unless I end up just loving it, but I know I could do this, and it would be easy money any time I needed it once I learn how.
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Post by Del on Jul 14, 2010 2:05:36 GMT -5
What I'm sensing is you haven't made a commitment to something that will move you ahead. You're committed to this cycle of being in a rut. So now you have to decide what it is you're really wanting and commit to making it happen. Here's a small start I can offer, Kim, but you have to be committed to working on it: www.soulcollage.comRead about the process, and see if it's something you can do - if it's at all possible to purchase the matt-boards in your local art store, then great. The rest is pretty much simple: glue, scissors, and magazines/pictures [with NO words on them!!!!] Also, a sense of purpose - does that exist for you? What gives you meaning? Here's something to read: goodlifezen.com/2009/05/04/top-ten-way-to-establish-new-habits-without-discipline/Life happens in stages, and as one tapers off, another arises. That mid point between stages are called transitions. You're in a big one. What had meaning in the past, is obviously not working right now. So, what is it you'd like to create?
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Post by KG on Jul 15, 2010 19:15:29 GMT -5
I am committed to finding a way to make real money to pay my bills and make my kids feel secure. I would like something that fruthered my career, but that IS a secondary concern. I hate to say it, but money far outweighs any other concerns I have at this point, which is NOT where I thought I'd be at this juncture.
I had thought that this may NOT be the time to follow up on my "what do you want to do, when you get old?" Really I had seen that more as going back to school, or something that I'd have money to invest in a nicer business than Pork Skins... not that there's anything wrong with my little snack shop, but I wanted something bigger and better, preferably not to do with food... or at least not food I had to cook and plate. LOL
IN general what I need is something I could do with the investment of less than $200.00, and immediate profit coming out... immedately. The obvious choice, and what I've always done in the past when I needed money this desperately, was to just get a job. In the old days that was easy enough, even during the god awful Regan Recession, which history conveniently forgot, one could get SOME kind of crappy job... but now it's all different. A person can spend all day five days a week, on line applying, and then go tromping around uptown a few times applying, and still... just not hear a thing back from anyone... and it's frustrating, and seems to be a huge waste of time, at least so far.
So then there is self employment, and I am all set up for graphics and publishing... just haven't done any in a while due to lack of demand, but I could go and beat the bushes and try to turn something up... I mean that IS my job, it's just that it dried up and I really didn't push it, because I've learned that nagging clients when things are slow really doesn't get you anywhere... but a 10 year and counting recession is just hard for any local business to survive.
I did have an idea for starting another publication, like the one I had before, but IDK if that would be lucritive right now, and there are expenses that go along with that. Start up costs would be around 400.00, IF I could find a cheep printer... I'd have to sell the ads before I printed anyway, so I could defray the start up costs with ad sales, plus hopefully make a profit, but it takes months to sell the first month's publication, under the best of circumstances. Plus one could spend a fortune in gas driving all over two counties trying to sell ads. An e-zine is cheeper, but who knows how to sell ads for that, the web is full of pay per click now, and I would not want to keep up with that sort of thing... and it's generally a rip off.
I think the tattoo idea would be the quickest way to make money, if I could get an apprenticeship that paid me a small sallary to start. If I could make some money right away, with promise of more once I learn... and from what I've seen it isn't that complicated. I could learn in a couple of months. Maybe I could even sell designs to other tattoo artists, or draw up their custom designs for them, so that all they'd have to do is apply them with a stensil... I even saw one guy who drew the tattoo with a marker and then did it... but either way... I could do it... if I can just talk some local tattoo artist into giving me a chance... which is the bottom line either way. No matter what I do, I have to find enthusiasm and confidence, so that's where I am starting.
So as far as comitment, I haven't found anything to commit to. I really am grasping at straws, and I'll take any straw someone offers me, but I do have some ideas for where I might find a straw if I go outside the conventional thought... of just finding a job, which used to be fairly simple. I haven't settled on a strategy for drumming up work for my husband either, and the things I've been trying aren't working... That's the problem I can't find anything to commit to.
Fruther I see that we aren't the only ones with this problem. Everytime I talk to prospective clients, I either get the poor mouth, or the news that they were taken over by a huge corporate entity who does their IT work remotely, or hires a guy to go to all their locations, or whatever.
Yes I am kind of worried about what will happen once I do find it, as far as what will it be, and how can I find it, and when I do find it, can' I satisfy the needs of my clients, or employer. I'm trying to be realistic about the whole situation, and at the same time have faith... but the two seem to clash... as for faith though... the guy who is going to hire Bear if his company gets off the ground sounded much more hopeful last night, so maybe he will manage to pull this through. He's struggling with city government and it's so stupid with everyone out of work, but some elected officials are trying to put a wrench in his plans... which isn't even sensible.
I hate to say it, but sometimes the small town south can be so stupid. We need jobs, and this place would make twenty or thirty jobs, but the city commissioners can't see that it's a no brainer to say yes.
Anyway there are so many variables involved that it is hard to say what will happen next. I'm just trying to keep the bills paid, food on the table, and the cars running, on next to nothing. So far I've more or less covered things, but it's getting insanely confusing just trying to figure out how to pay for stuff. I don't need more expense I need more income. Already the pork skin shop is costing almost as much as it makes, and I'm hard presssed to keep supplies in... and feed us. I've been just hanging tight for the last 9 months, and in hindsight that was a mistake. I should have been working on this all along, but I was told that Bear would be working by April, and then it was July, and now I'm being told next February at the earliest... so really it could happen, but I've seen I can't just hold my breath till it does.
I just did them in Paintshop pro... I don't really have any mags that would have pics of things I wanted to dream of... all I keep anymore is game informer, and some sales catalogs... oh and computer parts catalogs are the thing I have most of... I don't think those would work well, and other than that I have some national geograpics from the sixties... LOL Anyway I used pics off the web, and created 9 cards in PSP and I needed the practice. I shot them down small for the first printing, so I could get 9 to a sheet. IDK... I haven't cut them out yet, but making them was kind of cool, and didn't take too much time. I was able to get exactly what I wanted rather than take pot luck out of the dell catalog, and a wal mart brochure. LOL
They look nice, and I can e-mail them to you, but now I am not really sure what to do with them... I like looking at them though, and I enjoyed doing them.
Yes, here are my purposes.
1. Income for my family, because I do have a lot of responsibility. 2. To fruther my career and be able to get into either art, publishing or journalism... this is about a mile secondary to the immediate need though. 3. I'd like to find a way to help my community get through this recession, and promote small business. I am committed to this long term, but right now I don't know exactly what would help... I have a few ideas, but I don't know if I can make it affordable for my potential clients, and it would take months to iron out the details. I don't have months. Last time I spent a year planning my publication. 4. Spirituality. I would like to serve to help start some sort of spiritual movement, but that's something... well I am in the worst frame of mind I have been in, in the last 50 years, so I don't think this is the best time.
I have motivation... maybe a bit too much motivation, because now I have fear of failure, and so I'm not really feeling the why aren't you motivated. I am, it's just that I am afraid of screwing things up worse. in general it isn't complacency... although I admit i have felt that in the past under other circumstances, it's more like utter terror. I am scared.... I've gotten very shy, and lost a lot of confidence, and now I have to produce, and I am just so nervous about everything.
The article was somewhat helpful, but it seemed like he was talking about a gradual process, and that's the whole problem. I don't have time for a gradual process. I feel like I was taken out of a comfortable bed, however ensnaring it was, and being thrown out in the snow. I am not sure how to rise to this occasion. I am basically in a mosh... Things screwed up. I dealt with the problem in a way that was logical to handle them 20 years ago... and it did not work. I tried doing things the way people do them now, and it didn't work... and so I went back to the old way and it didn't work... and so I am looking for a creative solution that depends as little as possible on my broke neighbors. The economy is really really bad here.
Yes this is a HUGE transition, and a very sudden one. I was not prepared, even though I should have been. I think overall this situation will be helpful in the long run. It gives me motivation, and it gives others a reason not to resent me for making a career move, which they would have had they not needed the money, more than they need to have me at home. Overall if I can pull this off I'm saving the day, but if I can't.... IDK what will happen... but it might be bad, so I NEED to make SOMETHING work. I don't even care what, as long as it works, and that's the crust of the biscuit. No I am not committed to any one way to make it work, because right now I don't have a foolproof plan. I am usually fairly good at making good plans, but right now... well I guess I am the one who needs a brainstorming session. I can see endless potential problems, with every plan I've come up with, except the tattoo thing, and I won't lie, I am very nervous about that too, but it does look like it would work. Personally I don't really care for tattoos... though I have seen a few that look cool... but at the same time it does seem to be the last stand for real artists, who draw with their hands, and not a computer. I spent some time yesterday just drawing, and I can still freehand, even without copying, and that's hard. I made a dragon and a horse yesterday, and both looked OK. IDK I need more confidence, and that did help. I wish they'd turned out just great, but they were OK... mind you I am very critical of my own work... but they were pretty good.
Overall I feel like I can manage, but I do just need some encouragment and some dialog to brainstorm this out... anyway the urgency and the panic I feel has let up a bit, since Bear talked to his... hopefully future boss, but I'm still not counting that chicken before it hatches anymore. I made the mistake of counting it for six months I could have used... of course I WAS looking for a job, and mom got sick... and that's the way it's been for the last 15 years. Everytime I thought I could get loose from this tender little trap of home and family long enough to work in my career field, someone got sick, or went through terrible twos, or needed help with something big or whatever.
Overall I am feeling very defensive, as if the whole world is accusing me of being lazy, or thinking I haven't shouldered my responsibilities... but I have been working. I have been doing stuff, just not very well. LOL I was kind of falling down before this happened... feeling awful, and just doing the minimum requirements, of fifity million things I was supposed to be doing. Clean the house, teach the kids, take care of mom, and I really felt everyone was making huge demands on me. Not that one person was making a lot of demands, but that between all the little things from everyone it was really adding up to more than I felt like doing, but more emotionally, and time consuming more than I could do than physically more than I could do... retired widows can really take up a lot of your time, if you can't find a way out. Stressed out spouces also take up a lot of time, and kids will just remove themselves, and space out and you have to go see if they are OK... and try to make sure they are. So really I felt like I was worked to death, but all I was doing was listening to people complain, and then turn myself inside out spending time with them, only to hear that they were still complaining.
Well I do need to imagine what I want to create... overall I do want to make things happen, and I do know how to do that... it's just not working, and I think it's not working because I'm not looking at the right thing to create, or I am not in a state of mind to create in the way I normally can. I can't work out the details that I need to visualize, and I can't calm down... I get better and worse, and I have times when I am fairly lucid, but when I start trying to focus on the important issues, I start getting freaked out. I need to calm down I know. I hope this tattoo thing works. I really really do.
My want list is long... but it mostly boils down to money, but also organization. I've never been extremely organized, but as I get older, it seems like the problem gets worse. My house is a mess, I can't schedule anything, because I keep getting interupted, and other things come up and force my schedule around, because no one thinks my time is important. I have NO alone time anymore.
So really if I had my list of wants... Income
Organizational skills
A sense of peace and well being
Alone time
Some family time also
A way to persue my career with a good profit margin.
A space to work at home. I need workspace, and I'm hard pressed to find a corner in this house to work in anymore.
Thinking of it, I really need to get my house in order if I'm going to be self employed. I can't think straight in here. That goes for my physical home, and my own brain and body as well.
I think that's the problem, there is clutter in my head, and not just in my house, and really I need to clean it all up, and start from a point of organization. Kim
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Post by a'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 16, 2010 4:08:04 GMT -5
Sanity, as with all things, is an illusion.
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Post by KG on Jul 16, 2010 19:29:00 GMT -5
True, and with me it's usually a thinly veiled one, LOL. Unfortunately this is uncomfortable... normally my insanity is kind of pleasant. This feels wrong. IDK... I think I'm just freaking out, which normally I could snap out of, but for some reason it won't stop. You're familiar with the beserker state, I know... well this is just as uncontrolable as that, but with some sort of panic. I can sort of hide it more or less on the outside, but inside... IDK... I think maybe... well fear is one of the few things I constantly repress, control and keep under wraps. I thought I had conquored it entirely for a very long time... but I think it formed some kind of shadow that is reacting. I am shy. I feel helpless, and that's really not like me. I don't feel like I can successfully do anything about my situation, and that's not logical... not logical at all. It reminds me of learned helplessness, similar to what it feels like to be a dog in a cage, being randomly shocked for no reason, with no way to stop it... that was actually the experiment that they did to discover learned helplessness. I admit I haven't felt like I had much power or control over events lately, but this has hit me on a powerful level. I'm trying to work through it by facing my fears. Del's collage project is helping. I have really looked at my inner boggie man, these last couple of days, and also have been looking for my strengths.
So how are you? Are things OK?
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Post by Del on Jul 17, 2010 17:04:34 GMT -5
True, and with me it's usually a thinly veiled one, LOL. Unfortunately this is uncomfortable... normally my insanity is kind of pleasant. This feels wrong. IDK... I think I'm just freaking out, which normally I could snap out of, but for some reason it won't stop. You're familiar with the beserker state, I know... well this is just as uncontrolable as that, but with some sort of panic. I can sort of hide it more or less on the outside, but inside... IDK... I think maybe... well fear is one of the few things I constantly repress, control and keep under wraps. I thought I had conquored it entirely for a very long time... but I think it formed some kind of shadow that is reacting. I am shy. I feel helpless, and that's really not like me. I don't feel like I can successfully do anything about my situation, and that's not logical... not logical at all. It reminds me of learned helplessness, similar to what it feels like to be a dog in a cage, being randomly shocked for no reason, with no way to stop it... that was actually the experiment that they did to discover learned helplessness. I admit I haven't felt like I had much power or control over events lately, but this has hit me on a powerful level. I'm trying to work through it by facing my fears. Del's collage project is helping. I have really looked at my inner boggie man, these last couple of days, and also have been looking for my strengths. So how are you? Are things OK? For one, I am glad to see you're working with collage in some form. How's that going for you? Here's an insight from DailyOM:
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Post by KG on Jul 17, 2010 18:30:25 GMT -5
Thank you Del!!! I like the quote, and I just love the card project. I had a major breakthrough last night. I was doing the cards, and the first night, I did all positive cards... but last night, I resigned myself to LOOK at my problem head on. I made cards like Grief, Poverty, Oppression, False Conscience, and Helplessness. They were gritty and from the gut. Thanks to Google Image Search, I could find exactly what I wanted... I am going to send you those cards, or either take them to photo bucket so I can publish them on the site. Maybe we will make a thread where everyone can post their cards, because it is just such a cool thing to do. Anyway the cards led me to a crisis, and I actually saw my monsters... and looked them square in the face. I was shaking in my boots, especially when I found a pic of an old man who looked a lot like my dad, lying in a hospital bed dying... and I put that on the grief card. I put a pic of angels and Jesus behind it, and I remembered that they were there... the angels I mean. I saw them at the time, but when I remembered it... I didn't think of the angels. Now the angels are on the card, so they comfort me when I think of it. The image of my father's death has been a terrible and unforgetable trauma, which I push from my mind many times each day. Now that I have faced that and put it on a card, well I haven't shoved that image away once today... and come to think of it, it hasn't arisin til just now, and when it did, just now I didn't feel anything, and I didn't push it away... or dwell on it either. It was just a thought, not a boggie man thought.
So I had a major major breakthrough last night. It was amazing!!! I finished my negative cards and made a card about my professional goals. It made me feel very good, after all the neg stuff was out of the way. Then late last night, there was a victory party in heaven.
Plus...
I have a message on my phone inviting me for a job interview. The call came in at 11:30 this morning while I was at work at the flea market. She said to call her tomorrow, and I will. I am fairly certain I can get this job. It's only Belks, but aren't they always my port in a storm? I remember one time when I lived in Charlotte, I found myself unemployed, but I was getting a lot of babysitting gigs, and such. I was doing OK for sure, and planning to go back to school in the fall anyway. I had a nest egg squirrled away, and things seemed good, until someone raided my cookie jar, and my money was stolen. I was flat broke so I went to Belks. They hired me on the spot. Before then I worked for them for two years while I was in high school.
It will be nice to go back to the Belks family. It's something I'm not the least bit nervous about and I can regain my confidence quickly there. Plus since minimum wage has gone up, it won't be bad at all money wise. LOL I mean between that and the flea market, and whatever Bear can drum up business wise, it won't be bad at all... plus it's a professional atmosphere, so I will be encouraged to regain my professional demenor, which will help me in making business calls for Bear. It will help me grow without throwing me into a strange environment. Overall it's the easiest choice on my nerves, and I think the money will be alright... plus the place is very close to the house, with two completely different routes to get there, so I can avoid road construction easily, and take a pleasant drive through the country on most days. Beats downtown traffic for sure. The mall's not high traffic, but Belks does better than the other stores. Just enough traffic to keep me somewhat busy, but no major rush or stress. Overall it fits my needs. Maybe not all of my dreams and aspirations, but a heck of a lot more of my dreams and aspirations than sitting at home. ;D I am very happy with the idea of going to work at Belks. It's the best solution for now, and I'll be fine with that. It will provide a building point for the family... a baseline of guaranteed income, and probably health insurance, and with the other self employed income it will generate enough. I can also persue that little on line thing, without worry as to whether it will work out or not. LOL I know I've been remiss about that, because I was freaking out about everything else, and as soon as I get everything settled with Belks.... and I know I am assuming I will get the job, but I think I will... hope anyway... well I'll go ahead and count my chickens, simply because I felt a release last night when she was probably deciding to call... so I feel good about it. I finally got my feeling of release. It's been crazy making, like needing to sneeze or scratch an itch... and it's so much better now.
Kim
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Post by Del on Jul 18, 2010 3:03:56 GMT -5
Well congrats on the interview!! Now with the cards you've made, be careful with what you call negative & positive. The cards we make are tangible parts of ourselves. Allow them to speak using the phrase "I am the one who..." so that you can have a better understanding of its purpose & presence
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Post by KG on Jul 18, 2010 18:39:32 GMT -5
Thanks Del, it really is helping. I am using the affermation of I am the one who... but really I am not only the one who is so great and wonderful, I am also the one who has real faults, and problems which I must overcome. I've had enough positive affermations to last a lifetime, and there are plenty more in my deck so far, but my current problems are not going to be helped just by telling myself I am great, and it's someone else's fault, or that it's just the times. I do plenty of that already. While it is flattering that you think that there is nothing negative in me or potentially dangerous, If I am going to be honest.. well the articles want you to describe your inner voices, and my inner voices are very very critical, lately. I ignore them... I've been ignoring them for years, but they survived and got stronger. I've dismissed them, pretended I didn't hear them, shoved them way back into the back of my mind but they won't leave me alone. It's my psychology, not a demon, or some entity... it's ME. I've been angry, full of self loathing, and frustrated. I've been punishing myself, because all this stuff which I repressed has taken root in my subconscious psychology. Honestly when it comes to inner voices that come from me, most of them are negative, accusing, and angry... also they are telling me the only one I am fooling is myself... and how quickly people turn on you when you fall down on the job so to speak. Anyway I am trying to deal with this stuff... I can pat myself on the back, and tell myself I am great later, when I have dealt with this mess. Right now... well that's been lacking credibility. It just leads to more inner accusations. I can't just say good things only about myself, while my subconscious argues the point. That's how the ego and shadow get started in the first place. I have been repressing not analizing, and so these distorted views are just becoming monsters... boggie men that I can't stand to look at. It was a huge step for me to admit that for exaple; I am the one who houses the crocodiles in my mind. I am the crocodile and therefore I am the onlyone who can tame the crocodile. I am running from myself. I am afraid of myself, and I these monster thoughts, are only POVs within my own mind which I repressed till they got huge. I am the lying boggie man who lies to myself, saying I am great, or I am awful. I am whatever I choose to be moment by moment, but I have certain tendencies and not all of them are good. I have the power to change these things, but not as long as I deny them and ignore them. I am the one who has to face my fears. Why? Because I am the one who let them grow in my subconscious, ignoring them, and wishing them away, instead of facing their message. I am either going to e-mail you my cards, or post them here, but either way. You can see them, and maybe understand what I mean better. I know I am rambling... LOL www.kaleidosoul.com/shadow-work.htmlHere's a good site on the subject, and this article seems to explain what I experienced pretty well.
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Post by Del on Jul 18, 2010 21:05:43 GMT -5
I love your process Kim! That's the point of the cards, to give them voice. Yes, they are a part of you but by making cards for them you're giving them their own tangible form so that you dont have to 'hold' all of their energy inside of you & give you power of choice. When I say not to be negative or not identify them as negative or bad I mean not to hate those parts of yourself b/c then you're hating yourself. "Well that's an unattractive part of me; i acknowledge it but it's not who i am in entirety and I can choose how to be"; that's a goal to work towards. These cards are meant to bring awareness & assist you in the process of becoming who you want to be. And yes, I've heard of that site...am acquainted with it.
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Post by Kata Samoes on Jul 18, 2010 23:03:29 GMT -5
I know you've been calling to me, Kim, and I've been listening. Right now, my hand is guided away from you, but I'm still here. Listening, watching.
I haven't left. Even during my little spiritual vacation.
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Post by Del on Jul 19, 2010 0:27:26 GMT -5
Thanks Del, it really is helping. Really glad you've taken to it! Now a more in-depth response: You can't simply run away with positive affirmations and NOT acknowledge its counterpart - the not so negative bits. In order to have a whole you must consider all its parts. And you're doing a good job at identifying who they are. Kim, everyone and anyone has potential to be the opposite. I'm acknowledging your effort. Because you've been ignoring them they've gotten stronger. That's the whole point of it all. One's external circumstance mirrors the internal circumstance. You can say good things and the things that are not so attractive. I tend to stay away from good or bad, but rather ask if this certain characteristic is necessary in this moment? Our defense mechanisms are just that: defenses. We need them They're part of our survival instinct as humans. The skill is in balancing how long we dwell in either part. We can't spend too much time in our defense characteristics nor can we ignore our essence/essential characteristics. I am aware of my defense mechanisms, and I use them from time to time because it protects me. But I don't linger in them. As with all things, too much of anything is a bad thing; everything in moderation including moderation. To ignore either is what causes the shadow issue. So in SoulCollage you're not just trying to say 'nice' things about yourself, you're giving light to all parts. There's room for everyone at the table. Well you have too! I thought I've gotten the hang of not worrying, but that part of me that goes into despair always comes up, so I gave it a card. There's a part of me that swims in jealousy, the one that wants so much attention...they'll get a card too. I just need more images, but I acknowledge them and accept them for being parts of myself. I just choose not to have them as who I identify myself to be as a whole. They are only parts of the whole. And you're doing great! See!!! You're really doing great! Give them cards. And sometimes, they even help to show you in which direction you're going, if you ever get to the point of doing card readings with them. So they're not 'all bad' just maybe unattractive. But they're helpful. You don't want to BE that way, but you're capable of it. And if in a moment or situation you end up being this or that card, you 'd get feedback from people or just from your situation to indicate where you are. This sounds good, but try not to let it get into the blame game. That's dangerous. Look again at the link you posted. For every 'negative' card you've created, there is surely a 'positive' side for it. So for the card that owns the words right above, there is an "I am the one who is supportive, bearing light in the times of great darkness. I am the one who provides the strength and determination to move forward..." I'd be honored to see them and I understand clearly what you're saying. Just know that you are truly at choice and it's important to be good o yourself during this process.
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