Post by KG on Dec 5, 2007 1:39:51 GMT -5
It is old, it is cheezy but this song ran through my mind the other day, and this verse is how I am feeling....
Everybody's talking at me.
I don't hear a word they're saying,
Only the echoes of my mind.
People stopping staring,
I can't see their faces,
Only the shadows of their eyes.
The difference is that unlike the infered meaning I am trying to hear them... but it does feel like they are talking at me, not to me. On line I feel in touch with people, but in life... well it seems they don't listen as well, or speak as considerately. Everyone here is so self absorbed, and so busy... and I am busy too, it is just that I feel shut off, even in a house full of people. I feel like a vistor... or a stranger...
I know they love me it isnt' that. I just feel like they are avoiding me... they aren't really. It just feels that way.
I can't focus on anything... I am so between worlds that I am unaware on all of them... I see flashes of stuff that doesn't make sense, and then I will be aware in three places at once... yet I can't see any of it clearly. I am completely tripping... having flashbacks of my father's last moments which come completely unbidden when I close my eyes... sometimes if I just blink. I can't stand that memory... I'd rather remember him alive and well. I hate this... Then there is just this feeling that I want to run from... it isn't a thought just a feeling. It makes me cry, and I hate to cry... I've avoided it till now... just focusing on everyone else... denying that flash of memory and keeping it at bay... now it is just there.
I managed to keep that feeling at bay pretty well, till today. I have been very busy and I have plenty to do. I don't know... I can't let myself fall apart. I think I can hold together now... a little cry and then it is OK again.
I miss being a little kid, and the way things were then. I miss the days when Gary was alive, and my Cousins had time to come and play with me. I look at my Daughter and I see myself... Devine looks just like me... the way I looked when I was 18... people mistake her for me all the time. Then they ask her how she stays so young looking... thinking she is me. LOL She looks more like me, than i do. It is funny on the rare occasions I argue with her, I feel like I am arguing with myself... just looking at her... it is a weird feeling. She doesn't see herself as like me, mostly because i am an eroded being... older, and having lost most of my will to exist... much less try... and I never had the strong will that she has... that determination... she gets that from her father.
I look at her and I see how driven she is... and I know why I never had much material success in this life... and why I never had the determination to finish things... and follow through to the degree I needed to. I am very proud of her, and she is smart and making her 4.0... but I couldn't do what she' s doing. I don't have the ability to shut it all off. I can't focus that much for that long... and I tend to 'waste' time talking to people... I love to talk... and I want to communciate... When I was younger other people wanted to talk to me, so I just stopped and talked. I spent time listening and I learned a lot, but overall maybe I should have pushed people away and spent more time pushing to succeed, instead of getting all wrapped up in family problems and being supportive of my dozens of friends. I feel like it wouldn't have mattered though... I mean I don't know that I could have functioned to that degree anyway. I am an empath, and empaths feel the people around them deeply. I for one can't stand to shield past a bare minimum against the feelings of others. It feels like I am suffocating when I do... I sense so much coldness now... people not wanting to feel, and I don't want to feel either, but I can't help it.
Right now I am feeling myself for the first time in months. I have been so busy empathing others, and understanding their pain, and helping them cope. Now it is late, and I am alone... I don't want to be alone... but I really don't want to go to bed either... I can't very well wake people up that have to get up in the morning either. I just feel myself and I hate that emotion... I am unsure of myself... and I fear that I am not in anyway capable of much of anything anymore... besides talking to people, and stuff on the astral...
I think I would like to visit my heaven... perhaps try to get in touch with that for a while. I can't stand being here... not now.
Everybody's talking at me.
I don't hear a word they're saying,
Only the echoes of my mind.
People stopping staring,
I can't see their faces,
Only the shadows of their eyes.
The difference is that unlike the infered meaning I am trying to hear them... but it does feel like they are talking at me, not to me. On line I feel in touch with people, but in life... well it seems they don't listen as well, or speak as considerately. Everyone here is so self absorbed, and so busy... and I am busy too, it is just that I feel shut off, even in a house full of people. I feel like a vistor... or a stranger...
I know they love me it isnt' that. I just feel like they are avoiding me... they aren't really. It just feels that way.
I can't focus on anything... I am so between worlds that I am unaware on all of them... I see flashes of stuff that doesn't make sense, and then I will be aware in three places at once... yet I can't see any of it clearly. I am completely tripping... having flashbacks of my father's last moments which come completely unbidden when I close my eyes... sometimes if I just blink. I can't stand that memory... I'd rather remember him alive and well. I hate this... Then there is just this feeling that I want to run from... it isn't a thought just a feeling. It makes me cry, and I hate to cry... I've avoided it till now... just focusing on everyone else... denying that flash of memory and keeping it at bay... now it is just there.
I managed to keep that feeling at bay pretty well, till today. I have been very busy and I have plenty to do. I don't know... I can't let myself fall apart. I think I can hold together now... a little cry and then it is OK again.
I miss being a little kid, and the way things were then. I miss the days when Gary was alive, and my Cousins had time to come and play with me. I look at my Daughter and I see myself... Devine looks just like me... the way I looked when I was 18... people mistake her for me all the time. Then they ask her how she stays so young looking... thinking she is me. LOL She looks more like me, than i do. It is funny on the rare occasions I argue with her, I feel like I am arguing with myself... just looking at her... it is a weird feeling. She doesn't see herself as like me, mostly because i am an eroded being... older, and having lost most of my will to exist... much less try... and I never had the strong will that she has... that determination... she gets that from her father.
I look at her and I see how driven she is... and I know why I never had much material success in this life... and why I never had the determination to finish things... and follow through to the degree I needed to. I am very proud of her, and she is smart and making her 4.0... but I couldn't do what she' s doing. I don't have the ability to shut it all off. I can't focus that much for that long... and I tend to 'waste' time talking to people... I love to talk... and I want to communciate... When I was younger other people wanted to talk to me, so I just stopped and talked. I spent time listening and I learned a lot, but overall maybe I should have pushed people away and spent more time pushing to succeed, instead of getting all wrapped up in family problems and being supportive of my dozens of friends. I feel like it wouldn't have mattered though... I mean I don't know that I could have functioned to that degree anyway. I am an empath, and empaths feel the people around them deeply. I for one can't stand to shield past a bare minimum against the feelings of others. It feels like I am suffocating when I do... I sense so much coldness now... people not wanting to feel, and I don't want to feel either, but I can't help it.
Right now I am feeling myself for the first time in months. I have been so busy empathing others, and understanding their pain, and helping them cope. Now it is late, and I am alone... I don't want to be alone... but I really don't want to go to bed either... I can't very well wake people up that have to get up in the morning either. I just feel myself and I hate that emotion... I am unsure of myself... and I fear that I am not in anyway capable of much of anything anymore... besides talking to people, and stuff on the astral...
I think I would like to visit my heaven... perhaps try to get in touch with that for a while. I can't stand being here... not now.