Post by KG on Jul 25, 2009 1:04:51 GMT -5
One thing I have learned is that there are many levels of thinking about something. First there is egoic thinking and it runs something like this.
The first layer I'd call the mask. The mask is the surface of what you pretend to think, or even believe you think. This is what you tell everyone else you think... and what you tell yourself. Really the mask doesn't have a prayer of fooling anyone except you, and maybe a few people who aren't paying attention. The mask has a lot of theories on everything, but the main thing all these theories are really about are the self. Our opinions at this level are really about defining our self. WE don't like this, and we do like that. We are smart, nice, friendly, cute, or whatever.
Just below that though is the shadow... which is the mirror image of the mask... but really the mask and shadow are both just sides of the same coin. Together they make up the ego. there is a voice that argues the opposite point. It never shuts up. It always has a counterpoint, and it is always collecting evidence to prove you wrong. It is always finding fault with every ideal... you say "I am smart" and it screams "no you are stupid, just like your first grade teacher said you were!" See it saves information and evidence that long.
Now there comes a time in the mystic's life when they realize that both mask and shadow are an illusion, and after that these illusions dissapear. This is called ego death. Sometimes they stay gone, but eventually they might rebuild... but we still always know they are an illusion. Why then do we allow them to rebuild? Because people want answers. Eastern mystics may be comfortable thinking they are no different than everyman, and Christian Monks might be able to live as a reflection of Christ, but here in the real world we have to have an answer about who we are, and not some clap trap mumbo jumbo about universal consciousness. OF course the universal consciousness clap trap is true... but no one wants to hear that shit. LOL Plus thinking about that too long makes you feel crazy, so we move on, and build an illusion that looks like a mask... except we don't believe the lies anymore, neither the lies that make us look good nor the lies that make us look bad, because they are all equally true and equally false.
Below the mask and the shadow, you have the true persona, now sometimes these get mixed up with the rest of the ego, and we throw the baby out with the bath water in ego death, plus persona's can get warped and cracked and just fall apart, and that leads to a nervous breakdown... which often accompanies ego death in the western mind. Now the healthy persona thinks too. It is the root of the sense of humor, the spark that makes us look alive to fellow human beings. It is a source of creativity, and it is deeper than the ego, but it still isn't the main part of us. Despite that I'd say most ordinary people hold their awareness in their persona.
In the life of a mystic the time just prior to ego death is called dark night of the soul. Eastern tradition prepared the initiate for the process, and therefore though ego death is always painful, it does provide for an easier transition. For the western mind though ego death is very rough, difficult and frequently accompanied by nervous breakdown, colapse of the persona, and an inconcievable upheaval that some people never quite recover from. It is usually brought on not by specific spiritual practice, but by extreme physical, mental or emotional stress, which becomes unbearable. The question then is how developed are the layers beneith the surface. Once ego and Persona colapse what is left? That is the real question, and that is why so many people come out of a nervous breakdown more or less mentally handicapped, while others find new direction and great wisdom.
What is left is determined by what you developed and got in touch with prior to your colapse. Spiritually aware people fair much better than the hoplessly material after a breakdown. But the question is... what remains?
Directly under these top layers of mask, shadow, and persona, is the observer. Eastern philosophy recognizes the Observer, as the next in line and the true self. It is the part that should run the life. The observer can detach and watch what is going on with us, and with the world and others without trying to control. This type of detachment is greatly prized, by eastern religious folks. In the average western mind though, this thing is almost utterly unconscious. The observer is dispassionate, and frighteningly objective. It is not impressed with the ego. It knows this stuff is imaginary, but because we are so obsorbed in trying to defend and define ourselves, we rarely get in touch with our inner observer... mostly because we have lost our ability to be objective. We fear the objectivity of the observer.
The thoughts of the observer are completely different than the egoic thoughts which constantly praise and condemn us. The observer doesn't pass judgment on us it mearly observes, and while it may have opinions they are not accompanied by freaked out emotions that roller coaster between the accusations of the shadow, and the pride of the mask.
The rising of the observer out of the unconscious to become the true person is called awakening. Awakening has many different contexts to different people and cultures, but eastern thought defines it as becoming aware as an observer, once you have dispelled the ego.
Ego death with persona colapse are just a small part of what happened to me during the last 13 years. I am not sure what brought about my colapse but I had just gone through a very difficult child birth, and maybe I died on the table and just never knew it. IDK. All I know is that I did not wake up in the observer, I didnt' wake up at all for a couple of years.
I know I had an observer. I remember it from childhood, and from various times in my life and I was in touch with it previously, but it too was wiped out by whatever happened.
I lost contact with everything that was able to hold consciousness within my mind, and I became a very simple being, at least for a while. I remember very little for the first two or three years of this. I was not aware except for random short periods of time, where I just wondered where I was going, and what I was doing. I was amazed when I did wake up that even though I did not remember it, I had been functioning and doing what I would normally do. I didn't understand it, but honestly my mind was in no shape to deeply question it either.
I was broken and my ordinary thoughts became about survival, and doing rudimentary tasks took a huge amount of motivation, and considerable effort... but also there were deep thoughts, and visions and all kinds of strange ideas... after I regained consciousness... and I wasn't even all that conscious still. I was still having occasional black outs, and not remembering what happened. I felt distant and as if this earthly life were not the real one. Still I struggled to fulfill my basic responsibilities as a human being. Taking care of my kids, my husband and my parents, started to feel like mountain climbing or a cross country hike as far as degree of difficulty. I was exhausted, and confused.
Everything that normally ran this life was gone... and even at the core of my being, my very spirit and soul had been knocked out. I don't fully understand the mechanism that caused that, but as I gradually regained consciousness from the deepest levels out, I became kind of reverse aware. What is normally easy to access, as far as consciousness, was gone, and what is normally hard to find... universal consciousness was in my face. There was whiteness and nothing, and somewhere there was God... near... I felt connected to people, randomly... strangers even, on a level that they didn't even know themselves on...
There was extreme clarity of vision, while disjointed random bits of the mundane made no sense at all. The philosophical question, WHY are we here? became a relatively easy one, which i had more than a clue of at least, but why was I in the grocery store was an impossible quandry which I had to ask my 8 year old daughter about, cause I didn't remember driving there, nor did I know what we were out of. LOL It didn't matter though, because soon I would loose this awareness, and something else would takeover... my auto pilot, my co pilot, but I didnt' know that at the time.
When I finally became aware of this life on some level again, I started to feel really alone, because no one else thought like I did anymore. People I knew chattered forever about things that didn't matter to me, though I guess they should have mattered, but I couldn't even think that way... none of their concerns made sense to me, and they were all dreadfully boring. I needed spiritual people to talk to. I wanted answers as to what happened to me. After looking unsuccessfully for a Christian on line forum that didn't fight constantly, about trivial theology, I found and eastern religion site. They told me about ego death, and I figured out that was what was happening to me. With their help I figured out that all I really needed to do was accept it. It was amazing how clear my mind was on spiritual things, and now foggy it was on the mundane.
I was on illusion of enlightenment for years, speaking to wise old men who understood the principles of spirituality, which apply to all spiritual practioners all over the world. The main thing I kept noticing was the difference between religion and spirituality. The core truth is the same, the core practice is the same for all religions, once you shut off your worldly intelect, and carnal nature, and just experience it.
It was so easy to grasp the principles they taught me, and so hard to apply basic skills in my life. When I finally woke up, I did find my inner observer, but to put it bluntly my observer, seemed kind of debilitated. I managed to get it working better. The mask had fallen, but I did find elements of my shadow still accusing me... I had no positive self opinion at all, and I was being attacked, even though I was not aware of it till I woke up my observer. Before that no one was even there to listen to my shadow.
Then suddenly everything became very hectic in my life and I had to give up illusion. My family felt neglected and I had to function, so I forced myself to live in the mundane for a while. I was miserable, and I could not relate to anything. I felt utterly lost, but I tried to focus.
Soon though, I begun writing a novel compulsively. I could not stop. I wrote every night, and also during the day. Often I channeled the writing and was totallly unaware of what I was writing until the next day. While I was writing it became clear that I was multiple, and at the end of the story Gary revealed himself. I also started to find out what all this had looked like from his POV.
I knew already that my ego, and outer persona were dead, but I also knew that I had developed enough of something else to survive. That something else was my spiritual nature. At first things had been very unclear and I couldn't focus on anything except trying to get back into my body... I had been elsewhere, but I didn't know where exactly. Gary told me that on the highest level he understood, I had been passed out on the floor of our castle, and that he'd had to get help watching me to keep me from wandering off into the fog... while he ran the body. My struggle to survive had been on a much deeper level than he could reach, and everything on this side of that deep level had been utterly wiped out. My spirit though... the level he was on he had managed to keep alive but just barely.
I became Mercy, or rather after two thousand years of being Mercy I knew in this life who I reallly was. I started to slowly remember why I was doing the things I did in the body of Mercy, and most of the time my physical mind sat idle and just observed her... I was directed in everything I did by someone, the Mothers, the angels, Gary, and even Jesus, told me what to do, and I just obeyed. That was easy enough, and then there was an inner direction which was I guess Mercy herself. I mearly observed with my conscious thought which was newly awakened, and very curious now. Eastern philosophy had taught me a lot about observing, and logicallly when you don't know what is going on, observation is often the best strategy. I learned fast, and eventually I was up to speed and living as Mercy in the astral for a long time I ran my body by remote, having Mercy's awareness, and very little of my own... or rather my conscious mind merged with her, instead of keeping a seperate awareness here. During this period I had very little feeling in my own body. I wasn't fully down in it.
It was during this time that I joined HT and then the next year WE all started Spirit Sense. One thing I'd kind of like to appologize for is the way I right makes it sound like I understand all this... and the fact is I don't. Not really. I don't know if anyone really understands...
I do know that some people would have prefered to stay in the universal consciousness and tried for Nervana, but honestly I am not an old soul, and formless places like Nirvana or big heaven, scare the daylights out of me. I've seen glempses, but formless thought... or being beyond thought as I was for a while, is just disturbing when you aren't ready for it, and I am not. I very much prefer the level I operate on.
Our level is between the formless thought of Nirvana, and the thoughtless form which is the most mundane aspect of the material world. LOL Some people call it astral, but I prefer to think of it as spiritual... for me it is spiritual, but there is form here, and concept as well. I am just riding here in the middle ground, which really has a lot of layers, and ways of being concieved of. It is very diverse. Very flexible, and yet it has an order and a form. IDK since I do not have a map, but I think I am mostly aware of the bottom realms of the spiritual, and the upper realms of the astral.
Here on planet earth though, I am regressing a bit. I am not so aware of my body at times, and I forget a lot of mundane stuff I am supposed to remember. I tend to be spacy, and I am exhausted all the time. I don't get enough exercise. I feel like crap, and I have very little sense of the physical. I am not very observant here, and I forget what I am supposed to be doing on a regular basis. I do good to remember my name, where I live, and to find my way to all the places I have errands. LOL
My health has been a problem on and off, but overall nothing going on with me physically explains why I totally blacked out for two years, or why I stay so exhausted. I am very thankful that Gary held down the fort for me so to speak, and didn't land me in the hospital, or a mental hospital, because by myself I would not have been functional at all. I find it hard to connect with material objects... but I am very connected to other people.
Most of my eastern philosophy buddies would be horrified that I am caught up in a world of beings, and I feel so connected and attached to other human beings,while the more pure perception is to be completely ruled by the objective observer, and to seek nirvana, which is either God... or nothingness, just depending on what you find, once you get to that level. I remember one of my eastern religion friends, told me that God is either everything or nothing at all... and at the end he told me he was leaning towards nothing at all. I did not agree with him, and during that period, I had felt very aware of God. He had been more real to me than anything else. Now though, well I am attached to others, and I experience a vast array of beings. This is not what they would call enlightened at all.
My old Christian friends likewise would be disturbed. I am not totally God centered, and I believe in a lot of things that are not in the bible. I have experienced a lot of things that are not in the bible. Actually though, between eastern religion, obscure Catholic ledgends, and the Gnostic texts, I have found at least some reference to most of what I have experienced. A more objective understanding of the bible, which totally disregards current interpretation and theological explainations, agrees completely with my experiences. I had to completely detach from doctrines I had been taught since my teen years to understand the bible in this new light. My Christian buddies would never understand or agree with what I have found... so again I don't fit...
I don't really fit anywhere except here. ;D
The first layer I'd call the mask. The mask is the surface of what you pretend to think, or even believe you think. This is what you tell everyone else you think... and what you tell yourself. Really the mask doesn't have a prayer of fooling anyone except you, and maybe a few people who aren't paying attention. The mask has a lot of theories on everything, but the main thing all these theories are really about are the self. Our opinions at this level are really about defining our self. WE don't like this, and we do like that. We are smart, nice, friendly, cute, or whatever.
Just below that though is the shadow... which is the mirror image of the mask... but really the mask and shadow are both just sides of the same coin. Together they make up the ego. there is a voice that argues the opposite point. It never shuts up. It always has a counterpoint, and it is always collecting evidence to prove you wrong. It is always finding fault with every ideal... you say "I am smart" and it screams "no you are stupid, just like your first grade teacher said you were!" See it saves information and evidence that long.
Now there comes a time in the mystic's life when they realize that both mask and shadow are an illusion, and after that these illusions dissapear. This is called ego death. Sometimes they stay gone, but eventually they might rebuild... but we still always know they are an illusion. Why then do we allow them to rebuild? Because people want answers. Eastern mystics may be comfortable thinking they are no different than everyman, and Christian Monks might be able to live as a reflection of Christ, but here in the real world we have to have an answer about who we are, and not some clap trap mumbo jumbo about universal consciousness. OF course the universal consciousness clap trap is true... but no one wants to hear that shit. LOL Plus thinking about that too long makes you feel crazy, so we move on, and build an illusion that looks like a mask... except we don't believe the lies anymore, neither the lies that make us look good nor the lies that make us look bad, because they are all equally true and equally false.
Below the mask and the shadow, you have the true persona, now sometimes these get mixed up with the rest of the ego, and we throw the baby out with the bath water in ego death, plus persona's can get warped and cracked and just fall apart, and that leads to a nervous breakdown... which often accompanies ego death in the western mind. Now the healthy persona thinks too. It is the root of the sense of humor, the spark that makes us look alive to fellow human beings. It is a source of creativity, and it is deeper than the ego, but it still isn't the main part of us. Despite that I'd say most ordinary people hold their awareness in their persona.
In the life of a mystic the time just prior to ego death is called dark night of the soul. Eastern tradition prepared the initiate for the process, and therefore though ego death is always painful, it does provide for an easier transition. For the western mind though ego death is very rough, difficult and frequently accompanied by nervous breakdown, colapse of the persona, and an inconcievable upheaval that some people never quite recover from. It is usually brought on not by specific spiritual practice, but by extreme physical, mental or emotional stress, which becomes unbearable. The question then is how developed are the layers beneith the surface. Once ego and Persona colapse what is left? That is the real question, and that is why so many people come out of a nervous breakdown more or less mentally handicapped, while others find new direction and great wisdom.
What is left is determined by what you developed and got in touch with prior to your colapse. Spiritually aware people fair much better than the hoplessly material after a breakdown. But the question is... what remains?
Directly under these top layers of mask, shadow, and persona, is the observer. Eastern philosophy recognizes the Observer, as the next in line and the true self. It is the part that should run the life. The observer can detach and watch what is going on with us, and with the world and others without trying to control. This type of detachment is greatly prized, by eastern religious folks. In the average western mind though, this thing is almost utterly unconscious. The observer is dispassionate, and frighteningly objective. It is not impressed with the ego. It knows this stuff is imaginary, but because we are so obsorbed in trying to defend and define ourselves, we rarely get in touch with our inner observer... mostly because we have lost our ability to be objective. We fear the objectivity of the observer.
The thoughts of the observer are completely different than the egoic thoughts which constantly praise and condemn us. The observer doesn't pass judgment on us it mearly observes, and while it may have opinions they are not accompanied by freaked out emotions that roller coaster between the accusations of the shadow, and the pride of the mask.
The rising of the observer out of the unconscious to become the true person is called awakening. Awakening has many different contexts to different people and cultures, but eastern thought defines it as becoming aware as an observer, once you have dispelled the ego.
Ego death with persona colapse are just a small part of what happened to me during the last 13 years. I am not sure what brought about my colapse but I had just gone through a very difficult child birth, and maybe I died on the table and just never knew it. IDK. All I know is that I did not wake up in the observer, I didnt' wake up at all for a couple of years.
I know I had an observer. I remember it from childhood, and from various times in my life and I was in touch with it previously, but it too was wiped out by whatever happened.
I lost contact with everything that was able to hold consciousness within my mind, and I became a very simple being, at least for a while. I remember very little for the first two or three years of this. I was not aware except for random short periods of time, where I just wondered where I was going, and what I was doing. I was amazed when I did wake up that even though I did not remember it, I had been functioning and doing what I would normally do. I didn't understand it, but honestly my mind was in no shape to deeply question it either.
I was broken and my ordinary thoughts became about survival, and doing rudimentary tasks took a huge amount of motivation, and considerable effort... but also there were deep thoughts, and visions and all kinds of strange ideas... after I regained consciousness... and I wasn't even all that conscious still. I was still having occasional black outs, and not remembering what happened. I felt distant and as if this earthly life were not the real one. Still I struggled to fulfill my basic responsibilities as a human being. Taking care of my kids, my husband and my parents, started to feel like mountain climbing or a cross country hike as far as degree of difficulty. I was exhausted, and confused.
Everything that normally ran this life was gone... and even at the core of my being, my very spirit and soul had been knocked out. I don't fully understand the mechanism that caused that, but as I gradually regained consciousness from the deepest levels out, I became kind of reverse aware. What is normally easy to access, as far as consciousness, was gone, and what is normally hard to find... universal consciousness was in my face. There was whiteness and nothing, and somewhere there was God... near... I felt connected to people, randomly... strangers even, on a level that they didn't even know themselves on...
There was extreme clarity of vision, while disjointed random bits of the mundane made no sense at all. The philosophical question, WHY are we here? became a relatively easy one, which i had more than a clue of at least, but why was I in the grocery store was an impossible quandry which I had to ask my 8 year old daughter about, cause I didn't remember driving there, nor did I know what we were out of. LOL It didn't matter though, because soon I would loose this awareness, and something else would takeover... my auto pilot, my co pilot, but I didnt' know that at the time.
When I finally became aware of this life on some level again, I started to feel really alone, because no one else thought like I did anymore. People I knew chattered forever about things that didn't matter to me, though I guess they should have mattered, but I couldn't even think that way... none of their concerns made sense to me, and they were all dreadfully boring. I needed spiritual people to talk to. I wanted answers as to what happened to me. After looking unsuccessfully for a Christian on line forum that didn't fight constantly, about trivial theology, I found and eastern religion site. They told me about ego death, and I figured out that was what was happening to me. With their help I figured out that all I really needed to do was accept it. It was amazing how clear my mind was on spiritual things, and now foggy it was on the mundane.
I was on illusion of enlightenment for years, speaking to wise old men who understood the principles of spirituality, which apply to all spiritual practioners all over the world. The main thing I kept noticing was the difference between religion and spirituality. The core truth is the same, the core practice is the same for all religions, once you shut off your worldly intelect, and carnal nature, and just experience it.
It was so easy to grasp the principles they taught me, and so hard to apply basic skills in my life. When I finally woke up, I did find my inner observer, but to put it bluntly my observer, seemed kind of debilitated. I managed to get it working better. The mask had fallen, but I did find elements of my shadow still accusing me... I had no positive self opinion at all, and I was being attacked, even though I was not aware of it till I woke up my observer. Before that no one was even there to listen to my shadow.
Then suddenly everything became very hectic in my life and I had to give up illusion. My family felt neglected and I had to function, so I forced myself to live in the mundane for a while. I was miserable, and I could not relate to anything. I felt utterly lost, but I tried to focus.
Soon though, I begun writing a novel compulsively. I could not stop. I wrote every night, and also during the day. Often I channeled the writing and was totallly unaware of what I was writing until the next day. While I was writing it became clear that I was multiple, and at the end of the story Gary revealed himself. I also started to find out what all this had looked like from his POV.
I knew already that my ego, and outer persona were dead, but I also knew that I had developed enough of something else to survive. That something else was my spiritual nature. At first things had been very unclear and I couldn't focus on anything except trying to get back into my body... I had been elsewhere, but I didn't know where exactly. Gary told me that on the highest level he understood, I had been passed out on the floor of our castle, and that he'd had to get help watching me to keep me from wandering off into the fog... while he ran the body. My struggle to survive had been on a much deeper level than he could reach, and everything on this side of that deep level had been utterly wiped out. My spirit though... the level he was on he had managed to keep alive but just barely.
I became Mercy, or rather after two thousand years of being Mercy I knew in this life who I reallly was. I started to slowly remember why I was doing the things I did in the body of Mercy, and most of the time my physical mind sat idle and just observed her... I was directed in everything I did by someone, the Mothers, the angels, Gary, and even Jesus, told me what to do, and I just obeyed. That was easy enough, and then there was an inner direction which was I guess Mercy herself. I mearly observed with my conscious thought which was newly awakened, and very curious now. Eastern philosophy had taught me a lot about observing, and logicallly when you don't know what is going on, observation is often the best strategy. I learned fast, and eventually I was up to speed and living as Mercy in the astral for a long time I ran my body by remote, having Mercy's awareness, and very little of my own... or rather my conscious mind merged with her, instead of keeping a seperate awareness here. During this period I had very little feeling in my own body. I wasn't fully down in it.
It was during this time that I joined HT and then the next year WE all started Spirit Sense. One thing I'd kind of like to appologize for is the way I right makes it sound like I understand all this... and the fact is I don't. Not really. I don't know if anyone really understands...
I do know that some people would have prefered to stay in the universal consciousness and tried for Nervana, but honestly I am not an old soul, and formless places like Nirvana or big heaven, scare the daylights out of me. I've seen glempses, but formless thought... or being beyond thought as I was for a while, is just disturbing when you aren't ready for it, and I am not. I very much prefer the level I operate on.
Our level is between the formless thought of Nirvana, and the thoughtless form which is the most mundane aspect of the material world. LOL Some people call it astral, but I prefer to think of it as spiritual... for me it is spiritual, but there is form here, and concept as well. I am just riding here in the middle ground, which really has a lot of layers, and ways of being concieved of. It is very diverse. Very flexible, and yet it has an order and a form. IDK since I do not have a map, but I think I am mostly aware of the bottom realms of the spiritual, and the upper realms of the astral.
Here on planet earth though, I am regressing a bit. I am not so aware of my body at times, and I forget a lot of mundane stuff I am supposed to remember. I tend to be spacy, and I am exhausted all the time. I don't get enough exercise. I feel like crap, and I have very little sense of the physical. I am not very observant here, and I forget what I am supposed to be doing on a regular basis. I do good to remember my name, where I live, and to find my way to all the places I have errands. LOL
My health has been a problem on and off, but overall nothing going on with me physically explains why I totally blacked out for two years, or why I stay so exhausted. I am very thankful that Gary held down the fort for me so to speak, and didn't land me in the hospital, or a mental hospital, because by myself I would not have been functional at all. I find it hard to connect with material objects... but I am very connected to other people.
Most of my eastern philosophy buddies would be horrified that I am caught up in a world of beings, and I feel so connected and attached to other human beings,while the more pure perception is to be completely ruled by the objective observer, and to seek nirvana, which is either God... or nothingness, just depending on what you find, once you get to that level. I remember one of my eastern religion friends, told me that God is either everything or nothing at all... and at the end he told me he was leaning towards nothing at all. I did not agree with him, and during that period, I had felt very aware of God. He had been more real to me than anything else. Now though, well I am attached to others, and I experience a vast array of beings. This is not what they would call enlightened at all.
My old Christian friends likewise would be disturbed. I am not totally God centered, and I believe in a lot of things that are not in the bible. I have experienced a lot of things that are not in the bible. Actually though, between eastern religion, obscure Catholic ledgends, and the Gnostic texts, I have found at least some reference to most of what I have experienced. A more objective understanding of the bible, which totally disregards current interpretation and theological explainations, agrees completely with my experiences. I had to completely detach from doctrines I had been taught since my teen years to understand the bible in this new light. My Christian buddies would never understand or agree with what I have found... so again I don't fit...
I don't really fit anywhere except here. ;D